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Bad memories affecting relationship

(21 Posts)
C0rdelia Sun 12-Jun-16 06:07:44

From this site and further reading, I realise that I was forced to have sex for many years of my marriage. I have moved into the spare bedroom now because he wakes me up by groping me. I feel I am now punishing him for past behaviour. I work full time, he's retired and sometimes I feel like a lodger. He doesn't want to go out but gets cross if I make arrangements to go out. He's genuinely upset that I have moved out of the bedroom but memories of waking up with him having sex with me make me flinch. He can't hug me without groping so I won't hug him.

coveredinhopeandvaseline Sun 12-Jun-16 06:16:59

You poor thing. You weren't waking up to someone simply having sex with were being raped....Raped and sexually assaulted. This is abuse.

Can you leave? Have you anyone to talk to in real life?

C0rdelia Sun 12-Jun-16 06:21:48

I do go to a counsellor once a month. Since I moved to my own room, my bulimia and self harming has stopped. We had a huge argument last night and I asked him to apologise for making me have sex and he got really upset, teary. I'm being horrible and I can't stop.

ChaChaChaCh4nges Sun 12-Jun-16 06:26:43

You're not being horrible. His tears are remorseful or even real.

You're holding up a mirror to his behaviour and he doesn't like it - but he doesn't really think he's a rapist because deep down he doesn't think that you're a person of equal value and worth as himself.

And, actually, he's sort of right - you're worth a thousand of him.

LT rapist B and never look back.

ChaChaChaCh4nges Sun 12-Jun-16 06:27:10

His tears *aren't remorseful...

C0rdelia Sun 12-Jun-16 06:27:34

We went to Italy for a wedding last month. I woke up to his finger inside me. I'm starting to drink too much again. That weekend has tipped me off balance again.

MissMargie Sun 12-Jun-16 06:31:43

What a creep, why are you with him? Do you have children?

C0rdelia Sun 12-Jun-16 06:34:39

Yes, adult children and grandchildren.

MissMargie Sun 12-Jun-16 06:47:38

You need to make it clear by having a long heart to heart talk (without interruptions) exactly what you want and why you don't like what he is doing and that he must stop.

Has he changed since he retired, is it a wish to control you?
If he has no explanation and doesn't agree to change then you can decide whether you are willing to live with it or not.
You must have been together a long time so I was just wondering if it is a new thing.
But it sounds horrible and that it is making you ill.

C0rdelia Sun 12-Jun-16 06:57:22

It's not a new thing, his making me have sex. The new, or recent, thing is me going ENOUGH! I do want to leave now. Just telling him will bring on another stroke (recovered from 2). The thing is, I'm getting furious at events that happened in the 1990s! I am simmering with rage over past events. Ridiculous.

UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying Sun 12-Jun-16 07:02:42

OP I'm really really sorry you have been living with that. Do you know what you want to do? Maybe you don't and that's understandable. Its just that I had lots of advice on how to talk to my husband, how to work in things (not from MN) when I knew deep down I wanted to leave. The advice felt suffocating.

UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying Sun 12-Jun-16 07:05:44

Sorry, I type slowly, cross post.

Have you told your counsellor about it?

You should be simmering with rage. That's not ridiculous.

MissMargie Sun 12-Jun-16 08:44:33

You are simmering with rage because you weren't able to deal with the events at the time. So the rage is still there.

I would speak to a solicitor to see how things would stand if you split up.

Then it isn't some awful future event (what would he say? what will kids say? how will you leave? can you find somewhere to go? etc etc etc) which you can then think more calmly about. And start getting your ducks in a row. He sounds awful. Sod the stroke! Not your issue. He is obviously not keeping fit and healthy and doing the best he can to avoid it himself, not your problem.

Unless it is you who has had the strokes? Then I would say the best thing you can do for your health is leave.

Joysmum Sun 12-Jun-16 08:57:33

You are punishing him by sleeping apart, you're protecting yourself from rape.

Your digital rape in Italy tells you you're right to want to be away from your rapist husband. It's the only way to properly protect yourself.

loobyloo1234 Sun 12-Jun-16 08:59:56

Please read this OP ....

Joysmum Sun 12-Jun-16 09:00:15

you are *NOT punishing

Omg that's a terrible omission sad

FreeFromHarm Sun 12-Jun-16 09:26:26

Op, I am a survivor of marital rape, my x is now in a relationship with a ow who has no idea of the danger she is in, I have read your posts and the pain and distress you are going through is very serious. I advise you to seek help immediately, please, I agree with miss margie, womenaid can advise you and give you the right support to leave, if it was not for them I would not be here now.
I escaped with my dc, my X has had several women he has met online in the marital home since we left all vulnerable single parents or divorcee's he preys on them , the ow he regular sees has no idea she is seeing a rapist, because it is Rape.... You are going through so much trauma and rage which needs to be addressed. You have made the first step , so brave
My X used to come home from one of many ow he was seeing and rape me in my sleep , I know the pain and hurt you are going through . Then the next morning act as though noting had happened,

C0rdelia Sun 12-Jun-16 10:35:24

Sorry, went back to sleep. The strokes are his. He tells me he didn't force me, it's not true. But he would get angry and stamp around so I did it to keep the peace. He def did it while I was asleep.

TheNaze73 Sun 12-Jun-16 10:39:15

Tell him, you'll report him to the police. He sounds vile

FreeFromHarm Sun 12-Jun-16 11:03:04

You do not have to justify that he didnt do it , its is awful you feel like no one would believe you, I do, the finger post , just bought it home to me , do not ever feel you have to make believers of us, He is a Rapist wife or no wife xx

LumpySpacedPrincess Sun 12-Jun-16 13:31:08

His health is not your concern.

You deserve peace and happiness. Anger is good, you're right to feel it, it's justified. Ask him to leave, or leave yourself, start fresh and if anyone asks why tell them it is because he is a rapist.

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