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How often do you argue with your dh?

(32 Posts)
Hurryhurryhurry Sat 11-Jun-16 18:28:50

In any sense... Bickering, sniping, full blown arguements?

Dh & I have had less than a handful of full blown arguments in 12yrs together, all of which have been since we've had dc (eldest is 7). They're usually fuelled by stress/tiredness. But...

We bicker a lot more. I don't think a day goes by without us back chatting to each other. It might be a pa comment about something the other one has said or done, or telling the other to shut up etc.
On their own they're a none issue, but as a common occurance they're starting to grate.
It happens both ways so it's not all dh.
It's like the politeness/restraint you have when with friends has disappeared with us... The relationship is very similar to the one I had with my sister as a teenager.

BolshierAryaStark Sat 11-Jun-16 19:07:12

Well I'm high maintenance a pain in the fucking arse but we don't really full blown argue often, probably bicker maybe every few weeks, DH is a sulker so can drag it out a bit but I have a mouth off then give my head a wobble & get over it. Tbh if it was every day I'd be worried.

ImRealitySoTheOthersCanFuckOff Sat 11-Jun-16 19:08:35

Never a full blown argument.

Maybe once or twice a year one of us will piss the other off and there'll be a short amount of sulking or going for a walk to clear one's head, but we've never got to the point of cross words.

Cookingongas Sat 11-Jun-16 19:15:02

We have a huge argument about once a year. Bicker two or three times a week. I'm impatient, demanding and tbh- hard to live with and he's autistic with all that brings- so it's impossible to not bicker . We are in love though. And don't abuse one another- verbally or emotionally whilst bickering. I think that is important.

maggiethemagpie Sat 11-Jun-16 19:17:10

Never a full blown argument. The odd bicker/sulk. I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times in a year we do that. )

On the one hand that's great, but on the other it's quite anxiety inducing as I will get worried that I am taking the piss, but he won't say anything, so I have to try and work out whether or not I am. (eg with housework/money etc).

Hurryhurryhurry Sat 11-Jun-16 19:17:38

I'm trying to figure out what it is that's going on. As we get on very well and enjoy eachother's company. Have lots in common and are regularly intimate.
So I'm wondering if the bickering is just from spending more time with eachother than other people... In a normal way, we're not in eachother's pockets and we do spend time away from eachother. Like siblings, or perhaps housemates would?
I can't speak for dh, but I wonder whether I should wind my neck in and let comments pass, which if the comment was made by a friend I would let it pass.

Myusernameismyusername Sat 11-Jun-16 19:20:05

I don't have a DP but I bicker with one of my DD's all the time. It is exactly like you would with a sister. My other DD doesn't do bickering or rows. I think it can be a bad habit and yes is often because we spend too much time doing nothing special - Ie, normal life, chores and such like. We don't bicker if we are having fun.

Hurryhurryhurry Sat 11-Jun-16 19:20:14

Sorry, rushed typing and half concentration due to dc and cooking smile

Hurryhurryhurry Sat 11-Jun-16 19:22:33

That is exactly like my dm and my dsis myusername but they spend way more time together than I do with either of them, so I no longer bicker with them like I did when I was a teenager.
It is exactly what me and dh are like.
Neither of us are sulkers

Hurryhurryhurry Sat 11-Jun-16 19:24:08

Maybe it is a bad habit. That would make sense! His dp are bickerers too. They've lived in eachother's pockets for 60 years!

Trick is, is how to break it confused

feckity Sat 11-Jun-16 19:25:59

We never bicker or snipe. I grew up with parents whose main mode of communication was passive aggressive sniping and I will never be like that.

We do argue, but quite rarely. Arguments only happen when there's an issue to be resolved, it can get heated but always ends with sorting whatever it was out, apologies and kindness.

HeffalumpHistory Sat 11-Jun-16 19:27:55

Bicker maybe once a week (averaged) Nothing much.
In our 6 years together we've had I think 3 proper arguments. He is also away a lot though.
I can be really hard work/he can be lazy or thoughtless at times. Neither of us do it on purpose I don't think

Hurryhurryhurry Sat 11-Jun-16 19:32:19

That's another worry feckity I wouldn't want dc (6&2) the grow up around constant bickering. But to be fair we do generally have a good family life going on.

Hurryhurryhurry Sat 11-Jun-16 19:33:38

My dh works away, one month away one month home. So we miss eachother lots when he's not here. But we do probably spend way more time together than most couples when he's home as he is completely off work for 4 weeks and I am a sahm.

daisydalrymple Sat 11-Jun-16 19:36:46

Hi op, this is how me and DH started off, a couple of years into being parents. It continued, got worse, add a miscarriage and caring for an elderly parent with advanced Alzheimer's into the mix and we're now just about coming through the other end of making it work having got to the breaking up discussion. One day I stopped being angry with him, realised just how much I love him and wished with all my heart I could have let all the early bickering go by, not bite back, explain rather than snap, not take him for granted.

I think it's something we slip into sometimes if life is busy and we just have to function, and I think it's great you've recognised this now and you're lucky you can change it before it becomes a bigger problem.

If you think it's at a stage where it needs a discussion and a 'hey, you know what, I love you, let's not waste time snapping at each other anymore, when we're both tired and trying to do our best' then do it, alternatively, just make a conscious decision not to snap / answer back if he does, and try turn things round into a positive. (Although if he is really fed up, then not that annoying chirpy positive grin )

I wish you the best of luck! - I'm not trying to say for one minute you would end up where we've been, but it's so easy to carry on as we are and not prioritise each other. (Our dcs are 9, 7 and 19mo).

feckity Sat 11-Jun-16 19:36:59

It's possibly the contrast between month away/month home too. It must be hard making the adjustment so frequently.

feckity Sat 11-Jun-16 19:40:11

If there was one thing I could have got my parents to do, it would be to assume the best, not the worst. Almost all of their sniping started from misunderstandings, where one would assume the other was having a go when it was really an innocuous comment that they had misinterpreted.

Myusernameismyusername Sat 11-Jun-16 19:40:36

You can break it. I usually do with humour. There was another thread about teasing and people thought I was mean for really teasing DD with humour but it so works and really diffuses the bickering. So when we are a bit fed up with each other I will crack a joke or call her one of our pet phrases and basically what DD calls 'banta' haha

sunnydayinmay Sat 11-Jun-16 19:45:21

Rarely full arguments, and those end in us laughing because we basically have the same six or so arguments, which follow a script.

Bickering - probably hourly. I've just snapped at Dh and told him I don't want to hear anymore about the EU referendum.

If you knew him, you'd realise why! He is fun, and I love him to bits, but he is very very full on.

crunchymommy Sat 11-Jun-16 19:50:03

5 years in and not a single argument. I fish for arguments to clear the air sometimes but he never ever bites. Just apologises even if he's done nothing wrong and then makes me laugh. I wouldn't have it any other way. How sickly are we? grin

Dachshund Sat 11-Jun-16 19:53:48

Big blow out arguments maybe once every 2 years and always at times of huge stress.

Prior to this thread id say we bicker all day every day but it's not PA as you suggest so instead I'll say there's a lot of banter which sometimes goes too far and results in a bit of a sulk.

I'm extremely hig maintenance - DP has the patience of a saint!

Hurryhurryhurry Sat 11-Jun-16 19:56:15

Thanks daisy really helpful. I think if it carries on then we will be wanting to split. As it is now we want to be together. But I want to stop the bickering.

I think I find it harder than dh fickety esp when he 1st comes home.

It's when he comments on my parenting, it'll be so trivial such as at dinner time I'll put plates down on table and he'll ask me if dd's is cool enough... That's when I'll snipe at him.
I know he's only making sure but I'll tell him that I seem to be able to do it when he's not here, so why any different now! It's me being over sensitive, but he says lots of little quite patronising comments like this, but I don't think he realises how patronising they are.

Thanks myuser I reckon humour would help. Alot!

feckity Sat 11-Jun-16 20:15:00

I was definitely thinking of you when I said it must be hard! I know a couple where her DH works away during the week and only comes home at the weekend. When we see them together he often questions/challenges her on how she does stuff with the kids and it irritates me so I don't know how copes with it without snapping at him.

I can see he (and your DH) are just trying to have input into their kids lives, but it has to be done with respect to how you manage things without him while he's away.

And for you, going backwards and forwards from month to month, having to be fully autonomous, only adult, in charge of all, to having to take into account another adult's opinions and wishes, well, I can see how that would be difficult.

daisydalrymple Sat 11-Jun-16 20:18:13

Yes I probably used to snap at comments similar to your plate one. I saw that DH was feeling like an outsider though, as he has a long commute so is out 12-13 hrs a day and often away over night. He felt we just got on with it without him. Well yes, we have to, but I realised we're a team! We're on the same side and I was responding like we were competing with each other for goodness sake! (Not suggesting you are mind you). So now I try and say yes thanks, it's ok with a grateful smile etc.

Hurryhurryhurry Sat 11-Jun-16 20:46:54

No, daisy Your situation sounds very similar. Funnily though, I've only now realised, from your experiences, that that is what is going on. Thank you

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