Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support. do I leave?

(10 Posts)
FailingAtLifeRightNow Tue 14-Jun-16 13:58:38

Right well, 11 years in and I think I have had about enough. I don't really want to go into all the reasons as to why my relationship needs to end but I have reached the end of my tether and I am fed up of waiting for my partner to realise that he is 33 years old with 2 children and not a 15 year old.
Anyway that was about to lead into a rant!!
My query is..... How do I physically leave him?
We are not married. We jointly own a home. We have 2 children (7 & 5). I work part time (5 days a week school hours), he works full time. I have no savings and neither does he.
I want to separate - he wont move out (his way of trying to stop the inevitable). He says if I move out he "wont" let me take the kids. I cant anyway as I don't have a penny to my name to be able to rent anywhere. He says he would refuse to agree to sell the house.
If we continue to live in the same house - I will not be able to claim single parent tax credits as they will deem us still to be a couple so I cannot support my self and my children financially on my own. I do not earn enough to be able to get a loan to get out.
He knows I am stuck. I have no family or friends that would have room to house me and the kids for the foreseeable. So he knows that he can get a way with me being upset for whatever latest bull**it he has pulled, for a few days and then he will say sorry, wont do it again, blah blah (we both know he will) and then oh look he does! But I cant leave so he knows the worst he is getting is the silent treatment for a few days.
Feeling very, very stuck. Just cannot see a way that this is possible.
I will continually be taken the p*ss out of and made a mug of. I know I deserve better and I actually want better - for me and the kids.
Please help me with any advice or experience you may have.

Morasssassafras Tue 14-Jun-16 23:19:40

I believe it is possible to claim as a single parent if you can demonstrate to the appropriate people that you are not living together as husband and wife, so you basically stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry. Eat separately, sleep separately. Etc.

There's a website where you can check on what benefits you'd be entitled to (called entitledto I think) or cab would be able to advise. Cab may also be able to suggest a local solicitor who does half hour free advice to find out the legal position on the house and children.

Start getting your ducks in a row one at a time and you'll be free before you know it flowers

FailingAtLifeRightNow Wed 15-Jun-16 10:57:09

Thank you for your reply.
My problem is he is not being at all agreeable about the situation.
He has said that he is not willing to help me in any way and if I tell tax credits we are separated he will tell them I am lying. He has said he would not give me any money in child maintenance and would refuse to sell - can i force him to? The house is in both our names so he refuses to move out full well knowing that I cannot afford to. I cant afford to rent somewhere until the house is sold and i have the money from the sale. Why is it so hard?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Jun-16 11:04:10

Because he's making it sound hard.
It's not really that hard (hopeful)

Get to CAB and get some advice from them.
Get 3 local estate agents round to value the property.
At least find out how much equity is in the property.
If it's not a lot then cut your losses and move out and rent somewhere.
He HAS to pay child maintenance.
If we won't agree to it then you get onto CSA and they will get it on your behalf.
That way he also has to pay more.
There is a calculator HERE

Get a free half hour with a couple of local family solicitors and find out how you would get the house sold.
Start looking at rental properties.
CAB as a first stop though!

If he's being abusive in any way then get onto Womens Aid who will be able to help you.
He sounds like a complete twat!

princessmi12 Wed 15-Jun-16 11:07:30

you need to contact solicitors and try to get house occupation order or separation order .With official paperwork you can claim single parent tax credits,even if he's still in the house.

princessmi12 Wed 15-Jun-16 11:09:24

Yes, CAB would be first stop and they usually have list of solicitors that deal with these situations

ChicRock Wed 15-Jun-16 11:13:49

Go see a solicitor.

Move yourself out of the joint bedroom into the spare room. Stop doing anything for him - laundry, cooking, etc. Just see to you and the kids.

After you've taken legal advice apply for child maintenance through the CMS. Apply for single parent tax credits.

How much equity is in your house? Get a valuation from an estate agent. If there's very little then you need to cut your losses and get out.

cestlavielife Wed 15-Jun-16 11:14:47

you can force a sale. but that will cost in legal fees but find out how much from solicitor. you could represent yourself but get some advice firt.
how much equity is there? eg a lot or not much
get all the financial information you can lined up before you speak to solicitor eg how much is house worth how much equity what could you/he buy locally what could you/he rent locally?
you can rent elsewhere claim hb check with council how much

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Jun-16 11:15:02

And I echo - absolutely don't do anything for him.
So shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, tidying.... nothing.
Treat him as if he isn't even there!

FailingAtLifeRightNow Wed 15-Jun-16 11:30:10

There is probably about £40k in the house with current local values. His parents paid the £15k deposit when we bought it and it was written in contract should the house be sold that would go bakc to him and then any profits after that split.
He has said he will refuse to sell and would wait until the market dips so that only he would get his £15k back and then nothing left for me.
Yes he is a t**t. Hence me wanting to leave! Not violent, can be financially abusive (as you have prob guessed) and also verbally and emotionally.
Just had enough of putting up with this behaviour and his selfish ways.
He says I am willing to chuck away 11 years but to me its more about wasting the rest of my life with him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now