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I think I need to leave but how?

(13 Posts)
ConstanceRuby Tue 14-Jun-16 16:37:20

I've name changed for this as I don't wish to be identified.

I think I need to leave my DH. We've been together for 10 yrs married for 6. We have DS 3 and DD 4 months. We recently moved to be closer to his family, which is 200 miles from mine, and 250 miles from the last place I worked. I gave up my job 1 year ago to be a stay at home mum as DH job requires long hours, often away from home. It was a mutual agreement but I'm dependant on him for a place to live and money grr. 

There are so many reasons why it's over but they've recently boiled down to I feel like the family servant and that he doesn't really care about us on a deeper level than the superficial 'look at me and my perfect family set up'.

I was sick last weekend and he didn't lift a finger to care for me or the DCs just went off and pursued his hobby whilst I crawled around on all fours looking after them! When I gave birth recently he saw me up to the maternity ward and then left me there for 9 hours alone. He came home and just mooched around the house. He didn't tidy up, prepare the house in anyway for a new baby. He'd already left DS at his mum's so he just spent the day doing his own thing! I eventually had to ask him if he was going to come back. 

But what do I do? Where do I go? I'm happy to return to work full time and had a job on roughly 40k. Do I retreat to where I'm from, where my family is but where job opportunities are limited. Do I stay where I am now, where I could hopefully find a job but where I have no support and don't really know the area? Returning to where my old job was isn't really an option. 

How do I get a house when I don't have a job, last time I rented I needed a reference letter from my employer and bank statements.  How do I afford wraparound care for my children and a house etc? I don't think I'll be eligible for benefits as I do have some savings squirrelled away. 

DH works in the legal profession but has always said he will walk away from any contact with his children if we split. I know he will make it difficult to get any financial support. He says he has been keeping a document of my 'abuse' towards him in case I ever file for divorce so I'm worried about starting something very ugly.

On a superficial level I have a wonderful life but am just so unhappy and feel completely unloved. I'd rather be on my own. I just feel such a mug for getting into this dependant situation where I can be treated badly.

CrazyforCrochet Tue 14-Jun-16 17:05:03

If I were in your situation I'd move back to where my own family were. Is there any chance you could move in with a family member just for a short while until you could find a job? If you used to be on 40k then you must have been doing a good job and so your prospects should be positive on that front. Failing that, if you have some savings squirreled away then you could rent short term, I would look into it if I were you - they may not all need to see a reference letter from an employer. Phone a letting agent from the area you want to move to and sound them out. If you have savings to get you by then that is a big plus. If you have enough savings then that would show you could pay the rent for a 6 month term. Failing that then some private landlords are far more flexible. A place I rented once from a private landlord didn't ask for hardly any paperwork at all and it was fine. You would still get financial support as don't fathers have to pay maintenance? I'm not sure of the in's and outs of that but I'm sure you could find the information online or at a citizens advice bureau. I'm sure there is also money you can claim to pay for childcare costs, again look online. Don't take any notice about the 'document of abuse' threat - I'm sure they hear of this sort of story all the time and don't take much notice. Splitting up can be ugly, I've gone through it myself - we were together 12 years - but not married. It is upsetting for a short time, but then afterwards is freeing and you can move onto a wonderful new life. Good luck.

Smorgasboard Tue 14-Jun-16 17:07:12

Wow! What a prize tosspot he is! So he doesn't want to see the children if you split (why did he bother to have them?) and he's into giving inane threats about a log he has of your behaviour if you divorce?
It's all just BS he's feeding you to scare you into staying of course. Whatever the reason you divorce, the financial settlements are separate to the reason it happened. Doesn't make any difference what he say's you've done, so just ignore that empty gesture of his. It's likely that his claiming to cut contact with the kids is to make you stay and put up with things as they are.
Glad you can see what a nob he is, I think you should just ignore all his threats.
It would be helpful if he would go, and you stay in the house until it's sold, while looking for a job nearer your family support. I'm guessing he will refuse to move out though, seeing as he is hell bent on threatening you to make you stay. Perhaps put some savings towards moving home, family support is priceless at a time like this, and you can always strike out on your own again in the future.

OhNoNotMyBaby Tue 14-Jun-16 17:10:34

He says he has been keeping a document of my 'abuse' towards him in case I ever file for divorce

Jeez... Get out now. The 1st step is to see a solicitor. They will advise you. You are married so you have rights. You cannot be made homeless. He will be made to support you.

Please do not waste another minute of your life on this awful man.

Oh, and btw, the above statement is evidence of HIS emotional abuse to YOU.

whenitsover Tue 14-Jun-16 17:19:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConstanceRuby Tue 14-Jun-16 20:06:21

Thanks so much for your replies.

I could in the short term stay with family until I sort myself out. Some days he says he'll leave and I can stay in the house until it is sold and the others he tells me to move. To be honest he tries to say the opposite of what he thinks I want.

I think I just need to start applying for some jobs and see what comes of that.

I feel like I've lost the confident career driven woman I used to be and I've let myself be hooked in by the ideal of a family life with us both doing our individual roles with respect. It's just not a reality. I hate the idea though that if I leave I'll deny my children their Dad.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 14-Jun-16 20:17:18

Get a job where you are now. Get some money. Find your confidence again. See a solicitor and quietly plan your exit.

He can document as much abuse as he likes. It will make fuck all difference to the financial settlement and the residency arrangements. All it might do is speed up the divorce. It won't make any part of it more ugly. The fact that you think it might matter tells me that you've not taken legal advice yet.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 14-Jun-16 20:19:25

You will not deny the children their dad. Their dad will deny them a dad. He could easily choose to co-parent nicely. His choice.

ConstanceRuby Tue 14-Jun-16 20:23:08

No I've not taken legal advice yet. I know that as soon as he knows I've taken legal advice he will get very nasty very quickly so I think I either need to do it secretly or make good my exit.

He believes his document of abuse will prove I'm not a fit mother and that I have mental health issues. But if you ask anyone who knows us as a couple they will say he has anger issues and can be a very mean person some times.

I'm no angel but I just want a relationship where I'm respected and loved.

SandyY2K Tue 14-Jun-16 20:36:21

has always said he will walk away from any contact with his children if we split

I have to ask why did you have more kids with a man who has such views?

It's evident from that statement he doesn't give a damn.

pocketsaviour Tue 14-Jun-16 20:41:52

He believes his document of abuse will prove I'm not a fit mother and that I have mental health issues.

So he's going to prove you're an unfit mother... so he can take full residence of the children he said he's not going to bother contacting?

grin grin grin grin

So transparent it's literally laughable.

I think a call to Womens Aid might benefit you immensely. His tactics as you've described them are textbook abusive.

ConstanceRuby Tue 14-Jun-16 20:56:15

When he's mean he's very, very mean and when he's lovely he's great. You just don't always know what you're going to get. It's like walking on eggshells.

I think sadly having another child has made him even more selfish. I think he sees my priorities are the children so he is just looking after himself.

I often fall for the story that he is very stressed with work but his lack of care recently has opened my eyes more.

I don't fear the battle with him and his pathetic attempts to discredit me as I do see though this behaviour now as a desperate attempt to make me stay. I just don't look forward to breaking up my family I've tried so hard to have.

bluecashmere Tue 14-Jun-16 21:19:14

As pocketsaviour said, this is textbook and if you speak to Women's Aid it will give you some clarity.

How are you breaking up the family when it's down to his behaviour? You're giving up the dream of a perfect family life but you're never going to have it with him. Now is the perfect time to get out. DC are young enough that once you've set up a new life for yourself they won't remember it ever being different. And whilst it might seem sad for them not to have a dad in their life it sounds like no contact would be ideal.

I left when I wasn't working and had to rely on family in the beginning. It's not been easy but no regrets.

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