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Women who choose to leave

(12 Posts)
user1465900006 Tue 14-Jun-16 16:17:12

I feel very strongly that we, as women, feel ashamed and abashed talking about the subject of women choosing to leave the family home. Men leave their families all the time, and it's a fair choice, but for women, it's taboo - it's even taboo just to talk about it. I'd like to talk to some women who have felt this way, (which probably includes more people than you'd think) to highlight how this social perception holds at a time when women's equality is finally visible.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-Jun-16 16:23:29

when women's equality is finally visible
Says who?
I can't 'see' it. I don't even think we are close.

My Ex walked away from us.
I was left to do it all.
He even moved countries!
I got on with it.
He did have her for a while and my heart broke and I missed her.
But he's feckin useless and I had to go get her back.

I just don't think 'women' will ever be the majority who are happy to walk away from their kids.
We just very rarely do it.
Whether it's because are maternal or have more of an emotional bond with the DC, I have no idea.

Having said that, I wouldn't look down on a woman who chose to walk away.
There are many reasons why that is often the best option.
I know someone who had to do it or she would have probably been killed by her then 'D'H.
It was best for the kids at the time.

As women - we do what we have to do and what we think is best for our DC.

JellyBean31 Tue 14-Jun-16 16:28:33

I left my husband, family home and 2 DS (16 & 18 at the time). I am not ashamed of talking about it, i have a very good relationship with my DS who I see regularly and who fully understand my rationale. I miss them of course but they still very much see me as the nurturing maternal figure and come to (or contact) me when they are ill/worried/scared rather than talk to their dad who they live with.

They are 18 & 19 now but some people's attitude is still that I shouldn't have left them. I feel guilty for lots of reasons over the break up of my marriage I'm not about to add another layer of guilt because someone else thinks I shouldn't have left without them!

Like I said I have a brilliant relationship with them and we have found a routine that suits us all. I am hugely proud of my son's and they are hugely proud of me for being brave enough to leave smile

LurcioAgain Tue 14-Jun-16 16:41:40

Get yourself a normal user name, and I might consider discussing this. But this site is currently awash with user1234567 IDs - not necessarily your fault, it's what happens when you register via the mobile phone app. But it does make things open season for trolls at the moment, and you have started a thread on a very contentious issue, and you write a bit like a journalist trawling for copy. I'm sure if you're in good faith, you'll find a pc/laptop and change your name to something more sensible.

In the mean time, can I remind posters of the mumsnet advice: don't give away more of yourself than you're happy about.

mangosandlime Tue 14-Jun-16 16:51:57

I left family home.
I didn't have children so it's probably different.

Or at least it should be different. But I feel very judged

TheNaze73 Tue 14-Jun-16 18:17:07

The bond between a father & his children, will never be as strong as a Mum's. His part in the process, is 5 minutes long wink
He doesn't feel the kicks, his not sick, he doesn't get the irrational mood swings & has nothing growing inside them for 9 months.

PsychedelicSheep Tue 14-Jun-16 18:50:56

See, I don't agree with that. And I also think perpetuating the idea than women are just naturally 'better' parents than men is sexist and gives weight to unequal parental leave and fewer opportunities for women. and how many threads do we see on here where the man does fuck all parenting because he considers it 'women's work'. It's not women's work at all, only when babies are very small and breastfeeding. There are people who are good parents, and people who are less good. Men and women both.

Caffeinator Tue 14-Jun-16 19:21:14

you write a bit like a journalist trawling for copy

I agree.

PsychedelicSheep Tue 14-Jun-16 19:24:20

My own situation has similarities with JellyBeans only my children are younger. I separated from their dad some years ago, he moved in with OW very quickly and kids stayed with me full time. Over time he had them more frequently. EOW to start with for a long while, then a bit more and building up to 50/50 after a few years. Exh was not a very hands on dad when they were small, I did pretty much everything while he sat in the pub 🙄 But now he is a fantastic dad and at least as good of a parent as I am. Better in some ways even, the organisational stuff for a start!

Then a year ago I decided to move to a city 30 miles away. The town we lived in before held no appeal, I had no family and few friends there anymore and it was a cultural wasteland with nothing going on. Exh has all his family and his business there but I felt done with the place. But eldest dc did not want to move. I could have stayed for him but honestly, I think I would have withered away and died! Or at least become depressed, which would not have been good for any of us.

So I moved away and he stayed with his dad. I kept my job there though so that I could continue to have the other dc on school nights as we decided not to move her school for the time being. So now I have one dc 4 nights a week and the other every other weekend and half the holidays.

I have not 'left' them and have a great relationship with them both. Like JellyBean, they both come to me for emotional support more than to their dad and I am always on the end of the phone and they know they are welcome to come and stay anytime and will always have a home with me. We have some sort of contact (FaceTime, snapchat, whatsapp etc) daily. I am aware that this is not the end of our story, there may be a time in the future when living with me in the cool city seems more appealing than staying in the same boring town! And that will always be an option for them both to take if they choose. The way a friend put it, is I did all the graft for the first ten years, now exh is having a turn! I have done 2 postgraduate degrees since we separated, whereas he had th chance to build his business when they were small.

Of course I feel guilty sometimes though, and wonder if I've done the right thing? I think so, but I guess only time will tell. I do believe though, if I was a man no-one would bat an eyelid at my decision. I am aware sometimes of a slight anxiety about telling new people that I have another child but he lives with his dad currently. I do wonder if they judge me, or start imagining all sorts. But at the end of that day, it's no-one else's business and it works out well for us all for now and everyone is happy.

EarthboundMisfit Tue 14-Jun-16 19:36:04

Why don't you tell your story, OP?

wombattoo Tue 14-Jun-16 19:43:18

OP did you post about your DD 21st birthday a few days ago?

wombattoo Tue 14-Jun-16 19:51:49

Apologies. I didn't realise that there are many user whoever's about

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