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Partner gone to ground - advice please!

(13 Posts)
Louisy20 Wed 15-Jun-16 10:16:23

Morning all - at a loss to know what to do. Any words of wisdom welcome!

First a brief synopsis - and apologies in advance if this sounds like a soap! Happily married for 25 years - 2 great sons. Week after big silver wedding party, find out my husband is gay 😳. I know - sounds crazy but trust me he hid it well. Limped on for 5 more years as I cared about him but became impossible when it became clear that he was seeing other men.

At a particularly low point in my life and by a bizarre coincidence I was contacted by my first love (hadn't seen each other for 37 years!). He divorced years ago and lives nearby. Amazingly the chemistry was still just as strong and after a few months we were a definite item and have been for the last two years. We don't live together but are in touch every day and always spend the weekends together. He is a complicated man - which I knew. When we were teenagers he had issues which is why we didn't stay together. But he has been in a much better place in the last few years and apart from the odd day when he just needs space we have been incredibly happy. His friends say they haven't seen him this happy for years.

So I do not understand what has happened. He was a bit subdued and quiet last Friday but then on Saturday he just lost it. Wouldn't talk to me or even look at me. He has now turned his phone off and come off social media - so is not talking to friends either. I did get a text saying it was nothing I had done. He said he just gets like this sometimes and can't help it and said its not fair on me. That was the last I've heard from him. An old friend of his said he has seen this so many times before and it's best just to leave hm to sort himself out.

I just don't know what to do - I am missing him terribly. And I'm so sad because I know we are happy together. I'm hurt too because he obviously doesn't feel he can lean on or confide in me. And part of me is angry that he is putting me through this stress.

Sorry for such a long post - any advice grateful received!

GarlicSteak Wed 15-Jun-16 10:29:08

He is absolutely right. It's not fair on you. However, you can't change who he is and neither, by the sound of it, can he. It's good that you've had confirmation from his friend - it's nothing to do with you being "good enough", he just has some anti-relationship glitch.

For god's sake, please don't go all "princess waiting in the wings" about it!
You've now found out why he divorced, why he's been single for so long ... it's sad, by the sounds of things, and irretrievable. Nobody deserves a relationship that just vanishes unexpectedly. It would turn you into a nervous wreck.

I had a boyfriend, in my twenties, who went awol occasionally. He lied about it a few times, then I realised things weren't adding up so tackled him. Turned out he'd go to another city for a massive bender, pass out in dumpsters, have lengthy blackouts, and couldn't or wouldn't remember anything except the first bar he went to. He was an alcoholic. There are multiple other reasons people do this, and you often find it's not a single reason but a combination of unattractive activities.

I am really sorry you've had this disappointment. I think it's best to simply be glad of all the good times you shared, relish the memories, and grieve a little for the long-term hopes you had flowers

Toomanymarsbars Wed 15-Jun-16 10:36:29

If his old friend says he's seen I t many times before of him, as hard as it is for you maybe just leave him to it until he comes out of it again. This has happened to be before, when I was younger. It was almost like a deep, dark episode that would culminate in a complete rejection of reality, and all that entailed - it was like my brain would just say "nope - can't deal with you today world". And I'd shut off. And in a way there was almost a self distraction element in there too of shutting myself off from my fiancé because i just couldn't take his eyes looking at me, seeing my behaviour etc. I just wanted to go away from where eyes could see me and just be on my own to work through it, it wasn't anything to do with my other half. I wouldn't take it personally - I think him knowing you're there for him would mean everything to him, once he's out of the fog enough to see it x

Toomanymarsbars Wed 15-Jun-16 10:37:33

*self destruction

Toomanymarsbars Wed 15-Jun-16 10:38:21

But don't put your life on hold for him. That's not fair on you x

princessmi12 Wed 15-Jun-16 10:57:22

OP, its just the way he is
I don't think hes breaking up with you or has anti relationship switch .
He just needs that time alone and when hes dealt with his emotional issues (more like mental health issues) he will be back in touch,normal as nothing ever happened. Don't take it personally.
My DP does it sometimes,he just locks himself up in his flat for few days,doesnt go out,doesnt communicate with outside world , and me.I suspect for reasons PP described-doesn't want me to see him in this state.
The most important thing here is to understand is that you not done anything to trigger it and him shutting off has nothing to do with you. Its up to you if you can deal with it ,on a regular basis.Yes I think it will happen again without a warning ,but will pass..until next time.

Louisy20 Wed 15-Jun-16 13:11:36

Thank you all for your replies. I do actually think it's a depressive episode rather than anything else. He had a difficult childhood and I think every so often the anger and resentment he feels bubbles up - and rather than target me (or anyone else) he would rather shut himself away. As this is the first time in 2 years, I do want to be here for him. Hopefully at some point we can talk about this - maybe suggest counselling. He did have some years ago which he said helped. And also maybe work out what triggered this - he was (or seemed fine)

DontDead0penlnside Wed 15-Jun-16 13:36:06

OP, on the very random off chance, he doesn't hail from the Bristol area and have a name beginning with M does he?

category12 Wed 15-Jun-16 13:42:05

I know someone like this. He loses his relationships when he has these episodes, but can't seem to change his pattern of behaviour.

I think you might be better off out of it, but if you hang on, don't fool yourself that you can help him change. If you hang on, be clear this is what it will be like and enjoy the good times and occupy yourself in the shut out times.

princessmi12 Wed 15-Jun-16 16:30:39

couldn't agree more

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 15-Jun-16 16:44:11

Are you a mental health professional? If not, stop trying to set yourself up as his talking therapist.

Do you really think he has never thought about having counselling?

It sits wrong with me that you would push him to manage his mental health issues differently because of your needs.

He seems happy with how he handles himself. His friends say he sorts himself out OK. He has made sure he hasn't taken it out on you. That sounds fine. Who are you to decide he has to change just to suit what you want out of a relationship?

Louisy20 Wed 15-Jun-16 17:30:29

No - he doesn't come from Bristol although he was based there for a year or two! But his name doesn't begin with M 🤔

DontDead0penlnside Thu 16-Jun-16 06:59:18


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