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Saving my marriage

(24 Posts)
Wheresthattomoibabber Tue 14-Jun-16 19:29:35

Just feel exhausted and bored and dissatisfied. DH does loads of things that annoy me (and I'm sure I do things that annoy him). I am just utterly fed up of motivating everything while he just atrophies on the sofa. We've been married 15 years, together 17. 3 kids (12, 9, 6).

What do I do? Where do I start?

Minime85 Tue 14-Jun-16 19:37:16

Talking to him

Wheresthattomoibabber Tue 14-Jun-16 19:41:40

Yeah have tried that. He is just so passive about everything and though he sees there is a problem he just doesn't change things or even suggest how to change things.

SandyY2K Tue 14-Jun-16 19:42:29

Start trying to reconnect by doing a monthly date night. You take it in turns to do something and arrange a babysitter.

Try and choose things that can give the opportunity for conversation afterwards.

Make a concious effort to be pleasant to him and show affection without expecting anything in return.

Think back to the things you saw in him when you first met and appreciate his good points.

As much as we women like compliments men do as well, so comment on how good he looks when he's dressed up or how great the aftershave smells and snow love by kissing and hugging.

The compliments need to come naturally otherwise it looks fake if this is something you never do.

Most people will return affection shown to them, but it takes one person to make the first move.

This isn't about throwing yourself at him and pandering to his every need, but treating him like a man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

With the date nights you can sit together and think of stuff you'd both like to do, write the list and cut them out then put in a box or something, then one person pulls out an activity and has to organise it.

Then also as a family with the kids try and have a regular outing. This kind of seals you all together as a family unit which neither of you would want torn apart.

When you've lost the closeness it's hard to get back on track.

Wheresthattomoibabber Tue 14-Jun-16 19:47:27

Thank you Sandy, that's actually a really helpful post. We used to do date night every week when the kids were little but money is tighter now and if I suggest it he just says it's too expensive or he's too tired. He has been a bit low recently and not looking after himself at all which hasn't helped. He's been better I the last week.

I honestly think I am just dangerously bored!

SandyY2K Tue 14-Jun-16 20:25:59

Your welcome.

It is hard with the kids and finances - I know what you mean.

Especially when you have to pay for babysitters. If you have family or friends willing to help out its a bit easier.

If you can't do a lot that costs much, try and do as much as you can that doesn't cost anything. Or that's as cheap as possible.

Minime85 Tue 14-Jun-16 20:46:51

Do you feel like it's a blip or something more serious?

Have you tried to in the simplest ways be kind to each other by just doing those little things and letting the small things that annoy you go?

What about reconnecting intimately? Have a bath together? Massage?

I think it really depends like my first question on is it a blip or serious? Do you want to save what you have? Is it at that critical point? How does he respond when you have spoken to him? If he is not forthcoming is there a reason?

Wheresthattomoibabber Tue 14-Jun-16 21:00:46

Hope it's a blip. Many many many couples we know have separated recently which makes things even harder for some reason. I do love him and I do want to be with him but I just can't help imagining a different life. Think the problem lies more with me.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 14-Jun-16 21:05:07

You can't save a marriage alone.

His lack of action is pissing you off.

Put him in charge of saving the marriage. If he wants to save the marriage, he will spring into action. If he doesn't do anything, well you know it couldn't be saved because he wasn't much bothered.

MoreKopparbergthanKrug Tue 14-Jun-16 21:17:08

God, that REALLY resonates with me Rabbit.

I'm in a similar position OP.... except I want HIM to be the one suggesting massages and organising babysitters and nights out. I can do (and have done) all that stuff and it did work short term; but when I stopped organising (combination of work trips away and regular babysitter heading off to uni last year) he hasn't. I talked to him about it loads of times, he says it's not that he can't be bothered but actions speak louder than words.

I feel so sad - he's a fairly good housemate in terms of sharing the kid/housework load equally but has to be tasked to do stuff, including "relationship work" and I'm just so so sick of always being the initiator.

BarbaraRoberts Tue 14-Jun-16 21:26:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minime85 Tue 14-Jun-16 21:41:00

I think you need an open and honest sit down with your husband. It's no good if only one of you is working on it and it shouldn't just come from one of you. It has to be because both of you have your heart in it. Both of you want it.

It should be about your relationship and your family unit. Something I miss is not having my husband to share in the things the children achieve.

I can resonate a lot with what has been said but it was only me being the one trying to save it. Now, Whilst I don't miss him, I miss not being with the dad of my kids as it just adds a whole dimension of difficultness. Be careful not to say anything you can't take back.

Wheresthattomoibabber Tue 14-Jun-16 22:01:50

Yes More exactly that. I do not want to be the initiator any more.

LellyMcKelly Tue 14-Jun-16 22:17:15

First check if he still wants to be with you.

Wheresthattomoibabber Tue 14-Jun-16 22:32:59

He says he does.

LellyMcKelly Tue 14-Jun-16 22:49:20

Do you believe him?

SandyY2K Tue 14-Jun-16 23:57:00

If you shop in tesco then the reward points reduce the cost of meals and activities out. It's great when funds are tight.

Wheresthattomoibabber Wed 15-Jun-16 09:44:31

I do. But he is just so passive about a everything.

I will look at clubcard stuff, thank you. Good idea.

Butterworthbees Wed 15-Jun-16 10:00:19

The question is was he always quite passive or has he become passive?

If it's first it's probably his personality so embrace being the initiator (it's fun once you get over the Hollywood idea the man has to be the initiator)

If he has changed recently then it might be that you have both fallen into a bit of a rut and in that case go for a drive or a walk or something where you can talk about it?

Wheresthattomoibabber Wed 15-Jun-16 10:15:24

That's good question. I think he always had tendencies towards being passive but it got worse the more I organised things.

MoreKopparbergthanKrug Wed 15-Jun-16 10:26:39

Same here... It's led to me blaming myself - if I hadn't done so much of the organising in the past and "taken over" would it be better now?

We had a chat last night - he was really surprised, he thought he'd been more proactive since our last conversation about it. He did agree that he couldn't give instances tho' - that makes it sound like the conversation was really aggressive with me making him give examples - it wasn't - I'm still really confused as to whether I'm expecting too much, I'm not recognising stuff he does do... gah. It's a viscious cycle - I know he'd find it helpful if I said, I'd really like it if you organised a night out and booked a babysitter; but to me, that's me initiating (again).

Sorry, not much help :-(

Butterworthbees Wed 15-Jun-16 11:11:51

I guess you have three (productive) choices if you want to remain in the marriage (in my eyes anyway)

- tell him you want him to initiate more have a heart to heart about it and then back off and see what happens

- accept that his personality is a little passive (nothing wrong with that!) and embrace being the one to organise stuff

- regularly tell him you want him to take you out on X day and for him to organise everything and then let him get on with it.

Remember him not initiating is probably not him not caring about you (unless of course he used to do it loads and has now stopped) it's just people show love in different ways. Maybe ask him how he receives and shows love?

In my relationship I am definitely the naturally passive one in terms of organising stuff, for me I give and recieve love with touch and words so wouldn't occur to me to give love by organising a date night. However now I understand it is important to my DH I do it more. Equally DH has realised that I don't need elaborate days out to feel loved, usually a cuddle and a catch up over a dog walk is just perfect.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Jun-16 11:24:33

In this weather you can plan a picnic.
Go for a nice stroll to a park.
Plant yourselves down and have a couple of glasses of wine and some nibbles.
Doesn't have to cost a lot to get out together.

Give him a list of things for him to organise (I know that kind of defeats the point but....)
Whether it be bins
Doing things with the kids

adora1 Wed 15-Jun-16 17:08:59

You can't save anything on your own, he needs to put the effort in, the dissatisfaction at your relationship and his so called passiveness is making you feel even worse, he either wants to work things out or not, I'd not carry on like this, it's soul destroying.

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