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He's changed in 2 months?(53 Posts)
Met a guy on OLD, lovely, wanted the same things as me and things are going really well.
He was very keen at the beginning to the point where I had to tell him to slow down because he wanted it to move on very fast.
We've met 6 times since then and it's like he's a different person than he was when we first started talking, he's gone from being overly keen to being extremely vague and emotionless.
Every time I try to talk about it he makes me feel small, dismisses my concerns and cuts it off very quickly.
Personality, looks, wants, likes and dislikes are everything I've been looking for but this is bothering me for some reason and I don't know what to do about it if anything, I do overthink things so perhaps I'm being silly, am I right to feel this way?
That is his personality, OP, he was just putting on a good show at the beginning to get you reeled in. It's not going to get better, though he may up his game if you walk away (don't fall for that).
if he's gone from being overly keen to being extremely vague and emotionless then it's no surprise you feel this way!
He's not making you feel good is he?
sounds like he got interested in someone else?
sorry, that sounds harsh
When you say vague and emotionless what exactly do you mean? Do you mean the time spent with him is kind of empty? Or do you mean you are trying to have a conversation about your 'relationship' and he becomes vague and emotionless?
How did you respond to him being over keen? Is it possible he's been put off because you both, currently, want different things?
We do have a good time when we're together, he lives pretty close to me so it's easy for both of us to make plans, but he can be quite abrupt and just want to do his own thing sometimes, even when we're together; overall we are laughing the majority of the time we see each other as our personalities match each others perfectly, however when I try and talk about how things are going he closes off, changes the conversation and stops me in my tracks and makes me feel like I don't have the right to ask such a thing. Whereas before it was him that was asking me where he sees our future and how I feel about him, I responded honestly which was that I do really like him and I can see us having a future together.
Those conversations stopped very abruptly and nothing had been said for over a month and that's why I brought it up so I can see where we're at in the relationship and he shuts me down when he was so keen beforehand and that's what is confusing me.
Every time I try to talk about it he makes me feel small, dismisses my concerns and cuts it off very quickly. Well, that's a deal breaker right there.
This sounds awfully like he has been reading one of those books or websites about how to ensnare a woman. I can't remember the titles. Google it. You'll find websites full of tips about when to blow hot and cold to keep her keen. These blokes know women wouldn't like the real them so they have all these crazy, but effective, tactics.
Personality, looks, wants, likes and dislikes are everything I've been looking
I thought you said he changed completely and makes you feel small. How is that your ideal personality?
He has changed completely, the relationship side of him has changed completely but when we're together we do have a good laugh, that's what I mean about his personality being what I'm looking for.
It's just the fact that he doesn't want to talk about our progression anymore when beforehand he talked about it all the time. I don't need loads of reassurance but I brought it up because he hasn't mentioned anything about it and suddenly stopped talking about it.
How can you see a future with a person you've know about two months?
If I was in his shoes, that would concern me that you could envisage a future (i.e. a life) with him after such a short amount of time. That's a turn off to a man, it says to him that you are (and I'm not saying you are) not picky about who you settle for, because don't forget he knows his own faults and flaws (which you haven't seen yet) , they may not be conducive to a relationship with you, yet without even really knowing him, you've said you can see a future with him regardless. Put yourself in those shoes. You need to value yourself enough to think, hang on, I need to know so much more about this person, regardless of the fact that he started it (the future stuff) , I need to be sensible here. I like him, I enjoy his company. But a future together two months in? I need to have a word with myself. I'll relax and enjoy it and see where it goes. We don't need to discuss this when we can just be in the moment enjoying it.
I guarantee that's his inner dialogue and I suspect the men on here will back me up on that.
Are you able to just relax and not analyse and have the need to have the dreaded "where is this going" chat? If you are, I think this will go ok, if not I think you might spoil what could in time be a good thing.
Okay I'll relax and stop over analysing.
It's confusing because at the start I was telling him to slow down and that we should take it easy, I don't want him to put a ring on my finger or anything like that at all! After him being too keen on the beginning to saying absolutely nothing just a 'looking forward to seeing you again' or 'I had a nice time' would suffice but I don't even get that anymore.
I'm not saying this is going to turn into an amazing love story I'm just saying, you enjoy it when you are together and that's amazing, take the positives from this. Yes, platitudes by text etc are nice. But having someone you click with in the flesh is worth a thousand texts. Focus on the good stuff and let him lead the pace, you said you wanted to slow down and now you have. There is more than likely nothing wrong and he's good with it. Just enjoy him.
I think you talking about progression maybe scaring him off. That's crackers. Why don't you take it date by date and reassess
"however when I try and talk about how things are going he closes off, changes the conversation "
because nobody likes talking about how their relationship is going after just a couple of months. Nobody. It's dull! You need to back off with the D&M relationship talk!
Promise yourself you won't initiate a 'relationship talk' for at least another 3 months... those little talks are surefire ways to turn a man off.
I don't think people are reading the thread properly. He is the one that was moving too fast and initiating "relationship talks" too soon and op asked him to slow down.
Now I think he is punishing you by going cold for having the audacity to try and take things at your own pace.
This man is not a keeper. This is him on his best behavior, at the start of a relationship. Imagine how he'll treat you once he feels relaxed and like he doesn't need to show you his best side.
Get out now - you've only met 6 times. This will not get better.
You have seen each other 6 times
That is not enough for someone to have "changed"!
What you are seeing is how he is. You are still getting to know him.
If you met me 6 times it could be:
1st - I'm a bit over chatty, as I'm nervous, just getting to know you, but trying to keep talking.
2nd - a bit quieter, as I'm trying to listen more (think I was over talky last time).
3rd - beginning to enjoy meeting you, and a little more like my normal (boring ) self.
4th - a bit pensive and abrupt - I've had a tough time at work but don't want to burden you with it, even though I'd still thinking about it in the back of my mind.
5th - a bit more chatty, as I think I have been a bit too quiet and dull the last couple of times.
6th - a bit distracted as I just got a phone call saying my Aunt is in hospital.
Through all of that you wouldn't have even started to know the real me - that could take 6 months or more, to even really start to know.
He may be sensitive to being corrected? (Telling him to slow down was a correction to his behavior.) If he doesn't say anything then you can't correct him.
But taken to the extreme of not saying anything at all is a demonstration of black and white thinking. <red flag
Blanking you is rude. Contempt even. This may be retaliation to your correction of his behavior; he is emotionally punishing you. <red flag
It is early days and you may want more certainty in understanding his behavior choices. In the mean time stay well emotionally detached and understand the present is now and is more relevant than projections into the future. I get that it is important to want to know what the other person is aiming for-but those things can be said without setting a hook so to speak into the other person.
That is if you want to spend time doing a clinical study of his behavior. I think you already have enough information to step away from this one without any doubts or second guessing. Only two months in and he is initiating a mind fuck strategy. Give him the silent treatment back, permanently.
A few things I noticed -
Him being full on at first was a warning. Men wanting a future with you 5 minutes in are almost always liars or unstable.
Now you want to know where you are heading - it's still very early days. 2 months in is not the time to be thinking about a future together.
You are saying he's changed - you barely know him, how can you know what he is like to say he's changed?
You are trying to force a relationship because you like his looks and likes but you are trying to ignore the fundamental incompatibility between you. That's foolish.
Being too keen, too quickly is a Red Flag, OP. It's normally a sign of 'reeling you in', making you feel special, unique and wanted. You spotted that one, so he's doing a 'cool, distant' thing now (which is probably more like his normal self), now that you've seen through that.Try enjoying it as a 'friendship' rather than a 'love affair' type thing. Then if it works out, then you have a friend as well as a lover. If not, then he's not a friend and not worth it.
I would ditch because this is a gameplaying guy. Hot and cold is classic reel-you-in shtick. Drop him. He means you no good.
Do you think it's game playing or do you think he might genuinely have no idea of balance?
I say this because if he though the OTT behavior at the start was right, he might be overly trying to reign in when he was called on it?
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