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It's like pulling teeth!(28 Posts)
I have n/c as i'm slightly embarrassed of my behaviour and also embarrassed to be crying over a man.
i have been with dp 4 years. I have dc and he doesn't. We work long hours and I altough he is fully aware i want a future with him I think it is best for now that we don't live together. He seems ok with this. Yes at times it has us both frustrated and our relationship would be easier if living together. We have an intense close relationship,emotionally and physically, but misinterpretation by phone can make a mountain over a molehill. Usually we'll sort it within a day or two and move on.
Recently we have been getting on great and this summer discussed having a holiday just by ourselves. We discussed this over the weekend and really looking forward to it. We had agreed dates that would work for both of us. Due to his line of work, it is very difficult to take time off and I have accepted this in the past. it has been last minute one night away and nothing every really planned. So I was excited at the thought of us both having 4 nights away. Today I searched and found a lovely place for us to say. I provisionally reserved it as it had the days we agreed available. I was thrilled I had found a great find. I texted dp and told him, not wanting to disturb him at work. An hour later he replied o I didn't realise you were going to book.
Immediately i felt disappointment. But he asked the dates again and exactly where it was. So i ignored his comment.
2 hours later I texted asking if he was ok with this and he replied that he wuld have a think about it.
I immediately blew up. I am not sure why, maybe it's because we rarely get time like this and both had discussed and looked forward to it. I then realised that I seem to try to organise these big things and he has to over process and hates being tied down, to time/date/place.
I rationally explained that in order to organise a holiday one has to book in advance and leaving to the last minute is disapointing. I realised that this was a bit patrionising but i wanted him to know Ihad made an effort and he had now take the enjoyment out of it. It is very disappointing when someone tells you they'll have to see. It made me feel down the list of priorities, almost like a chore/nag.
I unfortunately blew and told dp that i was sorry i had booked it and that he had made me feel like I was pressurising him and bothering him and to hear someone say they would see about the holiday after it was planned made me feel crap. I hung up from dp telling him that i wouldn't bother him again.
I know this was childish but I was so disappointed. Half the fun of a holiday is planning and organising and looking forward to it. Im the organiser in our relationship. however to have someone say, i'll see. Is the kiss of death for me.
I want to cancel the booking and tell dp to fk off for making me feel like an idiot. I am analysing our relationship and thinking surely there are men out there that would say. great babe thanks for organising where is it, must check out things to do!!
Am I a fool?
I meant to say, he had told me to look for certain dates that felt he could get time off work for those dates. So I didn't just go off and organise and then put him in a spot.
I think you were running a bit ahead of him, maybe.
He's obviously not on the same page as you. It's only been 4 years. If you feel ready to move in and he doesn't, you'll have to make a decision. He doesn't sound like a bad person to me, just scared a bit I reckon. Have any of his previous partners been high maintenance and he's comparing you to them? I know we shouldn't but, that's how we form our experiences
I'd find it frustrating in your situation - why did he bother discussing it with you and even agreeing likely dates? I have been in the same situation - I have wasted alot of time looking at holidays etc online and sending details to OH only to be met with no reply. Pisses me right off. Why does he need time to think about it - it wasn't as though it was out of the blue. You see that is what would really upset me. I don't think you were childish - you felt frustrated that he sending out mixed signals - after 4 years why is it such a big deal to him to have a few days away?? So odd!
Is this about the holiday, or is it more about the fact that after 4 years you are not living together, you always come second to his work and he acts totally unimpressed by the things you get excited about? Maybe you could do with a partner with more enthusiasm all round.
Raven makes some great points there. Are you incompatible with interests? Do you have enthusiasm for his?
thanks guys for throwing a few ideas out for me to think about. I'm really still upset this morning and haven't contacted him and I know it is going to go the stand off route and he'll say he didn't do anything wrong and I'll end up sounding like the o but it's like pulling teeth trying to get you to agree. He will in the end as usual but it has to be always this way. This time though I'm really upset, its not fair to agree, or plan, or get excited about it, only to back track and make me look like a nag, which is how i feel right now. How can you get across the point that you are disappointed in how he feels he can let me down. I'll also throw in that it's my birthday that weekend. I didn't mention this or make it into that, so yeh feeling a little let down , again.
It isn't about moving in together. I agree it's not just about this instance. We just can't physically move in together at the moment. it's practical really and no way around it at the moment. Both realise that, even though at times we'll both say how lovely and great for us it would be.
It's feeling let down that bothers me and making it look like I'm forcing all this when we both had agreed and thought it would be nice. I feel like a fool and can't express this to him without sounding like a nag.
He never went away with his previous partners.
la gatta i think if he does ask me, i'll use your phrase 'using mixed signals'. Not nice and certainly not where i thought our relationship was at this stage!
so he says it would be great to live together - sorry I don't buy this - he says it would be great to have a few days away, even agrees dates but has to think about this - a few days away is a tiny deal - living together isn't - if he is hesitating about a trip with you how will he live together? From experience, it is very easy to talk about living together or other things when there is no immediate prospect of it happening. Make him sound keen without anything changing. Problem is as regards the holiday, you took action and reserved something so he is now on the spot - frankly if someone has to think about whether they want to go away with me for a few days, then that says enough. I think it is about the whole relationship - sorry - the trip is just highlighting it.
He should have been excited and happy to spend some time away with you.
I suspect his work comes first and he needs to humour his boss/ make sure everyone at work realizes he is grudgingly dragging himself away from them/ has bigger priorities (work) than having fun...
Or he comes first and he likes you to realize (whilst pretending it is you who is to blame and a nag) that that is the case. So he might put himself out to go with you but his happiness doing what he wants normally comes first.
Does he put as much effort into the relationship as you do?
runrabbit, he does at times. it isn't consistant. that's what annoys me. that's why and when the mixed signals annoy me. he's complex at times and that is fine to understand. if he explains why to me. it is all about communication, and sometimes i get wrong end of the stick. but for someone to tell me they'd have to have a think about it after we planned. well i really felt let down and it said alot to me. I may sound mad but I'm re-evaluating my relationship now. i'd love for once to have him say, ah that's great i'm looking forward to that.
Curtain, I think he has been extremely rude, why agree and then when you do all the work say he will think about it, that's pretty deflating so I understand you re evaluating, it does sound like you are the one making all the effort and you have probably noticed this and now feel, why bother. You don't sound mad at all.
I know we're all different but I'd be royally pissed off by this incident. Which, let's face it, sounds like the culmination of lots of previous smaller 'I can't/won't' prioritise you' type of scenarios. After 4 years and lots of understanding from you re his work you've earned more consideration than that.
My blood ran cold when I read your OP. I've been seeing someone for 3+ months. He also finds it hard to take time off work, and is pretty lukewarm. I've not seen him for 2 weeks. Reading your OP was like looking into my future. Eek. I think j know what I need to do. I'm like you, OP, I feel that if you are going to do trips away and stuff, as an adult, with dc, it requires a bit of forward planning - you know, as standard.
Any way. Back to you OP. Have you heard anything from him or are you still in a 'stand off'?? Hope you're OK.
It might be that you just have different personality types. Look up Myers Briggs Type Indicator - judging and perceiving types. Describes pretty much exactly what you're talking about. I'm like your DP - I just hate being tied down or committing to anything. I just like to keep things open. I've got better over the years because I know it's totally infuriating for other people but my natural inclination is always not to commit. Maybe worth considering?
You're making all the running in this relationship. He is not giving you any encouragment, well barely, and you still persist in trying to make big plans. He actually doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything with you - if all he had to do was clear a few days off with his work and he won't even do that, then he is telling you (in a very passive aggressive way) something.
He can't be arsed. Why are you bothering with him? Doesn't sound like a holiday with him will be much fun anyway. Not only that, you sound like you already have got into a pattern where he passive-aggressively blocks stuff, you get martyred and cross and try even harder to organise stuff.
He is being deliberately incompetent over dates. You've discussed it, you've gone through the dates and a couple of days later he has to ask you again for the dates. This is bullshit. He's virtually gaslighting you it's so blatant.
I had a partner who agreed stuff and then reneged or failed to organise his life so that my/our plans were spoiled. This is not a can't situation, this is a won't situation. He won't dump you either, because he can't even be bothered to do that. Solve that problem and get rid. Good luck.
p.s. You're not mad. It is his tactics and crazy-making that are making you feel mad.
ONLY four years?? Seems like a long time to me.
Also a bit 'piss or get off the pot'. He doesn't seem to be committing to your relationship - or, indeed, committing to your happiness.
And what's embarrassing about crying over a man?
The holiday thing struck me as this is exactly what happens with DP and I.
We talk about holidays, usually weekends away and I get all excited. I love booking trips. I love comparing 3,457 identical hotels. I love choosing between destinations. I just love the whole planning bit.
Dp likes to be romantic. So he likes to go book us somewhere as a suprise.
It is lovely, and sweet and thoughtful. He chooses amazing places and lovely hotels.
But this has happened 4times. We discuss a weekend away and he texts to say hes booked it. I know its ungrateful, but it takes so much of the excitement away.
Maybe he just wanted you to do this together?
My DH IS LIKE this - drives me crackers - if I don't book organise we wouldn't go anywhere. He NEEDS everything planned in fine detail - what when where how much timings etc. Always we'll see if I spot a bargain and then funnily enough it sells out -
I think it's a personality clash. I'd happy pack a bag and get on the next flight - DH has to research in minute detail!!
He sounds like a misery. 'I'll think about it' / bollocks to that. You both thought about it, you agreed it, job done.
Maybe this one just doesn't have legs for the future, given that four years in you're not living together yet (unless DC are a reason for this).
I had a relationship like this in three years we never went on holiday as ex was incapable of planning in advance and only wanted to do last minute. I can't do last minute due to having dc so need to give about 6m notice of the dates to dc's dad (not unreasonable). However ex was perfectly capable of committing to a lot of lads jollies - stag dos, festivals, weekends away with the boys! just nothing with me! It didn't make me feel great tbh...
Just wondering if your dp is just like this with you or across the board won't make plans? It's normal to be able to make future plans and look forward to them together, nothing wrong if you decide this is something you need X
This is the price of being in a relationship with this man. He talks a good talk but when it comes down to it, he doesn't want to do the walk. This behaviour wouldn't miraculously change if you lived together and if you did, would it be compensation enough for being lower down on his priorities.
Four years is long enough for you to accept that this is who he is, the question isn't 'why is he like this?' It's 'why do I put up with it?'. Let your frustration and disappointment be a catalyst for asking yourself, 'Is hope, enough of a return for investing more of myself with this man?'
I just hate being tied down or committing to anything. I've got better over the years because I know it's totally infuriating for other people
Me, too. The second part of your statement is the important one. We're looking at a grown-up who knows this upsets other people and, in fact, hamstrings a partner's life. But doesn't care.
It's time to call curtains, curtain (sorry.) You deserve better. And you deserve to go on holidays you've booked, when you booked them.
Good luck from me too
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