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Husbands secrecy and lies

(16 Posts)
MeIAm Tue 14-Jun-16 09:09:23

I have absolutely no idea what to do. I have no one at all to turn to and I feel utterly lost. I'm not expecting any replies I just feel I need to get everything out somewhere.

My husband works away all week, last week a thing popped up on my fb that he'd made friends with some scantily clad woman, a few days later another one popped up with a different woman. I asked about them and all knowledge was denied, fb must've been playing up!

He has form for secretly chatting with other women, not just on fb but over the phone, I have no idea whether he's met any of these women. I suspect he has. As this type of thing nearly split us up last time (a few years ago) I rightly or wrongly logged into his email, his password had been changed the week before so I had to reset password. All emails had been deleted up until a few days ago (he had thousands before then!) there was just 4/5 in inbox and a few in trash, the rest of the trash had spam had been deleted when password changed. Long story short some of the trash ones were led me to believe there was more to it so I logged into his fb. He'd sent quite a few friend requests within the past few weeks just to women, women he doesn't know, had asked for one phone number of a woman who was apparently someone he knows wife (strange in itself as he's not friends with the man!) He'd cleared all his activity log but not the search at the top. This showed that he'd searched for sex in our hometown, one night stand/swingers etc. I asked about this and first I was the bad one for looking then he didn't know why he looked - curiosity and childishness he claimed.

During an argument about that I was told to get out of his house! I refused, we carried on arguing and it came out that he's been talking to a woman at work very regularly (no number on phone, she's never been mentioned but his phone bill shows they talk a lot!) Her number was screenshotted in his photos. I text her she claims they're just friends - I have no problem with that so why has he hidden her for 6 months?! I talk to my colleagues of both sexes, wouldn't cross my mind to hide it! He said he didn't say anything because I may get the wrong idea based on what happened a few years ago!

In between finding all these things out I asked his is there anything else. No he said. I know him, I know when he's lying and tbh I still don't trust him after last time so I knew in my heart there was more.

I don't know what to do now. I haven't slept or eaten or been to work since Saturday. It's just been constant arguing. How many times do I let him make a fool of me? We have other issues in our marriage so it's not a bolt out of the blue. Part of me thinks I should've just left him to it and pretended nothing was happening whilst switching off and sorting myself out.

I've got to do something, this can't carry on.

Redbag123 Tue 14-Jun-16 10:18:26

There's a way to recover deleted emails, can't quite remember (try google) not sure if it makes a difference though as you seem to have all the evidence you need to know he's up to no good.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 14-Jun-16 10:24:31

Look, there is no point arguing about it. He is NEVER going to admit it even though it is blindingly obvious that he is cheating on you with random women and prostitutes.

So, I agree with you that the best thing is to switch off from him, sort yourself out, get all your ducks in a row then serve the divorce papers as soon as you've got yourself ready.

To continue arguing is demeaning yourself. He is lying in the most ridiculous way. Engaging with that in any way is making a mug out of yourself. Stop talking. Start planning.

ImperialBlether Tue 14-Jun-16 10:28:29

I would accept that the relationship is over and start to plan for the future. I wouldn't sleep with him again; he could pass on something horrible. He sounds really sleazy, to be honest and you're better off away from him.

Do you work? Do you have children together? Do you have a mortgage or do you rent?

MeIAm Tue 14-Jun-16 10:33:05

Im pretty sure I know what he's up to. I'll try and restore the emails or fb messages if I can though because I'm apparently now mental! I know I'm not imagining these things. I feel so ill, my heart has been pounding for days!

MeIAm Tue 14-Jun-16 10:34:57

Thanks for your replies. Yes I work although only part time, rent our home and have teenagers.

adora1 Tue 14-Jun-16 11:22:11

Time to give up OP, your OH is a complete sleaze who enjoys making a fool and pest of himself, detach, don't be associated with him anymore, he's nothing but an embarrassment, how can you have any respect for him when he's carrying on like this, joke.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 14-Jun-16 11:30:50

Why are you going to restore the emails and fb messages?

Do you think he will say, "OK, you are not mental. I just got confused for a minute. I admit I am a total sleaze ball, I will go quietly into the night and tell everyone that you are lovely and I am a sleaze bag. Farewell my love."

Really, what will it get you? Like you said, you know you didn't imagine it, so why seek out totally watertight evidence? Are you planning a TV documentary about it? Full page newspaper ads and you've got to have the back up evidence for when he sues you for libel? What?

How many times do I let him make a fool of me? This. How about you show your teenagers that when someone behaves like this, they can leave the person even if the fucker swears blind that he didn't do anything and you are mental. Set a good example, mel even if if you haven't so far. Better late than never.

What are you afraid of?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-Jun-16 11:39:07

How many times do I let him make a fool of me?
Fool me once... and all that.
You've given him a chance already and he's royally fucked you over again and again.
I think you know what you need to do so you have a plan.
Now put that into place.
Your DH sounds like a vile sleazeball. Sorry!

MeIAm Tue 14-Jun-16 11:48:53

I completely agree with everything that everyone has said. I think hearing someone else saying it kind of confirms that I'm right (not in a haha I knew I was right way, in a I'm not blowing this out of proportion way because if I was I'm sure I'd be told!)

Your post made me laugh runrabbit I'm not actually sure what I think I'll gain from accessing deleted anything. I'm never going to find out everything and I'll end up just driving myself insane!

EarthboundMisfit Tue 14-Jun-16 11:58:21

I think you should read your posyt imagining a stranger wrote it.
You don't need more. This is enough.

SandyY2K Tue 14-Jun-16 13:14:27

He is gaslighting you.

While you're deciding what to do, I suggest you read this link.

mummytime Tue 14-Jun-16 13:44:36

You are married? Then the house is not his house, its an asset of the marriage.
Do you have children?
I'd suggest legal advice, gathering important documents and storing outside the home.
And when you are ready LTB - or kick him out - he can stay where he is during the week.
You don't need evidence - you have enough for "unreasonable behaviour". Whether he is cheating or just being a sleazeball, gather your self respect and end it.

smilingeyes11 Tue 14-Jun-16 14:39:00

bloody hell - no more digging just go find a lawyer and an sti test. He is a vile, sleazy liar and the sooner you get rid of him the better.

MeIAm Tue 14-Jun-16 15:11:09

I know. If someone else had wrote this I'd be wondering why on earth she was still there! I know that I can't just ignore it, I know that I'll never forgive it I'm not even sure that I want to. I think I'm feeling so lost because there's been no screaming or crying from me, I'm not angry, I'm not heartbroken I just feel, I don't even know, I'm feeling nothing. I know it's over and I think it's the fact that I'm not upset that's thrown me.

I'm not ready to leave my home just yet, well at any time really but certainly not anytime soon. I shouldn't have to! Im just not sure where I go from here. Ive got to sort myself out before I even think about him!

mummytime Tue 14-Jun-16 15:56:43

I'd suggest you go to a lawyer (ask friends for recommendations or shop around).
And a STI (GUM) clinic is a very good idea.
And talk to someone.

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