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These are more than valid reasons to leave, aren't they?

(17 Posts)
alificent Sun 12-Jun-16 00:26:24

DP and I have been together for 7.5 years. He has two DC from previous marriage, I have one and we have three DC together. I know, deep down, that I need to leave but it is such a monumental decision. If I list my reasons here and got some feedback I thought it might help.

1. He has dipped in and out of his DCs lives since we met. He stopped seeing them for 18 months a few years ago then one day spoke to his ex and went off to see them without a word to me. He stopped seeing them again a year ago and has no plans to try to resume contact. I miss them and can't respect a man who thinks not seeing his children is an option in life.

2. None of our DC like spending time with him alone. He cannot handle more than one DC at a time and cannot do anything practical with them - I. E. Bed or bath times. He cannot discipline them or help them when they're upset. He doesn't foresee danger and is easily distracted.

3. He is sex obsessed. He told me he loved me the other day and one of the DC asked why and he said 'because I know your potential' and winked confused We have a young baby and he keeps talking about how he can't wait to get me back every night and sneak in sex during the day. Every time I stand still he tries to kiss and cuddle me and I constantly feel like I want to brush him off.

4. I don't trust him 100%. His phone is all private and he spends a lot of time on it.

5. He bores me. He has no friends, interests or hobbies. He doesn't make me laugh. We have nothing to talk about. He is never spontaneous and has never surprised me. He never ever makes decisions and leaves everything to me. He is asleep on the sofa by 10 every night when there's no sex on the agenda.

6. He does nothing at all around the house despite having lots of time off.

7. He is really tight with money. He's never bought the children birthday or Christmas presents or contributed to parties, activities, clothes or anything to do with them. I have paid for all holidays, if I didn't we'd never have one.

8. I don't like the way he treats my daughter (his SD). They have a love/hate relationship and argue a lot. She has no respect for him at all and he does nothing about it. I back him up and give him the right to parent equally but he doesn't. He is much harder on her than on our dc and can be belittling and overly physical, imo.

9. The happiest days are when he's only back for ten mins before bedtime. The kids tell him about their day and there's no time for him to upset them. On days off I feel constantly irritated by him and the kids are much much less happy. The atmosphere is tense and unhappy.

10. He pretends to family and friends that he's a really hands on dad but actually has very little happy time with them.

These are the main things. The things that have prevented me from leaving so far:

1. I wonder whether leaving means my DC no longer have a father. He stopped seeing his other DC when it wasn't made easy for him. He's said he'd find it too hard to see me and not be with me before. I don't trust that he can care for the children safely so I wouldn't make it easy but I don't know how I'd explain his disappearance to the DC.

2. Finances. I have no access to money and no family support.

I know I could cope with the DC and we'd be very happy but somethings holding me back from taking the final step. I worry my reasons for leaving aren't strong enough to remove my childrens father from their lives, possibly altogether I'd he chooses not to see them. I have tried working on things and suggesting ways to improve things. He apologises but nothing improves.

Gillywestinghaus Sun 12-Jun-16 00:33:14

On the basis of #8 alone, he has to go.

alificent Sun 12-Jun-16 00:36:28

But then when they get on well I question myself and though she complains about him a lot she also asks when I'm going to marry him and sees him as being around forever.

Dozyoldtwonk Sun 12-Jun-16 00:38:31

OP, what do you mean by overly physical (#8). This by itself is very worrying.

Bogeyface Sun 12-Jun-16 00:44:10

As far as reasons for leaving go "Because I want to" is all the validity you need.

However, based on your list frankly you need to leave for the sake of your children and if you dont then you will be doing them a huge disservice.

lavenderhoney Sun 12-Jun-16 00:56:06

You've already decided to go which based on your list is a good decision.

What's stopping you? Whose name is the house in? You're not married which frankly is a bonus in this situation.

If you are renting, when is the rental due to terminate and could you, with benefits if you don't work, stay on in your name? Have you got a nice landlord?

Do you work? I wouldn't rely on him helping financially - does he with his other family? Move far, far away if you can. He sounds a nightmare tbh. Sorry flowers

goddessofsmallthings Sun 12-Jun-16 01:13:35

I'm also asking what you mean by him being "overly physical" with your dd. How old is she?

Of course she sees him "as being around forever" as you haven't given her any reason to suppose otherwise, and she could be asking when you're going to marry him because she hopes it would divert his attention from her.

If you leave him I suspect it will be some considerable time before she discloses what she truly thinks of him as she'll be fearful that you'll return to him.

EttaJ Sun 12-Jun-16 01:26:04

I didn't even need to finish your post (but I carried on reading) before deciding you should be long gone. He clearly doesn't bring anything to your lives but misery and worry. He sounds awful. From your post it sounds like you would be happier as would the DC, if he wasn't living there.I'm sorry you're in this position OP.

alificent Mon 13-Jun-16 00:07:56

By overly physical I mean he is physical because she won't listen to him. Today, for example, he asked her to move seats at the dinner table and she refused. He kept repeating to move then eventually lifted her off the chair and onto the other. She's 9. I don't think you should have to be physical in any way to get a child to listen but I appreciate some people do. I just don't see how it's sustainable when she's a teenager!

I don't work and have nowhere to go. The house is rented in his name. The main thing stopping me is knowing that leaving means the DC losing their father because I don't trust him with them alone. He constantly doesn't have a clue about how to deal with them despite me having tried to help. He's made all of them cry today but failing to deal with situations and it just feels easier when I'm alone with them

Bogeyface Mon 13-Jun-16 00:35:06

The main thing stopping me is knowing that leaving means the DC losing their father

He is a father in law and biology only, which any man can do. He isnt a parent in all the ways that he should be. You are worried about them losing a man who you posted about saying...

None of our DC like spending time with him alone

He's never bought the children birthday or Christmas presents or contributed to parties, activities, clothes or anything to do with them.

I don't like the way he treats my daughter (his SD). They have a love/hate relationship and argue a lot. She has no respect for him at all and he does nothing about it. I back him up and give him the right to parent equally but he doesn't. He is much harder on her than on our dc and can be belittling and overly physical, imo.

The happiest days are when he's only back for ten mins before bedtime. The kids tell him about their day and there's no time for him to upset them. On days off I feel constantly irritated by him and the kids are much much less happy. The atmosphere is tense and unhappy.

* I don't trust him with them alone*

He's made all of them cry today

What exactly would they be losing if you ended your relationship with him?

it just feels easier when I'm alone with them
It doesnt just feel easier for you, but for the children too. They are already happier when he isnt around, so that happiness can only increase when he is gone for good.

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 13-Jun-16 00:36:52

Er yes. He is not a catch and you don't need the dead weight.

Bogeyface Mon 13-Jun-16 00:37:57

Oh and if they "lose" him due to the ending of your relationship then that is 100% down to him and his choices. You cant stay with a man just because if you leave then he wont see the children, you cant hold yourself hostage to his choices in that way.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 13-Jun-16 09:34:41

I wonder whether leaving means my DC no longer have a father.

They already don't have a father. He is there in body only. It will probably be less of a headfuck for the children for him to actually be gone, rather than be there, but unable to give them the attention and care that they need from a parent. That is very confusing and very damaging for children.

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 13-Jun-16 09:44:03

Is it low self-confidence holding you back? I can't see any other reason why he's not gone already, given your list.

You know he needs to go. You wrote here to say so, and you're also telling us that you're not quite ready to go through with it.

It's ok to feel overwhelmed, or powerless, or whatever emotion it is that is blocking you. Take some time, though, to understand that it is just an emotion. You can take action and you do have the power, regardless of how you feel about it. You might just have to "feel the fear and do it anyway".

OldGuard Sun 19-Jun-16 07:13:52

If you don't work and don't have access to other money he must be giving you access to money otherwise how are you paying for presents holidays etc ? Is it possible he sees that as you buying presents together ?

lifeisunjust Sun 19-Jun-16 07:29:51

Anyone who "stops seeing their children" is for me the lowest form of humanity. Why are you with him?

nicenewdusters Sun 19-Jun-16 12:35:42

Sorry OP but I he doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities.

I have a friend in a very unhappy marriage, her husband is very much like your description. He makes my skin crawl, and I know she'd like to leave him, but is weighed down by practical and financial considerations. The worst part of it is that his children no longer want to be around him. I've seen them physically shrink away from him when he comes near. It's heartbreaking. He also does the Mr Mary Poppins act.

You, and by the sound of it your children, would be better off without him. Sorry.

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