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Marriage breakdown - any advice?

(10 Posts)
user1465668523 Sat 11-Jun-16 19:13:56

To cut a long story short, my husband moved out about 8 months ago, said we needed a break, this was completely out of the blue. After about 6 weeks he told me he was seeing someone else. We had been together for 14 years, married for 8 and have two children. When he left I was devastated, I felt like I would never feel normal again but eventually I started feeling a bit better, then he told me about the other woman and I was back to square one, completely devastated, lost lots of week didn’t sleep etc. I have always stayed strong for my children, answered their questions etc, they are very young and don’t really understand. I got stronger as the weeks and months went by although I was still devastated and missed him so much. I would still see him most days and after the initial awkwardness between us when he left, we started spending time together with the children, going on days out etc (he was still seeing the other woman all through this time). Eventually he told me he wanted to come home, he realised he had made the biggest mistake of his life, would love me forever etc He came home for about a week, it was quite literally all hearts and flowers during that time, he put his wedding ring back on (I didn’t) wanted to tell the children he was moving back (I didn’t let him) etc Then he told me he missed the OW, he said he didn’t know which one of us he wanted so after about 2 weeks of chopping and changing his mind (it was only me that knew he was doing that, OW didn’t) he eventually chose her. He told me I was the best friend he ever had and he didn’t want to lose that, I told him I wanted all or nothing. He still tries to start conversations with me about things that have nothing to do with the kids I ignore him but it’s so hard. I miss him so much, despite everything he has done. He and the OW are now getting a house together, despite the fact they have only been together 6 months and they both seem to have just been able to forget that he has been back to me during this time. I wish I could stop thinking about them and concentrate on me but it’s so difficult, I hate the fact that they get to have this happy life, while I am on my own. Anyone any experience of something similar and how you got over it or how long it took?

Hillfarmer Sat 11-Jun-16 19:29:29

Get thee to a solicitor. He has behaved like a complete arsehole. Correction: he IS an arsehole. You deserve so much better than this. You need to repeat this as a mantra? 'I deserve better than this' x10. It's not surprising that your self-esteem is on the floor, but he is a turd.

Do you have friends and family you can talk to? You need to vent, scream, slag him off, find your anger etc etc. If someone treated your best friend like this you would be utterly livid. He is a disgrace. What you are feeling is grief. A significant stage of grief is Anger. This is what you need to harness. Sorry it is so hard. But you need to be angry that he has humiliated you. Don't feel shame, feel anger. You have done nothing wrong. I feel the rage on your behalf.

Find a mate and have them round with a bottle of wine and slag him off together. He is not your friend.

HandyWoman Sat 11-Jun-16 20:18:41

What a pathetic loser he is 'I don't know which woman to choose' then placating you with 'you're the best friend I ever had blah blah' and expecting you to play ball, his boundaries are SHOT!!!! Well done for ignoring him when he stays off-topic from your dc.

All of which means this happy life you see them having 'nah-uh' it's a sham and will probably come crashing down. Or they are both idiots and therefore welcome to each other. Buying a house together after 6 months? He's an imbecile. Imagine having to grow old with a manchild.

Time to draw your own boundaries now. There is nothing over there to be envious of. Be delighted he's gone. Get thee to a solicitor.

newname99 Sat 11-Jun-16 20:33:17

How did he meet OW? Whatever they believe now in a few years the novelty will wear off. I would definitely go for a divorce as whilst he's feeling guilty it will be easier.He's being nice because you are compliant, wait til he realises you have equal power.

It's must be devastating to have your partner of years lie and cheat on you.My friend was left and 4 years down the line her ex is very unhappy, of course the ow who was the 'love of his life' isn't perfect and he's lost more than he has gained.

You will feel better but it's early days.Do you have rl support?

user1465668523 Sat 11-Jun-16 20:52:31

Thanks for all the replies. I am having counselling and have close family and friends but it just doesn't seem the same as coming home to someone everyday, I feel really lonely. I know it's early day, I have focused on making sure my girls are ok but am conscious of the fact that I need to be ok for them too.

HandyWoman Sat 11-Jun-16 20:59:24

Is he having a decent amount of contact with your dc?

Does this allow you some 'me' time?

Need to really start being kind to yourself. Small acts of kindness to you - during your 'me' time. You are doing well even though it may not feel like it.

flowers

SandyY2K Sat 11-Jun-16 21:02:44

How awful of him. I'm sorry he's done this to you. He isn't your friend and coparenting is all you need to do.

When he comes to pick your girls always look tip top and be on point. Don't let him see you look miserable.

Show him through youur actions that you're moving on even though you're in a bad place emotionally.

He can live in regret for the rest of his life, but don't let him do this to you again. You gave him a chance and he blew it.

The 180 is great in helping you detach in cases of infidelity.

beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

user1465668523 Sat 11-Jun-16 22:24:38

Again, thanks for your replies, I really appreciate them.

He sees the children most days but hasn't been having them overnight for about 6 weeks because of his living situation. That means when he does see them it's mostly at my house and of course although they are my world, I feel like I don't get a proper break to recharge, between the children and working, I feel it's never ending and am pretty much exhausted most of the time, I don't know where I would be without my parents. The children have just been introduced to the OW so that when they have their house together they can go and stay with them, and we can get some sort of proper arrangement made. She has no kids and apparently has no issue with them spending lots of time there hmm

Hillfarmer Sun 12-Jun-16 00:32:31

Hi OP,
The fact that he is seeing them 'most days' at your house means - unfortunately - that YOU are seeing him most days. This is not preferable. You could really do without that. I don't know how old your children are, but really, you need not to see him most days. You need a break from him. You need a proper schedule where he takes them out or for overnights. He can take them out instead of seeing them in your home, even if it is taking them out for pizza for a couple of hours. It is not reasonable that he has contact with them under your nose and you don't get a break. You need to re-draw this map, and say 'This isn't working for me'. Keep repeating that one...

Sleepywolf22 Sat 18-Jun-16 10:33:28

Feel free to pm me. I am going through nearly exactly the same thing. My dh left 5 months ago and has only taken both the children for 3 hours and then bought them back early. His accommodation is not suitable for having them overnight or during the day, its a shared flat so he has been seeing the kids at mine. Big mistake. He is having his cake and eating it. Found out he is lying and most probably cheating. Even when he is here the kids don't acknowledge him. He then tries to criticise what is happening in my house. Got a solicitor so have some legal advice. I like you am shattered looking after the children while he is pleasing himself and deciding what he wants. No more. Turn the tables as to what is best for you.

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