Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Boyfriend broke up with me - Won't talk to me(34 Posts)
He ran off from me over a misunderstanding but that was just the straw that broke the camels back I guess. He's now moved all his stuff out and is away in another city planning to move there and won't speak to me. He just said that he doesn't believe things will change, he's tired of being hurt and doesn't trust me.
My issue is partly that I can't forgive myself for the way I treated him and making the person I love feel like that and get to the point where he had to leave me. I just feel like a horrible person and can't believe I did those things and acted like that. I need some perspective on what I did please. And also on the relationship. Not really advice about what to do as I know all that already as I don't even have a choice but to move on.
I tried to control him to go along with my OCD rituals. Constantly criticising him, asking him to do things like washing his hands and mentioning things to do with my contamination OCD. It's like I can't believe that was me. But it was. And I take responsibility. I don't really care about things and don't want to act that or let it affect him like I did. I have obsessive thoughts about past mistakes too so I'm really beating myself up about it all.
At the beginning of our relationship I let him become an element in trauma for me as I put up with his alcoholism and him living in this horrible house share where anyone could move in (it was like a step up from living on the streets). I actually ended up moving in there because I had low self esteem when I met him and deluded myself into thinking whatever he thought was ok was ok when it really wasn't. I just wanted to be with him and to go along with whatever he wanted. Obviously that's not his fault at all it was mine for being like that. So after something happened at this horrible accommodation which bothered both of us but that I was actually traumatised by I then realised it was all wrong and needed to move out. He wanted to move out too but also had low esteem which manifested in a different way. I think he was scared of living in a nice place because he thought the nice normal people wouldn't accept him or something. So he wouldn't bother looking for places to move out and I had to do all the work looking for individual places just for me and places for both of us and kept nagging him and convincing him to help me look for both of us and help him self by looking just for himself too. He'd also miss some viewings because of his drinking. All this caused me to have the extreme OCD related to being trapped in that place with scary people etc.and it wasn't his fault at all that we were in that situation because I chose to move in there when he kindly offered but at that point where we both realised how horrible it was and I was being traumatised he kept making it go on for longer and making it worse by being drunk a lot.
So that is why I have still tried to control him related to my OCD because although I have tried to forgive and forget I guess my OCD subconsciously could not forget. It's not an excuse just a reason. There are no excuses for what I've done in my mind. I just feel so bad about it. He's since changed and not drinking for a year yet I still let my OCD fears about the past effect him by trying to control him which is so horrible and unfair. I don't care about those OCD things really I just wanted to move on and be nice to him and happy. I know for sure I could be. We also have natural communication issues between us would be there anyway. He bottles things up then gets really angry and says horrible things calls me names etc. But I'm willing to deal with that and be the bigger person in those situations and just let it go rather than engaging in defending myself against his false accusations etc. I know I can do it. He's worth it.
Also I'm so ashamed but one time I threw a champagne bottle on the floor between us over something stupid OCD thing I was going internally crazy over and he was ignoring me. I can't believe I did that and there is no excuse I feel terrible. He must have scared. I mean I was scared by it and I was the one who threw it. However, he doesn't believe me that I was aiming for the floor where it landed and thinks I tried to threw it at him but missed. I tried to explain that I know its still bad but that's not true but he won't hear it. Also, he thinks I do other things which I never do like he accuses me of lying etc. I think because of the bottle throwing incident he has it in his mind that I'm an abuser and that I do things which classic abusers do or something which he read about. Like isolating him from friends and family (we moved to another city so we could afford a place together), lying and 'trying to make it so he can't live without me'. None of those things are true whatsoever. So I know I've mistreated him and I feel like a bad person but on top of what's actually happened he thinks I'm worse than I am. He probably wouldn't want to get back with me anyway though so I guess it;s besides the point.
I feel like this horrible abuser and I just need some perspective on how bad it was and the situation because I know in the past my obsessive thoughts cloud my judgement. However I know it's bad so I really don't know. I'm really not looking for someone to tell it's ok etc. at all. I'm just looking for the truth of what my perspective really is and how bad it really was whatever that may be. So then I can know how to come to terms with that.
Imagine your friend came to you and said they'd done the things I've done to their partner behaved that way. What would your honest reaction be?
Now imagine someone you care about came to you and told you that their partner had treated them and behaved the way I have to my boyfriend. What would your honest reaction be?
I really need help knowing what everyone's perspective and preferably why so I can help know my own. Thanks.
It is sad because I know he still loves me and I know we could be happy together as I know what to do now. Basically just let every argument no matter how small or big I think it is because he's worth it to make him happy. And I'm also seeing a therapist now and I'm on anti anti anxiety meds.
You got into a relationship with an alcoholic, living in a near squat who gave you the silent treatment, called you names, got drunk and missed important events. After he stopped drinking he kept up with the name calling and silent treatment. You caved in on every argument to make him happy, except for rare occasions when you snapped.
No, I don't think you are an abuser. I think you are a person with co-dependency issues who didn't chuck the angry alcoholic right back at the start. I think he made your OCD worse.
I think you need to work with your therapist on why you didn't get rid of him long long ago. You should never have been in a serious relationship with someone so damaged.
Thank you for your response. I was and am damaged too. I helped him get over his alcoholism and move out of the horrible flat. But that was about a year and half ago. I should have gotten therapy straight away to deal with my trauma and trust issues after that so I could be nice to him and get over it.
But then when he changed and was just nice I treated him badly by how I've described. And also the communication issues and arguments are both of us, probably more me I don't know. If I didn't treat him badly and just dropped arguments then we wouldn't have argued anyway. He just wants a peaceful. conflict free life where he's not being criticised or questioned for things all the time like washing his hands.
He never called me names normally just when he blew up in an argument but I was bad in arguments too and got upset and didn't let things go. And he doesn't use the the silent treatment normally just when he decided to break up with me so it's not really the silent treatment. I actually did use the silent treatment on him once (not on purpose I was just annoyed wanted space even after he apologised) and I know it's bad now and really regret it and it hurt and he wanted to leave me.
I didn't cave in on hardly any arguments to make him happy but I know now that is what I'm willing to do be with him because he's worth it. He just wants to be nice and conflict free and not discuss everything. We both get heated. I need to learn to just let it go because all that stuff doesn't matter.
It's very very hard now, emotions are raw and you've every right to be upset, but from the sounds of it, i think you'll probably look back and realise it was a good thing that you went your separate ways. Take a few weeks to properly grieve the relationship, then get on the road to a new you: therapy, work on being kind to yourself, indulge yourself in things you like to do. As hard as it feels now, you can move on from this
This is going to sound hard.
If he is serious about it being over, the best thing he can do is go no contact.
It doesn't give you false hope or draw either of you into dissections.
You can grieve, learn from this then eventually start to heal and move on.
Staying in your life giving you false hope is the worse option.
I'm sure you have issues and I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist.
You know what though? You won't agree with this but from the outside, he just sounds like an arsehole.
Well rid. Concentrate on you now.
It was never a relationship that was going to work. You were both damaged before and the relationship made the damage worse.
Do not attempt to make contact with him. Do not try to determine how you could have made the relationship work: it was never going to work. Putting any emotional energy into flogging a dead horse will only delay you working on the things that really need attention.
Put your emotional energy into understanding why you didn't realise it was a bad relationship and end it yourself, much much earlier. That's the path that can lead to happiness and good relationships later.
Your wrong. Neither of you could ever be happy in this relationship.
Let him go and get some help.
But if two people really love each other? Then surely they can make it work.
Thanks for replies so far. I'm taking all this on board and considering it. As I say I have no choice but to move on anyway at this point as he won't speak to me and even if I see him I'm done trying to explain and convince him it could be different (even though i know it could).
Nope. Even if two people love each other they can't always make it work.
Your ex is an alcoholic. You are not here to enable him or please him. You should be thinking about what pleases you and suits you.
You are both damaged and will never work together. Block him, delete him, do not contact him, and concentrate on moving on with your life so you are happy.
Love is not enough. That's Disney shite. It is definitely not true.
He's not alcoholic anymore. Lately it;s been all me. That;s why I know if I change it could work.
And I love is not enough and it takes work but if both people could be healthy and are committed then they make it work.
Let it be over. It's for the best.
You are not good together.
Well, it is over anyway. So I have to accept it. I'm not going to try even if I see him.
That's not actually why I made this thread. It was to get perspective on my behaviour.
The whole relationship dynamic sounded unhealthy from the very start and it doesn't appear that your motivations during the relationship were about love. I don't know how acute your OCD is or was but it does appear that the whole relationship was an exercise in control. I believe you moved in with him to fix/ control him and once he was 'fixed' that need to control didn't just disappear.
Break ups suck but if you really didn't like the person you were or became during the relationship, do something about it, not for him but for you. The more you understand and love yourself, the healthier your role in your next relationship will be and more importantly, the better placed you'll be to spot unhealthy behaviour in others.
Hopefully, during the grieving process you'll realise that your relationship wasn't healthy and wasn't meant to be forever. You can not love someone or something better (whatever your definition of better is), that kind of talk is in itself controlling because a relationship is about more than one person.
Love someone better? I said you can become healthy and improve how you treat someone in a relationship to make it work. How is that controlling?
And of course I didn't move in with him to control or fix him? I moved in with him because I loved and was confused. I explained how it happened. I started to control when we both wanted to move out but he was burying his head in the sand and to stop him drinking. And yes I didn't stop after he changed. Out of fear. Which obviously I feel terrible about.
He IS still an alcoholic.
He may not have had a drink for a year but he will always be an alcoholic.
This was a toxic relationship from the start and you know it wasn't right.
You went through so much shit with him it's triggered your OCD.
That is not a good place to be for anyone.
Keep up your therapy.
He abused you and it might do you some good to contact Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme.
This will really help you with future relationships.
Help you set boundaries and spot red flags far sooner (there were a tonne flying about this this guy right from the start that you ignored!)
It will also help your self esteem.
I really hope this is truly over because you do not need people like him in your life.
He will just keep bringing you down and you need to be lifted up right now.
He's not capable of that. Not even sober!
Thank you for reply. Why do you think he abused me? In what ways did he? Why didn't you mention me abusing him?
Thanks. I need things spelling out to me because it's harder for me to get perspective because of my obsessive thoughts but listening to others perspective honestly does help and it helps me figure out my own somehow so it is helpful to hear everyone's honest perspectives and reasons.
If someone came to me with that, I would say three things to them.
The first thing I would say to them is that he doesn't want to be with you. That is his right and you must respect that. Not accepting a person's right or desire to end a relationship is another manifestation of the desire to control and the first step is to properly and fully accept that nobody has to be in a relationship that isn't making them happy and any reason is an acceptable reason to end a relationship.
The second thing I would say to them is that clearly he had his own demons and that isn't your fault or your responsibility but sometimes two people who both have their own complex difficulties are absolutely dreadful together and it can't work and both of them are worse for being together.
The third thing I would say to them is please get help because this is no way to live. If you don't, then this will simply happen again and again.
You mention OCD. If you are suffering with that then you will find it very hard to get off the treadmill of the thoughts about this. I think it is not just about getting an explanation. It's about the normal questions about 'why?' being filtered through OCD.
I think that you need to let the relationship go. It is hard, but it is over. Perhaps you can address it all with the therapist.
btw giving in on every argument is really, really, really not healthy for either of the people involved. You said you were willing to do this. Never, ever commit to that. It is the thing that stood out to me that things were desperately wrong somewhere. Good luck
Thanks for replies. As I say this thread is not about wanting the relationship back. Of course I accept that it's over. I don't think I even deserve to be with him but even I did I wouldn't try to get him and would respect his decision obviously.
I'm just trying to come to terms with my own behaviour. If I don't understand what happened and have perspective on my behaviour then I won't be able to know how to deal with it and everything moving forward.
He shouted and called your horrible names.
No-one who loves you would do that.
And most people wouldn't put up with that.
He stonewalled you many times.
I would imagine he threw in a good bit of gaslighting as well.
It might do you good to get the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
Have a read and I think you'll find your partner in there.
OCD must be horrible and horrible to live with but he should have been supporting you and helping you and he wasn't.
Not from what you write anyway.
Read the book, do the WA course and your eyes will opened to all sorts of things.
Sorry x post.
Sometimes you just have to accept that it was never meant to be, respect their choice and move on. OCD is going to make that extremely difficult. Wishing you luck.
When you say you want a perspective on your own behaviour, what do you mean? The fact that you have OCD, the fact that you acted controlling towards him in some ways, or the fact that you became emotionally hooked to a man who abuses you?
All of those are things that you can discuss with your therapist. I am not a therapist, but from my outside view:
- Your OCD is an illness and is not your fault, but is your responsibility to manage as well as you can. And you have professional help so you are doing this, well done.
- It is never ok to try to control another human being. But if you acknowledge that and work on that with your therapist, then again you are doing the right thing.
- People with low self-esteem get hooked in co-dependent relationships where there is addiction and/or abuse, and call this dependency "love". Happens all the time and is classic. Again, if you are willing to look at it objectively and work on it with a professional, then you are doing the right thing.
All the best.
I've shouted at him lots of times too. I hate it. I'm going to make sure I never behave like that again. The name calling may not be as bad as I make out. He just bottles things up like me controlling him with OCD things and then he says all this stuff in an argument when he loses it. Like expressing his feels but he does so whilst also saying things which aren't true and stuff. What I meant when I said I should let arguments go was partly not starting arguments myself by getting into debates over silly things but also when he gets like that to just comfort his concerns and feelings and not engage in responding to the other stuff.
However, although I know my behaviour was awful and I will never forget that, I am considering you may have a point with the stonewalling and gas lighting on his part. However, I may also be guilty of. Identifying gas lighting is really confusing. I don't know.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.