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I now really dont believe that the majority of men are faithful

(193 Posts)
isthismylifenow Wed 15-Jun-16 14:32:41

I know I am generalizing now, but once again I have had an "offer" from a married man.

I have posted frequently here, so maybe you remember me, but if not, separated for 6 months from a 20 year marriage.

I have been propositioned on a few occasions now, but this last one just takes the cake.

How offended on a scale of 1-10 would you be by this message..?

"If I were there right now, I would wine and dine you to your hearts content, then with your permission, would take you home and perform wild and wonderful sex bringing out the worst in you"

I reply in a joking manner (in your dreams...) as this is a friend I have know for some time, there has been banter in the past between us, but nothing more than a joke here and there.

His reply to that:

"I need something casual and safe, what do you say, are you keen to take it further"

WTAF! So I didn't even reply and now I am getting the "oh so ignoring me now messages"

I am upset. I don't think I am wrong in feeling upset. This has happened quite a few times now, in every case the man is 'happily' married.....well that is how it would appear when I was married and we were all mates. Now I am single, it seems like men think they have the right to treat me like a piece of meat, or 'ah its been 6 months, she must be gagging for it, so I will give her one'... its degrading and its making me start to dislike men. I am no man hater btw, but what gives them the fucking right to think that this is okay on any level.

I don't know if it matters any (it shouldn't, but maybe I have portrayed the wrong message) that since my separation I started going to gym (this was for me, somewhere to work out frustrations and clear my head, which is does and I enjoy going), and I think I probably look better than I have in quite some time.... I am eating better so my skin looks clearer, all things that have just given me a tiny bit of confidence, of which I had NONE at all before.

Now today I ate a big bag of crisps and don't even want to go to gym tonight, as I feel today I just want to put back on the weight.. but fuck them, why should I.. I am not boasting about losing weight, so please don't read it that way.....for once I tried to do something for me, and now I am being taken advantage of AGAIN, but in a different way now...

I don't go out of my way to flirt, as I said I had a bit of a banter with some friends for years, but nothing heavy. I didn't message him first, he messaged me about work stuff (I do work in a very male orientated industry) and then bam!

I am not over-thinking this am I???

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Wed 15-Jun-16 14:39:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thisisnow16 Wed 15-Jun-16 14:47:31

Just had this conversation last week with a friend. Yep both concur that we have had loads of married men coming on to us. Not that flattering really ' I fancy you, but love my wife' o great thanks for that! confused

adora1 Wed 15-Jun-16 15:00:30

Well that's bloody depressing reading huh.

I don't know what the statistics are but there are NICE married men out there who don't prey on single women, I know some do but really don't waste your head space on them, they have probably been sleaze bags from the off.

Not good though I agree.

JellyBean31 Wed 15-Jun-16 15:10:34

I've been single 18 months and I am pleased to report that none of the married men in my acquaintance have tried it on with me. In fact one married colleague who I used to have mild flirty banter with positively avoids me like the plague now - as though he thinks I'm going to want to take it to the next level now I'm single hmm

But tbh (although I do think I look better than I ever did) I have always been the girl that blokes want to have a beer & a laugh with rather than someone who they fancy

thestamp Wed 15-Jun-16 15:11:14

I think that the majority of PEOPLE cheat at least once in their lifetime.

I don't think it's depressing really. I think it reflects human nature. Better to accept it and adjust ones expectations. Humans are horny, frail and selfish but that doesn't mean we don't love each other.

Jmo. I'm 8 months out of a longish marriage (11ish years together, 8 married) and I've a male friend who is married. He's not propositioned me but I suspect he's been tempted sometimes. If he did, I'd assume he was having a weak moment, scold him gently and move on.

adora1 Wed 15-Jun-16 15:16:05

I just wonder sometimes, I am not married but have remained faithful in my 15 year relationship, the cheats I see amongst my friends do tend to be the married ones.

Whatever happened to marriage being a contract, a contract to remain faithful!

YourPerception Wed 15-Jun-16 15:20:21

Whilst married I was propositioned and post separation one of the married Dad's from school tried to start something with me.

I have known many former friends or colleagues help cheat on a wife with a MM.

Summerlovinf Wed 15-Jun-16 15:22:09

I agree a lot of married men do seem to want to suss out opportunities to cheat from the safety of their main relationship. Ive had that plenty of times especially when I first split from my husband. I've just broken up with a guy who I think had me down as the marrying type...and given he had me safe for wifely type reliability and love, was starting to let his hands wander elsewhere. It's depressing really.

mumofthemonsters808 Wed 15-Jun-16 15:23:08

I don't think it's as clear cut as you imply.He is a cheeky bastard sending a message like that, but I fail to believe that he had not read or misinterpreted some sort of signal to warrant this type of message. Maybe the friendly banter is giving him a confidence boost and he actually believes you want to take things further. It's very rare for men to send inappropriate messages and risk rejection and humiliation without any hint of interest.

My single friend used to tell me that she had this problem but when I read through the full conversations, I could see what the men were picking up on, even though it was innocent chit chat on her part, by their first sentence she should have known to sack the whole conversation and tell him to F off, but she didn't, she kept it going and then moaned. I even told her to stay off her phone and remember that there is life beyond a mobile.

Summerlovinf Wed 15-Jun-16 15:25:17

I'd say 'dream on' is a polite way of saying 'fuck off ' and the follow up was totally out of line

ChicRock Wed 15-Jun-16 15:26:29

I think probably most women's response to his first text would be along the lines of "are you fucking joking, your text is so inappropriate I don't know where to start, but if you EVER text me anything like that again I'll show it to your wife".

Littleoddfeet Wed 15-Jun-16 15:28:32

I went on a work course about 8 years ago - it opened my eyes massively. I'm not naïve and know that cheating happens but the amount of (happily married) men who were up for a bit of extra curricular was startling (not just with me I hasten to add)... After a few beers in the hotel bar there was all sorts going on - and from men I really, really wouldn't expect to stray.

ComtesseDeSpair Wed 15-Jun-16 15:30:49

I know where you're coming from. Until very recently I genuinely believed that most men were faithful, even after discovering that long-term ex-p cheated on me for most of our 5-year relationship (although I didn't find out how extensive it was until the final few months) and having since been approached for sex by men who I knew were in relationships, and having done some OLD-ing and met men who I worked out pretty quickly were just looking for a bit on the side. I still held on to the idea that the cheats were in the minority. Until the past couple of weeks, when a man I'd been dating for a couple of months turned out to also be in a LTR. This one just seems to have knocked me for six and made me question my faith in humanity a bit, even.

I think what really threw me about him was how genuine he'd previously come across and reconciling that with him being a big ol' cheat. I always thought that if people were going to shag around they sort of made up a pseudo-life for themselves to do it, or were at least very invested in keeping "real" life separate from "affair" life; but because I've now also seen this guy's full FB profile and everything it's clear he's actually been completely truthful and immensely detailed with me about every aspect of his life of his life and background except for the already having a girlfriend bit - like even down to the street his mum lives on and weird stuff like that! Hence him seeming so genuine, I guess. If you can't trust the ones who come across so well, who can you trust? I'm sure I'll bounce back, but seeing his girlfriend's FB profile, and statuses where she talks about him and seems so happy and in love... it just made me feel so sad for her and so annoyed at him and the dick he was being to do that to her.

oldlaundbooth Wed 15-Jun-16 15:36:52

I agree.

I think that a lot of men would cheat if they could guarantee that they wouldn't be found out. In fact, most, think 95%. Probably many women too.

As OP said, men do react differently if you lose weight, dress well, work out etc.

Work conferences etc are the worst for that kind of thing.

OP your 'mate', does sound quite sleazy.

oldlaundbooth Wed 15-Jun-16 15:38:23

We went to a party at one of DH'S friends.

I asked the friend for the wifi code. He said 'I'll put it in': it was his phone number! His wife was right there! WTAF.

adora1 Wed 15-Jun-16 15:44:02

If you spend more than five minutes being nice and smiling with a desperate man, in his eyes you are mad on him, yes, they really are that deluded!

3perfectweemen Wed 15-Jun-16 15:50:28

No I don't agree with that. It goes by character not gender. Call me naive but I trust my husband 100%. I notice girls look at him but I'm not bothered as he is devoted to me and our young children.
If Kim Kardashian came on to him I'm 99.9% sure he would decline grin

Stupendouslyshit Wed 15-Jun-16 15:58:44

Oh lord. I've had this for the last two years and I've become brutal in cutting these marrieds off now. I felt I had to be polite and put up with it for a while but just grew weary of FB becoming a sleaze pit for these arses. Many who I'd considered friends for a long time.

Some of the single ones are too slimy for my liking too and they try to own you with over familiar posts which suggest there's something going on - when there genuinely isn't! Try explaining that to the low-key fella you're seeing in RL.

I'm hardly Beyoncé - but these men are chancers. There are plenty I know who wouldn't dream of this kind of thing.

Being newly single attracts some real muppets, and just when you're most vulnerable. Just cut them off. They know why you're doing it.

The thing that gets me is the assumption you're desperate, so will bite their hand off to be their bit on the side!!!

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Jun-16 16:01:15

I agree with thestamp it's people not men. Who are these unfaithful men having flings with??

adora1 Wed 15-Jun-16 16:03:08

Naze: well one of my single friends for sure, she has no qualms whatsoever about having a bit sex with a MM.

HazelBite Wed 15-Jun-16 16:04:30

Reading this has been interesting. In the late 1970's and early 1980's I worked in an office in Central London (part of a government dept) where a good 90% of the married men who worked there had an "office girlfriend".
The girlfriends were mainly young single women although there were a few "engaged" and married ones that they would hook up with.
At the time it was seen as the "norm" and no-one ever commented or gossiped that "thingy was now going out with so and so" in fact "thingy" and "so-and-so" were always referred to as a couple even though "thingy" had a wife and children at home.

Because of this I was reluctant to attend any work socials and after work drinks, and always used to say "I must get home to DH"

It was only after I worked else where it really brought it home to me that this was not normal!

ComtesseDeSpair Wed 15-Jun-16 16:05:32

Unsuspecting women? I don't think I have a female friend who hasn't at some stage found herself approached by or even dating a man she didnt find out was already in a relationship until later on. See my post above.

I know women do cheat, but I just don't see them being so blatent and slimy about it as other posters above have mentioned men having been to them.

Vagabond Wed 15-Jun-16 16:09:23

I was overseas when there were a lot of military guys from the UK there for an extended time and my experience was that well over half of them cheated on their wives and had actual girlfriends while on a 6 month deployment. The girls they cheated with: stewardesses in a Gulf country.

EarthboundMisfit Wed 15-Jun-16 16:15:21

Vagabond I had the experience of befriending a group of US servicemen overseas and in was stunned by how many of them cheated. Not wearing a wedding ring was standard and it was months before I discovered most of them were married.

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