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What a freaking mess.

(11 Posts)
Ffs85 Mon 13-Jun-16 23:02:04

Hi all.
Throw away account for obvious reasons. I am a 30 year old man who has been with his wife for 12 years. Married for 5. No children. Past year me and the wife have been having some big blowouts. Wife is a workaholic and has breakdowns when things get hard at work. I allways drop the lot and help as I can. I take the fact she takes her frustrations out on me. Blaming me for every tiny little thing despite the fact I become the buffer for her frustrations. Don't get me wrong I knew that about her before we married. She can get quite nasty. Telling me how unless and pathetic I am. How much I don't help when I help so much. After our massive rows she admits it's true apologises and it all goes back to normal.

That's the relationship status. The problem is this. She wants a child. I see that any problem at work or tiny bit of pressure she still goes back to this controlling guilt coping strategy. I have been with her since we were 16. I've seen her mother do exactly the same thing to her partners and I've seen how it spilt into how she treated the kids. The guilt for working so hard and her children being lazy. Just so much guilt was laid on her and her siblings. It was the reason I took her away from her family home and helped her repair her relationship with her mother. The problem is I don't think I can take that in my own family. I can't change her. I have tried to teach her how to deal with her emotions and stress bit it's allways back to the super defence and blame of those closest to her. Just like her mother. I can't bring a child into this.

Problem number two is a collegue at work. I'm having a full blown emotional affair with this unassuming girl. I'm quite a self aware person. My career depends on it. I'm pretty sure the lady feels the same way. We have both been trying to avoid each other in order to respect my wife. The chemistry is crazy. I can tell she tries to distance herself so things don't go past tipping point. I can't get this woman out of my mind. I dream of her. I cry with guilt for thinking about her in such a way. It's been at least 5 months and it hasn't passed. I've crushed before. Silly little things that have passed, like every married person. This one I can't shake.

I know my wife knows there are problems but she is far into denial. So far I think she has convinced herself that that kids and the goat farm and the house are all guaranteed. I don't want to leave her for this other woman. But it's really making me question if I should stay in this marriage.

I want to tell my "crush" that I have feelings for her and I need some space because my marriage is in trouble. I know there is a nasty part of me that also just wants to know if her feelings are the same. Should I tell her that I need to avoid her while I sort out my marriage.

I don't know if I can, or want to stay with my wife. She can't keep using me as a buffer when everything things get to much for her. Things that most people could deal with. Controlling everything and deciding my future through guilt. I still love her. As a sister or a best freind. We have been together nearly every day for 14 years after all. I don't know anything different. I don't think she does either. I want her to have what she wants but not at the expense of my pride, grinding me down until I just say yes to everything to avoid her spite.

I really hope I'm not being a massive weak willed #%@$. It's really starting to mess with my all ready fragile mental health. I need advice.

I know I will have to have the talk with my wife. And after she has finished a really important work project I will. Should I tell my crush to stay away so I can concentrate or just try and avoid for the next 3 weeks (having her roll around my head) until I can talk to my wife and see where my marriage lies.

Sorry for the essay. I just need help.


TheNaze73 Mon 13-Jun-16 23:06:23

You're not being weak willed, she's an ogre who is taking far more than she's giving. If this was flipped you'd be told to LTB.

I'd walk, children will only make her worse

LineyReborn Mon 13-Jun-16 23:12:48

We're you both 16 when you met?

kittybiscuits Mon 13-Jun-16 23:15:52

I'm quite a self aware person You're kidding, right?

Ffs85 Mon 13-Jun-16 23:21:05


Aware of oneself, including one's traits, feelings, and behaviors.

I think I covered most of that in my heart on sleeve request for help.

She was 16. I was 17

Misnomer Mon 13-Jun-16 23:50:49

You haven't asked for help in sorting out the issues in your relationship though, have you. You've set out your reasons for leaving and who you'd like to be with.

You've stated both that you rescued her from her own parents and helped her change her relationship with them but also that she can't be changed. Hose two things seem contradictory. Have you tried relationship counselling?

What is it that you like about your wife? You've not mentioned anything nice about her. She seems to mainly function as an obstacle to be overcome on your way to your new life. I don't think your heart is on your sleeve at all. Leave her if you're unhappy, and definitely before you've had children if you've one foot out the door anyway. I'm not convinced that you get to claim the moral high ground though.

Ffs85 Mon 13-Jun-16 23:59:54

I am truly struggling to find the reasons why. I did love her. Like I said I don't want to leave her for the OW. It's just the feelings I've felt between me and the OW is something I have never felt before. My wife is hard working, ambitious she has supported me financially whilst I train for my career. I am eternally gratefully for that. Thank you for your message. It gives me something to think about. I just wish I could maybe be supported emotionaly and appreciated for what I bring to the marriage. Rather than being reminded that I bring nothing whenever she becomes stressed. Again thank you for a thought out reply.

mylaststraw Tue 14-Jun-16 03:27:30

You don't want to leave her for the OW? Why do you want to let the OWknow how you feel then? So you can have your cake and eat it too? FFS man up, let your wife know how you feel and sort it out as adults. She probably feels like she is working hard without recognition too, only she's not off having an 'emotional affair'.

kittybiscuits Tue 14-Jun-16 12:04:12

I think you have made up your mind what you want but you feel guilty because your wife has supported you financially and in other ways. You are building a case against her in order to justify leaving and starting a new relationship, if the opportunity presents itself, as per your hopes. 'I cry with guilt'. Seriously. Stop being cruel and leave. Unless it's because you haven't quite got your ducks in a row yet?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-Jun-16 12:16:02

Don't leave her for the OW.
Just leave her.
You know you need to.
Get some space away from the drama.
You don't want a family with your DW, so there is no future in it.
So end it.
Then have some time alone.
Get out and about and enjoy being 30 with no ties.
Then if after a year or so you still have the same feeling with the OW you can maybe start to date.
But FGS end it with your DW first.
Move out and move on.

HazelBite Tue 14-Jun-16 12:46:28

You "got together" very young I would imagine you have grown on different directions, very few people who get together in their teens last the distance.
You do not want to have children with her
You are not happy with her
You are attracted very strongly to other women
Do yourself and her a favour and call time on the relationship, it doesn't sound very happy, and you are both young enough to start over and find some happiness.
What attracted you at 17 isn't doing it for you anymore, and probably not doing it for her either!

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