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Can we talk about my behaviour?

(6 Posts)
alwaysinamuddle Tue 14-Jun-16 01:30:13

I don't want to talk too much to the ether but I've made some bad mistakes (see previous relationship post and mental health post) lately and need to talk about my past experiences and my recent relationship.

I'm feeling like I finally need to make the connection between my old "normal" and reality and make some serious changes.

Would people be willing to help me without judgement (I accept constructive criticism, but not condemnation), to see a better angle?

SoleBizzz Tue 14-Jun-16 02:01:15

Can you provide more information please?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 14-Jun-16 02:37:34

What's troubling you tonight about your past experiences and recent relationship?

alwaysinamuddle Tue 14-Jun-16 03:27:26

I'm coming to see that since childhood and the abuse/rape I suffered, all of my adult relationships have been very...abusive? I do as I'm told, I'm always too scared to say no, I go along with things so as not to get hurt.
Which recently led to me having sex with my most recent ex. Even though he was in a new relationship. I was adamant at the time that had I have been sober it wouldn't have happened, but the more I think on it, the more I think I would have probably still been too scared to say no.

Everything's very confused in my head at the moment. I want to take responsibility for the things I have done wrong, but I also can't help but feel like my fears and inability to face potential conflict play a part.

Atenco Tue 14-Jun-16 03:42:05

I'm not judging. In my opinion the only good to be had in guilt is in making amends if necessary (not applicable in this example) and doing your best not to repeat the behaviour. Having done that, put the guilt behind you.

You have taken the first step towards that in trying to identify why you did it. I would say that the next step is seeing what you can do to address your "fears and inability to face potential conflict" If it is a fear of physical violence, for example, maybe you could do study some martial arts, to raise your feelings of security. Otherwise you probably might need some therapy, but I am not someone to advise you on that.

Dragongirl10 Tue 14-Jun-16 04:47:43

Hi op..l don't know what your previous threads were about but it sounds like you need some assertiveness training if such a thing exists!

Self esteem comes from valuing yourself, your feelings and needs and ensuring those are your priority not someone elses. Also working out which of your feelings are reasonable and you don't act in ways that ultimately hurt yourself further.

Before you take action on anything, try to you imagine what you would advise a daughter or good friend to do in the same situation. With their best long term interests in mind ie avoiding short term situations that will make things worse in the long term.

It sounds like you need to take a good long break from relationships and focus on building your life to make yourself happy and secure. Make a plan for what you want in every area of your life and try and make realistic small steps towards those goals. Simple things, ie your health...arrange regular excercise that makes you feel really good, get more sleep so you feel calmer etc etc. Maybe cut down on drinking for some time if it leads you into bad situations. Go to watch a film with a friend instead!

There is no man that can heal the horrible abuses you have suffered it has to come from slowly rebuilding your own self and working towards the life you want.

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