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My husband wants to separate

(82 Posts)
Attheendofmytether1 Wed 15-Jun-16 18:54:16

Hi this is my first post (and may be long)

I have been with my husband for 23 years and married 13. We have four DC ranging from 11 to 5.
When our last DC was born he confessed to having an affair and wanted to leave.
He left and I was devastated. I was 3 weeks post c section and my head was all over the place. I took an overdose and ended up in hospital. My parents live in Canada and my mum had to fly home. It took time but eventually I became stronger and made friends which I never have before and got a life.
He then decided to come home. I welcomed him with open arms. I was left with ptsd and have had a lot of counselling and meds for anxiety and depression.
Things have been good and bad and I've found it hard to trust and my self esteem is low. I feel that I'm not good enough.
We've had several blips and he has been caught texting a female twice (says there were rumours but nothing behind them).
The last straw was when the diamond fell out of my engagement ring. I jokingly said I thought this was a bad omen and was worried and he blew up said I was torturing him and he was leaving.
He stormed off and came back in the early hours he never goes out apart from to work .
We limped on till yesterday when he took time off work and was here when I came home and said he wanted a separation. stupidly I begged and pleaded with him to stay and he's refusing.
He also won't leave. He wants to stay here short term an sort out finances. He also does not want to tell our DC until he feels ready. Seeing him is killing me inside.
Please help (sorry for the saga)

Hillfarmer Wed 15-Jun-16 19:18:41

Is he leaving or staying? Don't let him dictate terms. Get a friend round, you need friends or family.

And you are torturing him are you? Yeah right.

Ask him what on earth he thinks he's doing. Either he's leaving you or he's not. If he wants to split up then he needs to go, not wander round torturing you.

p.s. And how are you supposed to look after your kids while this is going on, without telling them. They'll know something's up.

Sorry OP. He is horrible.

Iamdobby63 Wed 15-Jun-16 19:21:40

Caught by you texting a female?

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

It seems to be 'all about him', he stormed out because of what you said and yet he has given you several reasons not to feel secure within the relationship. Do you think he is serious or could he possibly be trying to get you to drop any mention or hint of his infidelities by using emotional blackmail?

So he wants to separate (be free) and yet still pretend to be a happy family from the comfort of the family home.

If he wants to separate then he needs to make arrangements and go and then you can rebuild your life just as you did before. flowers

Attheendofmytether1 Wed 15-Jun-16 19:28:14

Thanks for the replies.
Think he is serious but who knows. We've been here before.
I have a lovely group of friends now and have been in constant contact with three of them.
I'm going to meet my best friend soon and he is furious and has said he doesn't see what good it will do and that she will only 'back me up'.
I'm beginning to see how horrible he is, especially as I have no family in this country and last time had no one.
Now I have a support system, he's angry at that too.
I have offered counselling and to start a new relationship but he is adament he is separating but will only leave our home and tell Our DC on HIS terms and in HIS own time.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 15-Jun-16 19:34:43

He is angry that your best friend will back you up? Holy fuck. What a knob end. He only cares about himself and his own opinions doesn't he? What's right for you is irrelevant.

Why would you want a knob end like that to live with you?

You have to get him out of your life as soon as you can. Get a solicitor.

You can't force him out of the house until the divorce is sorted. However, you have total control over when the DC are told. You can tell them today if you want.

Attheendofmytether1 Wed 15-Jun-16 19:38:48

Thank you. I know that's what I want. To take control. My friend is a very strong independent woman and he doesn't like that. She gives me a boost and I'll be stronger when I get home. He wants me to make this as easy as possible for him and I can't.
My children are my priority and I'm their main carer.

Sassypants82 Wed 15-Jun-16 19:42:59

What a horrible man. I can't wait to see your update thread in six months time telling us about how much happier you are. And how much happier your DC are. His behaviour is totally abusive. So you think he'd just refuse if you asked him to leave tonight?

Hillfarmer Wed 15-Jun-16 19:44:18

He doesn't like you having support. Nice. He is so, so selfish. Get as much support and friends propping you up (how unfair on him!) as you can. And get yourself a really good, tough solicitor as soon as you can. This man is going to play mind games all the way.. best be prepared for war. Get back-up. He doesn't like you getting back-up does he? That's because he wants you to be a pushover. Don't give him that OP. He is certainly not your friend.

Iamdobby63 Wed 15-Jun-16 20:11:18

Honestly it sounds like you would be better off without him, he sounds very selfish and controlling. In future all you need to do is to give notice you are going out from a child care point of view, it's none of his business who you are seeing or where you are going. He made the choice that you are not a couple anymore therefore it's nothing to do with him.

He doesn't get to make all the decisions, your views are just as valid as his.

Get yourself off to see a solicitor and set the ball in motion.

Attheendofmytether1 Wed 15-Jun-16 21:29:09

Yes he has refused point blank to go. Says I would have to remove him forceably.
I am now home and he had sent a text to make sure I didn't go to see the girl he was caught texting with.
I have no intention of this and am not wanting to argue so he is visibly agitated that I won't get into it with him.
This is the texts I found but he says they were jokey and innocent. (I only found them when we got new iPhones and they synched to my old one I had given my daughter and I saw it before she did thank goodness) his texts are the blue ones.

Thattimeofyearagain Wed 15-Jun-16 21:55:10

He is an arsehole, and a controlling one at that .

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly Wed 15-Jun-16 21:57:23

There's nothing innocent about that conversation - there are only a few messages there, but it's fairly straightforward to put the pieces together.

OP I am so hoping that you will find the strength to walk away from this and not look back flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 15-Jun-16 22:00:57

Removing him forceably seems like the right option then.

It can take a while but the courts can make that happen.

The sooner you get that ball rolling, the sooner you will have your control back.

SandyY2K Wed 15-Jun-16 22:03:54

Don't let him dictate the terms of this for you. He's treating you very badly and he needs to see you are capable of a life without him and a great life at that.

I've sent a message to your inbox , which I hope you find useful.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 15-Jun-16 22:05:02

Good for you for not engaging. Let him sweat. You never know, if you stop engaging and so he stops getting his little thrills from getting a rise out of you, then he might move out himself.

The words that come out of his mouth mean fuck all, right. It sounds to me that's the evidence of his past pronouncements: they had fuck all to do with reality.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jun-16 22:08:21

Jesus Christ, why do you still want this man ?

he loves no one but himself

He will lead you a dog's life if you keep begging him to come back. Find your self respect, lean on your support system and give this fucker a lesson he will never forget

tipsytrifle Wed 15-Jun-16 22:13:54

What is your housing situation? Joint mortgage or not? Shared tenancy or not? This sounds like it could get nasty as he is digging in and already engineering the environment to his desires. Possibly he has already had legal advice? Time for you to get yours. With the international element, it might be that this is a complex legal situation. I'm sorry you're in such a shit situation but glad you have support this time round. Use it to the full!

I doubt this relationship is saveable and he does sound very unpleasant. You deserve way better but you need to get your bravery pants on!

Attheendofmytether1 Wed 15-Jun-16 22:15:07

Anyfucker if I didn't know better, I'd say you were the friend I met tonight lol.
I love him I think because it's the only adult life I know. I've been with him since I was 15.
Our parents are eager for us to work it out for the kids but I know this is for the best.
I am refusing to engage and have taken myself to bed with a cuppa (first drink today) and I intend to call a solicitor in the morning as to where I stand regarding him refusing to leave.

Attheendofmytether1 Wed 15-Jun-16 22:17:30

We have a joint mortgage. We're both British, my parents emigrated to Canada when I was 20 and I stayed with him here in their home which we later bought.
I know I deserve better just feels like after four kids that I'll be on my own forever and that's scary.

WellErrr Wed 15-Jun-16 22:27:04

I'd be more scared of the thought of years more with this arse.

Sorry OP flowers but I'd snap his hand off.

Attheendofmytether1 Wed 15-Jun-16 22:32:40

See he has me thinking that I did wrong. That this is my fault because I didn't get over his infidelities quick enough. Like he gave me a chance and I blew it.
I need to suck it up as another friend told me today and show him that I deserve better.

Gide Wed 15-Jun-16 22:40:29

He's an idiot. Those texts are very clear. Do NOTHING for him, no food, no washing, don't pick up anything he drops, NOTHING.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jun-16 22:52:14

This sexually incontinent twat has a lot to answer for

He sounds like a teenager with his tongue hanging out. I have no respect for men like this and when your head clears, I hope you wise up to what a sleaze he is

Don't you dare take any blame for his inadequacy

I always fancied a trip to Canada...

tipsytrifle Wed 15-Jun-16 22:54:34

Absolutely he's an idiot of the first order. I'm sick to my back teeth of people having to "get over" things and make things right that are, ultimately, not of their making or choice. Some stuff isn't fit to be made right . That all makes the initial assumption (by who??) an imposition and I think we should all be sick of them too!

You did no wrong. You blew nothing. He did. He did it all. Show him you deserve better but most of all, show YOU that you deserve better. BTW he's an idiot. Yeah? You agree, right?

Attheendofmytether1 Wed 15-Jun-16 23:03:20

Course I agree. I KNOW I deserve better. He lost my trust a long time ago and if I changed its of his doing.
I fought depression for a long time and had to take 7 months off my job to get better.
I'm am only now 3 years after returning gaining my boss's respect and have gotten a promotion. I don't want this to set me back.
He had accused me of cheating on a girls overnight trip to Glasgow. I am many things but NOT a cheater and I feel this was to make himself feel better about his past.
I'd already made plans to go to New York for my 40th next year and was feeling guilty about leaving him behind!
He used to be such a nice person but then who knows maybe I really never knew him at all.
Mr 6ft 4 will be very comfortable on our sofa in sure!

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