Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Relationship confusion(9 Posts)
I'm in a very confusing situation, I've been with my gf for 2 years now and after 8 months it started to go down hill the more we were commiting to eachother. As we got more comfortable around eachother I started to learn that she was very very insecure about lots of things. She checks if i still love her regularly by asking me (i tell her every single day i do but she keeps checking to the point its getting irritating being asked constantly which i told her - led to an argument)... If i dont hold her hand then she asks etc... We had a major fall out about 5 months ago and I broke up with her as she was driving me crazy with her insecurity, we were arguing every week, she would annoy me and I would do something to annoy her both not intentially.
I said I wanted time apart cause it was all too much, I'm very independent i like my own space and i like my own things, I'm happy to commit and share things and experiences but she is the opposite, she's very dependent on me and I hate I feel incredibly uncomfortable being her entire life. Me, I have friends to see, things at home to do and I make time to see my gf, all with a healthy balance. She hasn't got many friends and not much to do at her house which is where her dependency with me comes in...
After 2 days of me parting for space she was badgering me to get back with her cause she said she'll change, we have sorted some things out and it hasn't been too bad since. 2 weeks ago we had another fall out over a silly childish pointless thing, i was 15 minutes late and I was bringing supper with me, as soon as i step through the door i get the whole "What took you so long, I'm hungry" etc... which led to me getting fed up after a long day at work and rushing over to see her... I left in a huff and went for a drive.
Going back to her dependecy on me, I got a voicemail from her saying she cannot live without me and that shes going to kill herself. This is the second time she has done this, the first time i broke speed limits and nearly crashed racing round to see if she was still alive. I cannot describe how much this has hurt me, my mind is stuck in a place wondering if I can ever forgive her after she apologised for doing it, she crossed a line that night and 2 weeks on I'm bottling my feelings up and its killing me. From the outside, to her, I appear fine but its really really hurt me and I've told her that, I am starting to lose interest in wanting to be intimate with her and everything in my mind is a real mess at the moment.
I've always been happy, I think i still love her but since I've met her I have changed and not for the better i think I think I'm at my wits end, i feel like one more fall out or argument and I'm going to snap (not with the intention of harming her, i would never harm anyone!!) I hope you understand what i mean, sorry for the long essay, I just have nowhere else to turn and need advice. I can't talk to her about any of this as it immediately ends up with her crying straight away, me feeling guilty, and me apologising just to stop the argument.
Thanks, you're help is highly appreciated.
Write your feeling down and send them to her. If it doesn't help, walk away. Suicide threats over break ups etc are just a way of emotionally manipulating you. It's highly unlikely to actually happen. You're unhappy she's insecure that won't change
Next time she threatens suicide call the police and send them over.
This relationship has run its course and, instead of tiptoeing on eggshells, you should be running for the hills.
I suggest you tell her that it's over because your respective ideas of what a relationship should be are incompatible.
Be prepared for this emotionally woman to try every trick in the book to make you break your resolve. If she threatens suicide again don't rush to her home - call the police or ambulance service, tell them of the threat and they'll check her out. If you continue having sex with her for the remainder of the relationship be sure to use condoms, and if she claims she's pg by you don't believe it until you see the end product and have dna results.
This may sound harsh but it's the only way to preserve your sanity when someone else's insecurity is undermining yours.
I don't advise writing to her as she'll take every one of your reasons for splitting up and use them to make promises of change that she won't be able to keep.
A swift clean break and no contact is the only way to go as it's the only way that will serve to convince her that it's over and she'd be wasting her time trying to get you to change your mind.
I'm sure she has many wonderful qualities, but she just isn't able to have a healthy relationship with you. Her insecurities are such that you are not someone who she can have an equal and respectful relationship with: instead of being a partner, you are there to prop her extremely fragile ego. That is not sustainable. It's not fair on you, and it's ultimately fruitless.
You need to take care of yourself and end things with her. You are being sucked dry emotionally as long as you stay with her. Your first responsibility is to ensure your own wellbeing.
Her insecurities are very sad, and I hope she seeks the longterm professional help that she probably needs. You can't be the one to help her, though: she needs a professional, since she has a neurotic attitude to intimate partners (wanting them to be her emotional safety blanket).
You need to call the police next time she threatens suicide.
It is more than likely just a threat to get you back in line.
The police will warn her for wasting police time etc....
I agree you need to make a clean break.
This woman will never change.
You need to be away from her and in a healthy relationship.
This is NOT healthy at all.
Get your sanity back.
Involve 999 services if she threatens again.
Block. delete and ignore.
Thanks for all your advice, how do I approach doing this? I have never broken up properly with anyone. The fear of upsetting her holds me back, it sounds daft as I know it will hurt her badly as shes so attached to me.
The main thing I am worried about is because I cannot share anything with her because it always leads to her crying, she thinks everything is ok so it'll be a huge shock.
So confused on what to do my heads a mess at the moment!
There is NO way to end a relationship without upsetting someone. Even the most confident of people are upset by rejection! And given how insecure your girlfriend is, she will be very upset indeed.
It's unavoidable, and it's also totally ok.
All you need to tell her is "This relationship isn't working for me. I don't want us to see each other any more." You don't need to justify yourself. If you want out, you want out, and that is completely your prerogative.
Be prepared for a meltdown, though, and for her to cycle rapidly between sadness, anger, begging, threats, pretending you didn't mean it, and unwanted contact (stalking, harassment...).
Definitely have another place to live lined up before you tell her, and swiftly block her on your phone, e-mail, and social media.
Join the discussion
Please login first.