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Herpes hell. DH dilemma

(73 Posts)
Pebbles16 Sun 12-Jun-16 21:14:55

Have been with DH 22 years. Only had one partner before. 10 years ago DH had an affair. It was hideous. We worked hard and got passed it but, in the meantime, he passed on herpes. He's never considered it serious as his STD nurse says "everyone has it". Well I didn't before he cheated. I was very poorly the first time, have had mild recurrences but have it again like a beast. It's horrid. Am trying to get on with things but I really can't walk or behave normally. Have mentioned to him that I think it's herpes (what with the enormous blisters and crippling pain) and he's just "well go to bed then". I don't want to scream at him that if he hadn't done what he did then I wouldn't be feeling like this. I thought I'd got past the cheating but am feeling like its the gift that keeps on fucking giving. Sorry for rant. Feeling miserable. Want to scream at him but realise that will reverse time and undo everything we've achieved. Have no idea why I'm posting apart from I need to vent a bit

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 12-Jun-16 21:19:10

Have you had any treatment?

I feel for you. It will feel like a reminder every time it happens. Is he genuinely contrite? Does he think he's helping by telling you to go to bed or is he brushing you off?

I'd be devastated if I caused pain to someone I love. Especially through an affair.

Oysterbabe Sun 12-Jun-16 21:24:19

His STD nurse said what?!

Sorry you're having to go through this sad

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass Sun 12-Jun-16 21:24:43

What exactly have you achieved though? He has given you a disease and you are not supposed to mention it? He doesn't seem bothered at all. If you cannot discuss this and if he isn't concerned about it I don't think you have gotten past the affair at all. Maybe he said what was required at the time for the mess he had created to be swept under the carpet. I'm sorry you have this to deal with....its unforgivable of him to treat it so lightly.

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Sun 12-Jun-16 21:42:36

Oh god, you poor thing. That sounds really horrid and a nasty reminder of what happened. I don't think your DH should be casual about it, even if it wasn't herpes and wasn't his fault he should be more caring about the whole thing. I think that attitude would piss me off more than anything. I didn't realise herpes was so nasty actually. I know it is very commonplace unfortunately. Are you particularly stressed atm? Just wondering if there's a reason it's flared up. Take care of yourself flowers

Fairylea Sun 12-Jun-16 21:45:56

His std nurse should be struck off if she said that ! Of course not everyone has it and it is bloody serious! It's very debilitating. Have you ever seen someone about it yourself?


WellErrr Sun 12-Jun-16 21:49:38

I doubt his STD nurse said that. I bet she said something like 'it's common' etc.

Sorry OP flowers

Have you had treatment? Does he suffer with it much?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Sun 12-Jun-16 21:51:30

Well it's not serious and lots of people do have it but that doesn't make it less unpleasant! Or the fact that he passed it to you through cheating less horrendous angry yuk. That's hard to get over.

Shadow1986 Sun 12-Jun-16 21:51:47

Poor you flowers that must be a horrible reminder of what happened and brings back all the anger and emotions. Some sympathy from him wouldn't go a miss seeing as he caused it in the first place.

I too get herpes and it's really not nice. Have you seen a doc? You can get anti viral meds that will calm it down.

You need to say something, he should at last be offering if you need anything etc. He's acting completely unfair. It's not your bloody fault the reminder of his actions has come up again.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 12-Jun-16 21:54:37

Were you present when his STD nurse said that, or was that what he told you when he was telling you he had cheated and given you herpes?

I'm wondering what exactly working hard to get over it involves. He is not falling over himself to help you when you have symptoms. He doesn't sound like he is trying hard.

Did working hard involve you not being allowed to be openly angry at him and him acting normally like nothing happened?

I'm asking because I can't see why you having a fit at him for not being more sympathetic over your physical pain caused by him, would be a massive step backwards. It would seem quite normal and to be expected to me.

nicolasixx Sun 12-Jun-16 21:55:21

I'm sorry OP, this exact thing has happened to a couple of women I know and it is truly horrendous. To hear he isn't even sympathetic is just awful. flowers I hope you get on top of it and feel better soon. I'd really have to be taking a long hard look at the whole relationship if this is symptomatic of his attitude and behaviour towards his failings and to you.

Iflyaway Sun 12-Jun-16 22:05:36

His std nurse should be struck off if she said that !

Rubbish. She told the truth. Cos she deals with STDs every day.

People really need to take care of their own health and get educated on it. For their own well-being. No shame in that especially as stuff gets more chronic the older you get.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

I would leave a man who took so little care of me then and now in the aftermath.

HopeArden Sun 12-Jun-16 22:10:48

I think I would also leave him. Forgiving an affair is one thing but he gave you an std that is a constant reminder and appears not to give a shit.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Sun 12-Jun-16 22:11:00

The nurse probably told him not to worry or feel bad about having it because it's not dangerous and it's very common. Absolutely nothing wrong with her telling that to a patient.
It's the husband who is being a twat by interpreting that as it's no big deal apparently.

Iflyaway Sun 12-Jun-16 22:12:28

Should she be struck off too if she tells you there's a strain of gonorrhea that is immune to treatment?


PumpkinPies38 Sun 12-Jun-16 22:12:55

My friend is a nurse and has seen people go through as you would imagine the most horrendous things.

She told me bad genital herpes was the worst thing she has ever seen. I won't go into what else she said about it here but you have my sympathy.

I imagine he's feeling guilty and that's why he won't speak/ offer sympathy now. That must be very very hard to forgive.

Longdistance Sun 12-Jun-16 22:14:53

Just get a frying pan, whack him in the Crown Jewels, and if he complains, tell him to go to bed.

Op flowers

Timeforabiscuit Sun 12-Jun-16 22:20:05

Fucking scream at him!!

Herpes is a fucker, it comes on when you tend to be at your lowest and just capitalises.

If he cant comprehend just how much damage hes done, and is continuing to do, then he really deserves it with both barrels.

Or itching powder in every single pair of pants he owns.

TooMuchMNTime Sun 12-Jun-16 22:24:22

the word "dilemma" in your OP - is it to leave him?

If he doesn't give a stuff that he's done this to you, that would be wise.

exWifebeginsat40 Sun 12-Jun-16 22:24:56

i am not a doctor, but aren't cold sores and genital herpes different types?

Froginapan Sun 12-Jun-16 22:25:16

I'd scream at him. His attitude towards what he has caused is bloody disgusting

Someone12 Sun 12-Jun-16 22:30:27

My DH has herpes. Not from cheating. He gets extremely nervous about giving it to me, and if I experience any symptoms similar to the description, he gets very upset and is asking me every minute how I'm feeling. I don't think he'd be able to cope with the guilt if I caught it - and he had it before we got together.

Not trying to gloat, OP, but just pointing out what the right response should be, especially considering your H cheated.

EverySongbirdSays Sun 12-Jun-16 22:31:06


I know people are sometimes too quick with LTB here. BUT. In your shoes I would have left, maybe not originally (I might have forgiven) but certainly after the first recurrence and the realisation that I was stuck with this for the rest of my life because of his lack of faithfulness to me. I couldn't cope with it. Being dismissive of a recurrence would completely get my goat, he should, frankly, be grovelling to you and pulling out all the stops. Flowers, gifts, tea and toast etc etc

Elledouble Sun 12-Jun-16 22:33:56

Isn't it HPV (almost) everyone has? Not herpes?

What a massive, herpes-ridden twat he is, OP. Horrible.

buckingfrolicks Sun 12-Jun-16 23:08:28

Utterly unforgivable response from your DH when you have a flare up. Absolutely shit.

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