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Is there any way back from this?

(19 Posts)
ragdollymama Tue 14-Jun-16 14:24:34

Hi I'm new as online forums aren't really my thing but I'm feeling so very low and alone I need to find an outlet for my anguish. So thank you in advance if you take time to read this.

I have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (10,6 and 2). Both of us have busy demanding jobs. I always thought we had a really strong, happy marriage but that started changing when I fell pregnant with our youngest. My husband wasn't happy, said he didn't want a third child (she was a genuine accident) and wanted me to abort. I couldn't do it. Earlier in our marriage I'd had 4 miscarriages. He knew how devastated I'd been. I couldn't really believe he was asking this of me and carried on through thinking he'd come round. I thought he had, but thinking back that was the point of change. He didn't take paternity leave, returning to work the day after I came home from hospital (c-section). He has never bonded with our youngest, never done a night feed. Over the last two years he has become increasingly detached. He shows zero interest in me and even less in our 3 kids. He gets home from work and goes off and does a workout while I do the whole bedtime routine. He never asked me about my day (if I ever talked about my work he'd shut me down telling me I'm boring), he never complimented me, never asked how I was. I do everything home/ kids related. I have been down, but just got on with it. For better for worse and all that, life is tough but I have always treasured my wonderful, funny children. I realised our relationship had stalled and I've tried time and again to re-kindle it. Taking him to concerts, a surprise weekend to New York for his birthday, surprise gifts. I've had nothing in return. Last week he told me he has been having an affair. He went online dating and found a girl because he feels shut out of our family and needed to feel wanted. He said he was telling me because he has finished his relationship with the girl (this went on for some months) at which point she discovered he was married with kids and she told him she would track me down and tell me. This has devastated me but I said I could deal with his infidelity. What I can't deal with is the underlying cause, which if isn't fixed will not go away. He'll cheat again and we'll both be miserable. I have demanded he has counselling which first off he agreed to but since then he seems to be resigned to it being over and says he's going to leave. I'm heartbroken. I came from a broken home and was so determined my children wouldn't have to deal with that. I'm so angry I can't even look at him. I don't know what to do but think its probably out of my hands anyway. Kids don't know yet - I've not shouted or cried when they've been here.

adora1 Tue 14-Jun-16 14:31:40

You don't need him, he is not good to you, he treats you appallingly so I am not in the least bit surprised he is having affairs behind your back, you need counselling just for yourself OP to discover why you think it's acceptable to be treated like this, it's not, and it's a terrible example to be showing your kids - whether married or not no human being has the right to treat you like crap, you will realise in time you are way better off without him, he's the cause of most of your misery.

Handsoffmysweets Tue 14-Jun-16 14:32:53

Hugs OP. What an arsehole your H has been. Before I'd even got to the bit about cheating it was obvious he was playing away. By the sounds of it it only came to an end because she threatened to tell. If you're honest with yourself do you feel that you have much left to save? I know what you're saying about a broken home but you can make it work on your own if you want to. It will be far worse for your children to leave in a house with parents who can't stand the sight of eachother. Do something now OP because DC2 notices he's rejecting her.

Handsoffmysweets Tue 14-Jun-16 14:35:48

Before not because and I meant DC3 not 2 sorry OP x

Herald Tue 14-Jun-16 14:35:57

The same happened to me with my now exw , she told me because the om finished it and she wanted ME to tell his fiancé..after begging me to forgive her (which I wouldn't) she told me she would have carried on if he hadn't finished it , she is now my exw for a reason.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-Jun-16 14:37:57

Well he will have to step up as a parent now.
It might be the wake up call he needs to understand what you have had to do for so long on your own.
Take is as a positive if you can.
You get some alone time.
You can have a workout every now and then.

Personally, I'd ask him to leave immediately to give yourself some headspace.
If you can get away without the kids even better. Leave them with him to cope with. He's been awful and a lying cheating scumbag so let him deal with some of the fallout for now.
Your initial reaction wasn't thought through. You panicked and just accepted everything to keep everything 'as it should be'
You need to really think about what you want.
Can you really just get over his infidelity?
It probably started when you noticed him distancing himself.
And HE actively went looking for it.
Not good at all.
It would be a deal breaker for lots of people but not for others.
It depends where your boundaries are really.

Dragongirl10 Tue 14-Jun-16 14:41:48

Oh Rag ,
l am so sorry that is horrible..but l have to say HE is HORRIBLE too..please read your post about how he has treated you and your lovely children that is unforgiveable, what sort of man ignores his own children.

He clearly does not love or care for you, so leave him or make him leave straight away, it must be so painful, but it is clear from your post there is no hope for the marriage as it is already destroyed.

He has not added anything good to your lives for a long time so you will be much happier without him, and please do not stay because of your desire for a happy family unit as it is already not there.

Focus your energy on making it as smooth as possible for your DCs, use your knowledge of a family breakup to ensure they are protected as maybe you weren't.

Your future must be much better than this. good luck and l am so sorry

suesue89 Tue 14-Jun-16 14:51:29

This made me so sad, I wish I could hug you right now. He does not deserve a woman like you. I have come from a household where my mum has done everything for us and my dad was absent majority of my life working away my mum always taught me to never be like her and to never allow a man to control your feelings. I have been married to my husband for four years and let me tell you this if he was a asshole without having an affair I would still leave him. What example will you send your children ??? Esp your daughters they will think that's how a man should be not helping you and you doing everything by yourself. Honestly sweety I know it's scary the idea of been alone but it seems like you are already alone even with him been in the house. I believe God sometimes tests us to see how we would handle certain situations (sorry if you don't believe in god lol) be grateful you have 3 beautiful heathy kids celebrate YOU as a women and minus what brings you pain. When your husband started acting like a douche bag when your daughter was born that's when you should of cut ties because you stayed with him he thinks it's ok to push boundaries and look now he has had an affair. Be strong and take care of you kick to the kerb every woman deserve more. Remember you carried his kids and went through labour and raised his kids and look after his kids and work at the same time you are amazing and if he chooses to not see that one day he will and he will realise he lost the best thing. Gather your thoughts and leave the asshole. Xx

EatsShitAndLeaves Tue 14-Jun-16 15:00:40

OP - your home is already "broken". He broke it 2 years ago when he decided to go into a long term sulk and dis-engage.

Staying and deeming yourself won't change this and it won't make your kids any happier in the long run either.

You've got more chance of kicking him back into reality by chucking him out and starting divorce proceedings.

He's neither a good father or husband - he's the cows ear not the silk purse here. The dog shit not the dogs bollocks...

Take go see a solicitor, know your rights and take back control by telling him that he won't be deciding what happens any more.

SandyY2K Tue 14-Jun-16 15:12:02

He is rewriting the situation to try and justify his behaviour.

Unfortunately, you're right about the underlying problem still being there. I suggest you lawyer up and take it from there.

Don't :

Beg or plead
Initiate talk about the future/marriage
Look sad or cry in front of him

Be civil to him
Talk about child related matters
Try and get out of the house on your own
Take care of yourself and look good

Try and do things for yourself like massage treatments
Try and have fun with your children

Seperate and sort out visitation.

The things above are to empower you and help you detach from him.

It's better to come from a broken home than live in one.

ragdollymama Tue 14-Jun-16 16:44:01

Thank you so so much everyone who has posted to take the time to help me rationalise this. It is really helping, I realise I'm in a bit of a confused state at the moment. One minute I'm furious, the next I'm weeping and wondering where I went wrong. I do know I'm not to blame for this. I was quite shocked at the strength of feeling against my husband on posts and the role model I'm being for my daughters. I think my brain is still viewing him as the funny, generous, lovely guy I married and I can't work out why that changed. But I guess that was the man who was in love with me. I can't change the fact the same man now just doesn't love me/us anymore and wants something different for his life. I just don't get that - my life wouldn't be worth living without my kids. I keep thinking he'll wake up and realise what he's throwing away and I think that's why I have been telling him he has to decide. I don't want to be the person that makes the choice for him. But you are all right in that I have to consider myself in all this too. Thank you. I will ask for help.

suesue89 Tue 14-Jun-16 17:27:41

It's so easy for us to make a judgement on your marriage but I can honesty say we don't know what your fully going through I pray everything goes easy for you, and you can only decide the end out come. If you need to talk you can always direct message me. Good luck sweety xxx

ragdollymama Sat 16-Jul-16 15:56:07

Hello, people on here have been so caring. I wanted to update you on my situation a month on. I told my H to leave; he said he didn't want that so my condition was we went for relationship counselling together. We had an intro session at Relate which got out on the table each of our perspectives but highlighted what a massive challenge this was going to be: in short I don't feel supported or loved, I think he's totally disengaged from our family, I think he needs to properly engage (you get out what you put in). He thinks I've become disinterested in him, I put all my energy and focus on our 3 DC and not on him, I need to look after him as kids will grow up and be gone one day. He said hes a good dad, will always be there if kids need him (they never go to him only me as he's so disengaged) but he can't force himself to be interested in kids when he's naturally not. We are so poles apart on this - I will not compromise my responsibility to my children as a mother in order to mother him. Anyway, Relate haven't been able to offer any follow up yet as they are so over subscribed. Two weeks after first Relate session - after which H has totally ignored me and to be honest I've been too stressed/ angry to try to talk to him properly - H got angry with me and said I'd done nothing to sort this out so he was leaving. He's been staying in hotels coming back periodically to get stuff/ wash clothes and is looking for a flat to rent. He has said he'll pay me his fair share for kids but even so I'm pretty stressed about how I'm going to manage financially. He told me to cancel our summer holiday but I've refused - its not fair on me/kids plus its too late to get any refunded anyway. I have sought counselling alone (partly to help me see a positive future and work out how I let myself become such a door mat). Kids are coping OK - two younger are fine as he ignored them anyway but 10 year old is taking it badly. Any wisdom to help me take positives much appreciated as I've been very, very down.

nowaybaby Sun 17-Jul-16 00:44:52

So sorry Ragdolly, of course you are down. He has treated you and your DC very badly and is continuing to do so. He has opted out of family life and supporting you and is criticising you for picking up his slack!
Him leaving is a good thing. With time you will be glad things came to a head and he left. He must have been miserable to live with. You need space and give him clear boundaries about coming to your house.
Have a great holiday. Your children and you deserve it.

Kallyno Sun 17-Jul-16 01:56:03

What a massive man-child he is! His beef seems to be that you now have children to love and nurture as well as him and that, quite rightly, your/his children are your first priority. It seems to have escaped his notice that you would have more time for him and more inclination to spend time with him if he did his fair share of parenting.

He is a massive entitled man-child who needs continual attention to feel OK. This is why he had an affair and why he blames and resents you for not giving him what he feels he needs and is entitled to.

You've had some good advice above, especially stuff about getting finances in order, getting visitation sorted, and taking care of yourself. I only want to reiterate that you have not failed your children at all. They were already in a broken home from when your super-needy husband decided to resent them for being your priority. Life has thrown the four of you a curve ball but now that he has gone you can begin to build a good life with you and your kids. I'm so sorry for all the crap you've been through and for the tough times ahead. Good luck flowers

Resilience16 Sun 17-Jul-16 06:15:13

Sorry you are in this situation, but at least you can say you tried.
Get some legal advice if you haven't already. Also benefits advice to see what , if anything, you are entitled to.
Take the time to explain to your ten year old that it is nothing they have done wrong. Give their school the heads up too about the situation at home so they can look out for them. School may have a mentoring programme to help them too.
Well done for looking for counselling for yourself. You sound like you have your head screwed on, and yes this is tough but you WILL get through it and better times are on the other side.
Good luck x

ravenmum Sun 17-Jul-16 07:25:54

How generous of him to support his children financially hmm but is he also planning to share other parenting duties? Get a place with enough space for the kids to stay over with him? Seeing as he didn't want to feel cut out of family life and all....

emilybrontescorset Sun 17-Jul-16 08:04:24

With regards to your eldest dd, could you speak to the school so that they are aware of the situation. Is there either a learning mentor, or a T A she is close to who can look out for her?
It might be as simple as the T A asking her to do a special job for her, or just telling her that she is always there for her if she needs a chat.

As for yourself you will be going through hell, but it will get better.
Seek legal advice. Gather your friends and family around you. Don't rely on your h, many fathers sherk their responsibility when it comes to their dc unfortunately.

ConkersDontScareSpiders Sun 17-Jul-16 08:09:45

I guess the positives are that you are now free of the stress snd demoralising task of trying to make things better with someone who wasn't trying back. There is nothing more soul destroying.And that eventually when all
This is over you can live life on your own terms and have the chance to be happy again in future. That sounds trite now when you are in it, but there are lots of people-lots of threads on here even-where people have been trough horrendous break ups, hit rock bottom, and a few years later are really very happy.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's the unraveling of the life you imagined and wanted and thought you had that's the hard bit. You need to grieve for that before you can move on kind of. But that process isn't helped by the fact that you have to still see that person (if he wants to see the kids) and interact with them at some level for the foreseeable.

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