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Cousin engaged to transgenderman but her Mum doesn't know

(11 Posts)
PhotoBob2 Sun 12-Jun-16 21:59:25

Mature cousin met man online, moved him in to Aunt's house few months later. He is unemployed and does nothing around house. Family concerned as Aunty (widow) is unhappy, she pays for everything and does lion's share of cooking, cleaning, laundry. Cousin works but has never been asked to contribute to household costs (Aunty not poor and cousin works in low pay job). Searched man's name on Internet and found out about his past. Cousin did know so not hoodwinked but refuses to tell Aunt. Have agreed to say nothing as cousin says man depressed and suicidal in past. Given my Aunt is anxious knowing nothing about this man in her house is this the right thing to have done?

60sname Sun 12-Jun-16 22:02:18

What relevance does him being trans have in this scenario? The cousin and her boyfriend seem lazy and unpleasant; presumably this is the main problem for the aunt?

Cabrinha Sun 12-Jun-16 22:04:07

That he is transgendered is neither here nor there.

Focus on the issue: that he's doing fuck all in the hole which takes the piss, and that your cousin isn't paying his way if he's unable to work and pay himself.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 12-Jun-16 22:11:17

The issue isn't that he's a transman. The issue is that he does nothing around the house.

It's down to your aunt to lay down her own rules about who gets to stay in her house and how they help out. Maybe you can have a conversation with her to see how she actually feels about her sponging lodgers. If she's fine with it, then great. If she's unhappy, then tell her that she is perfectly entitled to ask for money and help with chores from them.

But the transgenderism is neither here nor there. The fact that he is sponging is.

PhotoBob2 Sun 12-Jun-16 22:19:18

I think (hope) that some of the time he has been doing little to nothing around the house is that he has been postoperative. My Aunt doesn't understand this (as she dont know). She is very unhappy about the sponging/ lack of help and has even said she is considering downsizing to force them to move out or offer to do more to help her. I tried to explain to my cousin that if she explains the background to my Aunt there would be more understanding but the man wants to keep his past a secret and got a bit heavy with me for even suggesting disclosure. If the lack of helping/contributing does not change after the transition process is complete then yes I agree they are just taking the piss.

EyefulTower Sun 12-Jun-16 22:28:13

It's really, really none of your business, any of it. Just stop.

PhotoBob2 Mon 13-Jun-16 09:04:02

When I asked this question I think I was looking for permission to leave the situation alone and wanted MN to confirm I'd done what I could but needed to leave the rest to my Aunt. My cousin knows the family think she and the boyfriend should pull their weight around the home and that we'd like them to be less secretive about the mans past. That is really all I felt the family could do. We have fears that at the wedding a friend of the groom will get merry and spill the beans (not the best way or time for my Aunt to discover anything) but we'll cross that bridge if we get to it. Thanks all for your advice I found it helpful.

corythatwas Mon 13-Jun-16 09:36:52

Being post-operative is really no reason why an elderly woman who is not his mother or his girlfriend should look after him. Your cousin and this man are taking the piss.

BombadierFritz Mon 13-Jun-16 09:41:33

Is he recently post op? (Is this ftm so top surgery only?) Unlikely i'd have thought. Depending on age of auntie this could be elder abuse and you could let social services know. The trans part is pretty irrelevant though.

Bitrustyandbusty Mon 13-Jun-16 10:15:26

So, you actively searched out his past online, confronted your cousin about it and somehow others in the family also now know..."we'd like them to be less secretive...we have fears". How did the others find out the background?

Regardless of any sponging or laziness, you appear to have way overstepped the mark, dressed up as concern for your aunt. Focus on helping your aunt solve her problem, if she would appreciate that help, and keep out of anything else!

PhotoBob2 Mon 13-Jun-16 22:07:42

That does read a bit odd doesn't it Bitrustyandbusty. Hubby and I are the we and it was more of a chat than confronting - cousin was almost relieved to be able to talk about it. Aunt is 75 BombadierFritz - marbles all there but health not as good as it once was. corythatwas - yes FTM. Thanks all, appreciate your advice.

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