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Is it the right time to LTB

(25 Posts)
user1463172942 Sun 12-Jun-16 19:53:58

Sorry. This may turn into an essay confused

Basically I met husband at 16. I had a crappy homelife, he was 22. With hindsight I just wanted a way to escape home. I left 6th form with great a levels. Left in the Friday, started a call centre job and bought a house with him on the Monday. )days of buying a house for £40k. Got a bank loan for the 5%deppsit)

We were totally skint and I got a second job in the evenings. He played football for a semi professional team and couldn't possibly do the same angry

We got in a mess financially but over the course of a few years I slogged my guts out in a sales job and turned things around until we were zctually quite comfortable. He 'retired' from football. We moved to s bigger house and decided to have a baby. When I was 16 weeks pregnant he announced that he had quit his job because he wanted to start a business (think a low level cash based business) he also signed up as the manager of s semi pro football team... Committed ties eve 6-11 thurs 6-11 sat 12 noon- 8-9pm.

Ds1 was born. He was very excited to become a dad but strangely detached. I was in hospital for 4 days after a difficult birth. He only visited once. Left everything to me etc...I was soon on my feet had everything under control and had no idea blush how different it would be with 2 kids. so 14 months later did was born. A week later I discovered, when bailiffs knocked at the door that he had run up £40k of debt gor the new business and couldn't pay it back. He basically bullied me into paying some off on my cards etc do we ended up with £20k each.

I had left my job, taking lots of Mat leave before shewas born due to a difficult pregnancy.

I signed up to a uni course to train as a teacher and started when ds1 was 2.5 and did 11 months. It was the first time I saw his controlling side, he was obsessed that I would be sleeping with all the young male students (ffs!), he always caused a big row the night before an exam. I don't know how I got through that degree with no support, struggling to pay for food / uni nursery but I did and got a bloody first! He spent my whole graduation day rolling his eyes and tutting at all the 'fuss'. He though the children were too young for me to take on a full time teaching job. Well so did I but he as earning NO money so I had too. He then decided (after 3 years of me telling him so) that he wasn't making any money. He became s taxi driver this working every weekend and evening. I reckon he still makes less than min wage .

I was starting to wise up about his behaviour when I found out I was pregnant again I strongly suspect he sabotaged the condom sad

Since then I have lurched along trying to hold things together dc3 is nearly 3.

I basically work all day at school. Come home do tea. Bath Homework and bed for 3 kids aged 3-9 and all housework. Then I start planning and marking until 12- 1 then get up at 6 and start again, I am on my own basically all weekend with 3 kids all weekend as he is at work/ football. It couldn't be any harder on my own. Could it? Most weeks he contributes £100 and thinks he's s a fucking hero. I really believe the reason he won't get. More family friendly job is because he wants to be able to duck off early for football and get out of a lot of graft with the kids. He is warm and affectionate when he's with the kids.

His decision making is awful, he refuses to open letters about unpaid bills, won't do tax returns on time. Costing us hundreds in fees. He had a conviction for driving without insurance as a policy lapsed over unpaid bills. I strongly suspect he has adhd or similar but had no interest in finding out/ getting support strategies etc. He had an Awful childhood. 1 of 9 children living in a squalid house with alcoholic parents. But now it's affecting our children's quality of life... I'm always exhausted. Ratty struggle to find energy for fun stuff etc. No money for nice stuff for them even tho on a good salarysad

Had a bit of a final straw today. I've got loss of work to do. He said he'd be back from work at 3. He turned up at 6 announcing he'd been for a quick pint. When I challenged him he said 'well I'm here now. Sorry' but his tone said ffs if u know what I mean, like I was making a fuss. Tomorrow I'll start my working week the same way as always, eyes rW from staying up into the night trying to keep up with my work. Exhausted. On the back foot.

I know I need to divorce him. Here's the question. Youngest ds is settled at his nursery but would have to move to one with longer hours. I am about to move older Dc to a new school after awful bullying. Ds1 has had an awful time, nasty bulling, dyslexia diagnosis. He's s really anxious child. They would have to do longer hours in wraparound etc. As well as finding their feet in a new school. I don't know whether to grit my teeth and wait 2 years till they are all a little older and at school together. Or is it unfair to string everyone along playing happy families knowing I'm going to divorce him.

Apologies for war and peace... That was very cathartic blush

happypoobum Sun 12-Jun-16 20:02:02

Bless you that sounds awful.

Fellow teacher here - it's a tough enough job without 3 young DC and a fuckwit partner dragging you down.

You sound absolutely fabulous - just imagine what you could achieve without him running up debt for you, causing arguments and generally being a dick.

Rip off the plaster - a phenomenal woman like you can only rise higher.

Cheapthrills Sun 12-Jun-16 20:03:11

Well I don't know how on earth you do that day in day out. It wouldn't be any harder without him would it especially as he barely contributes financially. Would he do his share of parenting if you split and lived separately? It doesnt sound as if he would.

Why don't you get advice re your finances and position re the house before you start divorce proceedings especially if you are in debt or worse, he is and you are liable. You might need some planning time if the finances are complicated.

Thisisnow16 Sun 12-Jun-16 20:05:48

Poor you - if you can stand it some times sticking it out and getting your ducks in row gives you more control in a strange way. Depends how much back up you have? Wishing you all the very best flowers

chocoLit Sun 12-Jun-16 20:06:18

Like you said yourself. It couldn't be any harder without him....

You sound amazing. Stop letting him drag you down.

mummytime Sun 12-Jun-16 20:06:54

I'd LTB. But get advice on the debts, there are free places to get advice. And do look at the help, advice and counselling you can get from you Union.

You have done brilliantly.

happypoobum Sun 12-Jun-16 20:09:43

Just to clarify, just the fuckwit partner dragging you down - not the 3 DC!!

YY to PP advising contact union.

Good luck.

rollmeover Sun 12-Jun-16 20:14:39

Honestly, your life will be soooo much easier without him. You children will adjust and if you can manage to get him to take them for an evening/day at the weekend you might even get some time off!
Best of luck, though you sound like a very strong capable woman so aim sure you won't need it!

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 12-Jun-16 20:20:36

LTB (My first ever and I've been on here years).
A weight will be lifted off your shoulders without him dragging you down.
He's a selfish prick and he resents you.
Stupid man doesn't know what he's got.
Don't feel sorry for him/make excuses for him (because of his past), get shot of him as soon as you can.
Good luck x

user1463172942 Sun 12-Jun-16 20:23:12

Such kind words... Thank you. I'm really not amazing ... I feel like I'm muddling through doing a just about enough at work and home. I often feel like I'm such a grumpy vow with the kids sad

I think I just feel really apprehensive. Even though he's an idiot the kids will be devastated.

Although possibly I'm looking for excuses, scared of change etc.

Definitely a good idea to get advice off the union. I hadn't thought of that. Will do that this week.

HoursOfFun Sun 12-Jun-16 20:26:05

OP - you sound incredibly strong and together. I would leave him. He's not adding anything positive to your life. Without him you might find things easier tbh because dealing with the selfishness much take up a lot of emotional energy.

user1463172942 Sun 12-Jun-16 20:27:54

Argh ...grumpy cow even

angryangryyoungwoman Sun 12-Jun-16 20:32:39

You sound like an amazing person. Well done on getting this far.
I would divorce him, but I'm not you.
You do not sound happy with him though. Life is short.

Buttonmoonb4tea Sun 12-Jun-16 20:45:34

You sound really strong. And you've done well to get where you are now which speaks volumes about your tenacit. If you feel the marriage is over them yes I'd LTB but it may be aswell to get your house in order first. Get debt and benefits advice, you may get help towards childcare. Kids re-adjust and there will always be a time when you won't see it as an ideal time to take the plunge. Good luck whatever you decide flowers

Buttonmoonb4tea Sun 12-Jun-16 20:46:16

*tenacity

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 12-Jun-16 20:50:57

The kids don't have to be devastated. They hardly see him because he is out so much based on your description. They might see a lot more of him when he has to do every other weekend and at least one night a week. You'll be happier and more relaxed. DS1 will be away from his school bully so he'll be feeling much happier too, perfect timing. The whole atmosphere of the house will lighten when DH is living elsewhere. You will be much less of a grumpy cow.

You ask if you should play happy families for 2 years. Your family sounds very far from happy. So, fuck that, it isn't even a real option is it?

AlwaysDancing1234 Sun 12-Jun-16 20:51:41

You sound bloody amazing. Reading your post is also resonating with me as I feel much the same (except I don't have the added job pressures that you do).
Something has to change doesn't it?

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 12-Jun-16 21:07:50

You deserve to be happy and by the sound of things he fails to contribute to this.Please don't wait a few years, do it now, in this crazy life we don't even know if we have time on our side.Your children will adapt to the new situation and ironically you'll probably have some spare time when they stay with their Dad. You are carrying a dead weight and you deserve so much more.Im in awe that you achieved a 1st with a young family, you have a successful career and are financially independent, he should be worshipping the bloody ground you walk upon.

Kittencatkins123 Sun 12-Jun-16 21:27:23

I have to agree you should just leave. He sounds completely unreliable, unsupportive, unengaged and a fucking liability. Who knows what nightmarish financial problems he could drag you into over the next two years?

You on the other hand sound utterly brilliant and I'm sure you'll do a brilliant job of managing the transition for your kids. Also I honestly think they'll be happier - think how much more time/energy/positivity/fun there will be without you having to look after a surly fuckwitted manchild too.

In short - LTB - with relish!

winecakechocolateflowers

user1463172942 Fri 17-Jun-16 16:17:39

So, last night h said he would come home early as kids off school and we'd go out to a specific place for a family day out. He just hasn't turned up.

I can't be arsed phoning him. He will make out it wasn't a firm arrangement (it was) and will minimise it. Kids have been sat here ready since lunch. Tbf they're not that bothered. They've done other stuff . And possibly just don't expect him to turn up when he says he will sad

There is just no point staying any longer than it takes to get myself sorted with legal financial advice is there?

user1463172942 Fri 17-Jun-16 16:25:15

He specifically said he'd be home at lunch time. Just to be clear.

cestlavielife Fri 17-Jun-16 16:32:23

just leave.
yes.
will be easier without having to worry about him.
and if he wants contact with dc he willl have to manage and organize himself

AnyFucker Fri 17-Jun-16 16:38:01

You sound bloody great

He sounds like a millstone around your neck

End it. Life will be easier, not harder.

adora1 Fri 17-Jun-16 16:49:45

You are amazing, he is vile = no brainer.

He's been using you for years OP, imagine what you could do without this cocklodger sponging and expecting you to bank roll him forever.

Dragongirl10 Fri 17-Jun-16 22:33:11

WOW you are impressive op.....l have never said this but LTB....l cannot understand why you even have to ask....

He is a nightmare...who is trying to drive you into the ground, kick him out.

Your Dcs will probably see him just as much once you are divorced.

Just a thought to help with finances, if you need cash help and have a spare room, consider a (carefully chosen) lodger..you can earn over 7k rent tax free and may be able to get an odd nights babysitting to help you get out for the odd night with friends, and maybe pay for a few hours cleaning.

Without your ball and chain H you will do great.

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