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My husband is being interviewed under caution

(32 Posts)
WorriedNScared Wed 15-Jun-16 12:07:57

For domestic abuse against me.

NC for obvious reasons but I am so so scared and worried what's going to happen now and in the future. He's not physically abusive, just emotional and sexual.

I feel so alone right now. sad

GipsyDanger Wed 15-Jun-16 12:09:06

It's not 'just' emotional and sexual - that's abuse to. Not much advice but I'm here for you flowers

WorriedNScared Wed 15-Jun-16 12:14:00

Thank you. smile

It all feels like a horrible nightmare that I can't wake up from

Chimpfield Wed 15-Jun-16 12:23:27

So sorry you are having to go through this, offering a hand hold x

hownottofuckup Wed 15-Jun-16 12:27:30

Abuse is abuse there is no 'just'
It's a horrible thing to go through I know. Please remember you are not responsible for this, he is.
Have you got any RL support?

WorriedNScared Wed 15-Jun-16 12:32:18

Thank you, I do feel extremely guilty at doing this, I can't shake it.

My RL support has disappeared, my friends don't understand and I'm waiting for specific counselling sessions. The Samaritans have been utterly amazing when I was at my lowest ebb.

I have no friends. It is really hard doing this and feeling so isolated. I talk to people but I can't explain too much to them.

ImperialBlether Wed 15-Jun-16 12:32:43

Better he's being interviewed than he isn't. It's the only way to get it to stop. Do you have children together? Are you currently living together? Did you report him?

flowers - it must be really stressful for you.

WorriedNScared Wed 15-Jun-16 12:35:54

We have children together but he currently has them for stability and they have his family around to ensure they're safe, but I kick myself when I think that I left my babies behind. sad I couldn't take them as I had nowhere to go.

I'm in temporary accommodation with the council so I am safe and secure as best as I can be. That is a weight lifted from my shoulders.

WorriedNScared Wed 15-Jun-16 12:36:44

I reported him because friends and colleagues encouraged me to. Now they've left me to it and I am utterly terrified. The interview I had was horrendous.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Jun-16 12:37:16

You brave lady!!
Well done for reporting.
I hope you get a good outcome and all the local support services are helpful.
Are Womens Aid involved?

ImperialBlether Wed 15-Jun-16 12:39:42

I think it's really hard to have friends when you can't be open with them about your life. What exactly don't your friends understand?

ImperialBlether Wed 15-Jun-16 12:42:56

You really need to get your children back. It doesn't matter that he has family caring for them - it's completely unfair that he is abusing you and has your children because you couldn't cope with his abuse.

WorriedNScared Wed 15-Jun-16 12:42:59

Women's aid aren't involved but I know I can contact them if I need to.

My friends don't understand how I can feel so torn about it, why I cry and why I feel the way I do. They haven't experienced it so it's a bit alien, especially as my husband comes across as such a loving, caring upstanding member of society.

WorriedNScared Wed 15-Jun-16 12:44:36

I'm trying to get my children back, my eldest is 9 and wants to live with me, but I have to do it through the correct channels apparently sad

HemseyWhemsyWooChoo Wed 15-Jun-16 12:47:31

Abuse of any kind from the person who is supposed to love and care for you isn't right. IMO you have done the right thing in reporting him. You have put a strong message across to your children to say it is never right for a person to be treated in this way. It is called self-respect and everyone has a right to that.
It's a shame that the people who told you to report him have disappeared. I don't think it's that unusual though I'm afraid. You have done the right thing and hopefully your husband will learn he cannot behave and treat you in this way. I hope he gets the help he needs too as it sounds like he has issues that if left untreated will continue, if not you but with other people.
There is always support from us Mum's on here. Have you got family that you can turn to? Or Women's aid like the previous person here suggested?
Good luck hun xxxxxx Well done for being brave xxxxx

goddessofsmallthings Wed 15-Jun-16 12:47:46

If your h has been emotionally and sexually abusive to you, your guilt is misplaced as the only person who should be feeling guilty is him.

Have you been allocated a da worker? If not, please find your nearest Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and make contact today, or ask the police to refer you.

Being interviewed under caution doesn't necessarily mean that charges will be brought against your h today and he may be released on police bail later today pending surrender to the police station on a future date to learn whether he'll be charged.

If you're worried that he may return to your home ask the police to impose bail conditions which prohibit him from doing so and from making contact with you either direct or through a third party, and speak to WA about obtaining occupation and non-molestation orders.

Do you have dc and do you have any supportive family members that you can talk to?

Lweji Wed 15-Jun-16 12:48:53

How do you see the children?

Has there been a court decision regarding residency?

ImperialBlether Wed 15-Jun-16 12:49:24

Who says you have to do this through the correct channels?

How long have the children been living with him?

I hope the police take this further - it will make things much easier for you in terms of reclaiming the children.

ohtheholidays Wed 15-Jun-16 12:54:40

OP speak to the Womens Aid and the CAB for legal advice about getting your DC back with you and they can help you sort out what money your entitled to.

Your right it is a very confusing way to feel but you will get through this and sadly if no one you know has been through the same they will find it hard to understand,but there are lots of us on here who have gone through what your going and who do understand so please don't feel like your alone OP you'r not were all here.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 15-Jun-16 12:54:45

Cross posted. I'm dismayed to learn that your dc are with your h and his family.

If you had been in contact with WA prior to reporting your h I would have thought you would have been offered a refuge place for you and your dc, and if you presented as homeless to your local authority they have a statutory duty to house you and your dc.

What are these "normal channels" you are expected to go through to have the dc returned to you and who told you that this was the case?

Please make contact with WA as they can put you in touch with solicitors who specialise in family law and have specific experience of da cases.

rollmeover Wed 15-Jun-16 13:00:57

You need to get your children back as soon as possible, the longer you leave it the harder it will be. WA will be able to advise. Also as I understand it if there is no court order in place there is nothing to stop you moving them into your accommodation. Do you have contact with them?

Slummamumma Wed 15-Jun-16 13:20:43

How horrible for you to go through this and yes in RL speak to Women's Aid/ CAB. I have been where you are now and I understand how you feel about the guilt. You have no reason to feel guilty you are being incredibly brave. You know that you have done the right thing; just think he will never be able to abuse you again, as you have taken control flowers

IDontKnowWhoIAmAnymore Wed 15-Jun-16 13:31:43

WorriedNScared I am so sorry you're going through this flowers I've just escaped an emotional and sexually abusive relationship too, I can completely understand how you feel.

It's ok to cry, it is ok to feel guilty, hell its even ok to regret it. You are safe now, that's a good thing. You will get your children back, don't worry too much, they'll be ok, kids are resilient. Women's aid are there to help if you'd like anyone to talk to about councilling etc, they can even help you with the legal process of getting your children (or at least give a lot of good advice about it).

I'm still in the waiting to wake from the nightmare stage too. It's awful, especially when you've no real support in rl. I'm just over a week into my "new life" and it's still not passed, still doesn't feel real. Wake up in the morning and everything feels fine until it all comes rushing back.

Be kind to yourself, remember that none of this is your fault. You've done the right thing, you've been so so incredibly strong to get yourself out and I know how much the need to break down can take over but don't give in. It'll pass eventually. I keep being told to give it time but no one is ever sure how much time, and really at this stage you just want everything over and done with.

Ignore anyone who doubts you, my exp is also a fantastic outstanding member of the community, loved by everyone while I'm the girl who has MH issues and he's trying to convince them that I'm throwing a strop because I didn't get my own way over something (he's never specified what) and we'll be back together soon enough (not happening). You've not over reacted (in case you feel like you have). Everything will be ok (at least, that's what I'm repeating daily, every time I feel like I can't carry on). It doesn't matter what he looks like to the rest of society, you've seen the real him. You found the strength to leave, you've found the strength to fight. Hold on to that, it does get better flowers

AdjustableWench Wed 15-Jun-16 13:35:01

I agree with previous posters. Speak to Women's Aid - they can help with legal advice. Also, they understand better than friends who haven't had your experiences.

Cocoabutton Wed 15-Jun-16 13:42:52

I am so sorry flowers

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