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Feeling confused, was this supportive as it didn't feel like it?

(13 Posts)
LittleMissUpset Sat 11-Jun-16 19:41:08

I'm feeling really confused by something that's happened.

I've always had low self esteem and low confidence, and recently had some counseling to help with this. It helped me see my feelings are valid and important, and they shouldn't be minimized and what I want isn't unrealistic.

My son has been struggling in school for a while, he has difficultly with his writing and concentrating, school have been very unhelpful. They don't want children with additional needs there, and have made this quite clear to several parents.

I have been getting referrals for him myself, and been going to a parents support group, and been trying to be calm and sensible in my approach, to hopefully get the best support. I think things though a lot, and try and take the right approach. We have seen some professionals who agree with me and agree that school are being very unprofessional.

I have talked to my husband a few times about how unsupportive school are, and am very upset after seeing occupational therapy who were very helpful, and said his targets set are impossible, and it's no wonder he's struggling in school.

He never backs me up, and thinks there's nothing wrong, apart from the writing. He tells me I'm over sensitive, I need to get the OT to say exactly what it is etc (which has now happened), i.e. Putting it all on me. Minimizing what I'm saying. Or just not really talking about it.

Then this week he speaks to a friend (someone involved in school) and says everything I've said! Including how school are unsupportive, but saying it's how he feels. He told me he ranted, but stands by what he said.

I asked him why he called me over sensitive when I tried to talk to him about it, and he said there's no point spending all the time worrying about it, and it shouldn't take over our lives.

I mentioned it to a friend and she said she's glad he's being supportive, but it doesn't feel like it was a supportive thing to do, and the person he told can't change anything.

I just feel very confused and something is bothering me about it.

RealityCheque Sat 11-Jun-16 19:54:46

What is the issue here?

Is it that he isn't interested and leaves it all to you?

Or is it that he has picked up the baton and also raised concerns?

Genuinely confused by your post....

coco1810 Sat 11-Jun-16 20:06:10

I think in his own way he has taken his initiative and tried to sort things for you. Of course its not the way you would have done it because you are two separate people.

Can I ask why you haven't started looking for a different school for your DC? My DS had additional learning needs and I battled for those. However, looking back the best thing would have been to look around for a more understanding school.

That's what I would do.

LittleMissUpset Sat 11-Jun-16 20:19:43

I have thought and thought about moving him, but he is adamant he wants to stay there, and only has a year left there, no other schools close enough to easily get to which makes it harder.

I think my issue is he ignores me when I try to discuss it, minimizes what I say, disagrees with me, tells me I should be doing things rather than school, but then says word for word (some very specific things) what I said, to someone else, when he has never agreed with me? And tells me I worry to much! It's just a bit conflicting I guess?

CharlotteCollins Sat 11-Jun-16 21:38:20

My XH did this when we were together. He would dismiss my worries, but then pass them off as his own thoughts to make him look good! He is a narcissist, I finally realised, so to him everything was about looking good. And he was abusive: he didn't want to be bothering with me when I had worries, because that might spoil his day!

He may not be the root of your self-esteem issues, but he is most likely exacerbating them...

CharlotteCollins Sat 11-Jun-16 21:41:34

I also totally disagree with the previous posters because he hasn't tried to help. As you said, the person he told can't do anything.

No, he is not being supportive.

ravenmum Sat 11-Jun-16 22:00:43

No, dismissing your thoughts until he sees that claiming them as his own would impress a third party is not supportive

LittleMissUpset Sat 11-Jun-16 22:40:49

Yes everything is how he looks to other people, it's not the first time he's used my words and opinions to impress others. I suspect he may be a narcissist I'm just having trouble accepting it sad everyone thinks he's a great guy!

He also takes the credit for stuff I've done to make himself look good!

CharlotteCollins Sun 12-Jun-16 09:29:18

sad Everyone thinks he's a great guy, but he lets the mask slip when he's with you.

Have a read of Alexandra Nouri. I'll get on the computer and link in a minute. If he is a narcissist, her writing will really connect. Your friend went for the charitable explanation because she hasn't known anybody like him. For years, I knew nobody who knew what my then H was really like. Reading Nouri was extremely cathartic.

CharlotteCollins Sun 12-Jun-16 09:37:07

OK, she's written a book called, "So You're In Love with a Narcissist", which is just a small book and great reading. But she's also got the first three chapters available online so you can see if you like her style.

First page

AlanPacino Sun 12-Jun-16 09:53:53

Could it be that he's in denial and further behind in coming to terms with your dc's additional needs? It's usual that one parent, usually the main care giver is more aware and that the other parent is playing catch up.

TheStoic Sun 12-Jun-16 11:04:31

Next time you discuss it with him, ask him if he'd like you to write it down for next time he wants to pass your thoughts off as his own.

LittleMissUpset Sun 12-Jun-16 19:50:17

I would think he might be in denial if he hadn't done things like this before sad

Thank you for the link, I will take a look.

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