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Please someone advise/give me opinions. I dont really know where to begin!(10 Posts)
Just that really. This will be long and probably boring.
I have so much to say. I need to get it off my chest.
Ive been with my dp over 20 years. Have 3dcs. We were planning a 4th and i will explain in a bit,but that looks every more unlikely now.
Hes very different to me personality wise. Hes quiet and not a conversationalist at all. Nothing wrong with that. Im very chatty. And like to have a laugh and joke. Im not loud or over confident just a bit more sociable than him i suppose.
Im very lively with with the dcs and having fun,mucking about. He does lots with them like swimming,park cinema etc which is great,but apart from that if say he has very little patience with them.
Anyway,despite our obvious personality differences dp and i have always got on well and been happy. In some ways we are the same. Share similar values etc. Have had lots of happy times. Id also describe him(up until recently)as very tolerant.
Im quite firey at times and he would just let me rant and get on with it. In fact,at times ive probably given him a hard time and he know that i dont mean it and just taken no notice.
However over the past year or so hes really changed. Hes become very intolerant of me. To the extent,that he basically doesnt let me get away with anything so to speak. Really jumping down my throat. Its got to the stage where im watching what im saying. He still seems to pick fault -too soft with the dcs,sick of me moaning about work. i have a stressful job and sometimes when he asks how my day was i will have a little rant. Just to get it off my chest. He quickly becomes disinterested. Either tells me to let it go or seems to think my annoyance at work is directed at him and he gets very irritated.
As a consequence im starting to dislike him. Ive started to see him as a grumpy old man. Little things like the way he eats(really noisily and with his mouth open!)grate on me. The fact he constantly wears scruffy clothes at home. Aleays glued to the tv.
Ive tried speaking to him and he says im nagging and if i basically stopped 'going on' he would be fine.
Our sex life has obviously suffered as we are either bickering(although im trying hard not to get roped into that) or im anjoyed as hes bitten my head off. He doesnt make much effort anyway and doeant seem to care.
Clearly my baby plans have gone out of the window. Something that upsets me greatly. The sensible side of me thinks why would i want a baby with a man who is clearly pissed off with the responsibilties that he already has.
All this makes him sound horrible. He isnt. And basically he hass always been an easy going person. Likes a quiet life. I feel sad for the way things used to be.
Two years ago i could never have imagined feeling like this. I was justl 100% happy. Well i still am. And i do have a nice life generally.its hard to explain. All i wanted was a man who cherished me,not one that seems to find me an irritation.
Its quite funny,as anyone who knows him would say hes a decent down to earth bloke. Respectful to women. Quiet. They would probably say its me- too much hard work. Anyone who knows me would describe him as a miserable fucker.
I dont know if we have just drifted apart??
I really hope i get some responses as i havent got many people to tell in real life.
Oh and ive noticed that his mood is generally worse when the dcs are around.
Yesterday he was off work and id say he was relatively cheerful
Chatting about a forthcoming holiday,stuff like that.
When dcs came home he started losing his patience quickly. One dcdisturbed him whilst he was playing a game on his phone. And he was snappy. To be fair dc was a bit cheeky but doesnt explain a total nood change.
All this boils down to me being 'too soft'. Im not. Its just he almost picks them up on everything. I say pick your battles,but no.
Have you directly talked to him about this? Does he have any idea that you've noticed the change and that you're not happy?
If you've been happy for 20 years, the first step is to talk. Away from the house and dc's. Don't accuse him or tell him he's changed and is grumpy. Maybe start by asking how things (work, friends, life in general) are going then move on to the fact that you feel that you irritate him.
I sometimes snap when I'm stressed - when DH asked if he was annoying me I was surprised. But I felt bad about it and made sure to let him know when I'm stressed and to not take it out on him.
Hopefully he will realise he's been a bit of an arse and apologise then change. Or tell you what's on his mind.
If he tells you that actually he's fine and you're annoying then I think you have a problem.
I find if l have resentment about something against my dh everything he does drives me mad even breathing! Then when l let it go or get to the bottom of it its like he has become normal again. I'm wondering if there is a big resentment there about having another dc and that is colouring all your feelings about him and he in turn is becoming cranky and unreasonable.
It sounds like you're both as equally fed up. Talk to him. Then see what happens
One thing about your post really rang true to me OP.
When I was about to split with an ex, I was telling my friend how unhappy I was and how we were drifting apart. She asked, "Is it really annoying you now listening to him eat?" I shouted "YES!!!"
It had never crossed my mind before, but when I didn't love him any more, suddenly I heard all this munching noises I had never heard before!!! I am sure he hadn't changed, it was like the love potion had worn off and i saw/heard him as he really was.
Do you think this is what has happened with you two?
You have been together a long time and it is normal for marriages to go through bad patches. I think you describe both of your personalities and your relationship very fairly and honestly, not blaming the difficulties solely on him and not taking full responsibility yourself.
I would like to think that the two of you have a strong marriage and that this is just a phase.
How to handle it? You could try just riding it out. Make sure your life outside the marriage is full and satisfying with work and friends and family so that you are getting your emotional needs met without relying solely on him. Think about how you react when he criticises you. I have a friend who is brilliant at handling "digs". She calmly asks questions and for clarification and won't be side-tracked by evasions and exaggerations etc so that the person who has criticised her often realises that they were being unreasonable or unfair.
If you think you might need some help, or you can't bear this, I would strongly recommend relationship counselling. Better to sort things out now when the cracks are just starting to appear than wait until the marriage is completely broken.
I have asked him lots of times.mostly he will respond by saying 'im fine,you just need to stop going on'.
Sometimes it ends with us both saying we will be more tolerant,others with him blowing his top and saying its me repeating myself.
I do repeat myself. Not always when im having a go as such,but when im talking about anything.
Im finding im either being super careful what i say(cant live like that) or im waiting for a dig and im kicking off myself. I dont suffer fools gladly. Its so difficult
happypoo i really dont know. Think its possible though im loathe to admit it. I never thought id see a day when i felt like this.
hedda,thanks thats a good post. I do sometimes ask for clarification. However,it doesnt feel natural. Like im 'testing'him somehow.
I do think that my frame of mind is magnifying every issue though i cant seem to break the cycle.
I think i need to detach myself a bit. The way that you descibe hedda.
and make a bit of a little life on my own.
I really want to be one of those casual women who dont give a fuck about the bloke,which in turn makeks the man interested. Petty and childish i know.
Im really trying hard to try and be neutral but upbeat,chatty and easy going. Not get drawn into anything.
Easy on our own to be honest.
But when dc are there he quickly becomes annoyed. For example,they may not settle in bed and call for us. He gets annoyed and usually says my fault as too soft. So he manages to criticise me somehow.
In fact,hes just asked who im texting-i said im not,im on the internet. Oh yes i gathered that. He said. What are you looking at?
Nothing much,bit boring. Was my reply
He shook his head in annoyance. Like i was a kid.
He would 100% say hes fine.
I think hes always been serious and a touch grumpy. A litle bit ignorant at times. (He wpuld deny this but famiky have occasiobally commented). However,in between hes been quite lighthearted and affectionate and soft towards me.
Now,i seem to annoy him everything i say. He doesnt give me any leeway at all. .im frightened to have a little moan about anything.
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