Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

LO father put me in impossible predicament

(69 Posts)
isobel79 Sat 11-Jun-16 18:20:04

Hi all
just need to vent.
so I get pregnant in august last year for a Nigerian man. Assuming that all is OK and that he is allowed to stay and work in this country he tells me in January of this year that he isn't allowed to work. I was so pissed off. LO is born March. I tell father I ain't putting him on any legal documents which I didn't. I just didn't feel right and my gut was telling me something wasn't right.

Anyway he comes to me three weeks ago saying he needs help and that his lawyer says his name needs to go on birth certificate. I said I want to see all his paperwork.

Today he comes with his paperwork and I find out he is married to an eu lady by proxy. U can imagine my disbelief. I had no idea. I find out he isn't meant to be in the UK as of July last year.

So the man who I thought was genuine is a fraud. Only good thing to come out of this is LO.

I am not going to help him. Why should I feel pressured to help him. Is LO his last resort. I'm not going to lie for him. Why didn't he come to me with this when I first told him I was pregnant. He leaves it till nearly 12 months later.

Whats the general consensus? What would you mom's do?

I'm sooooooooooooo betrayed!!!!

Thanks

TheNaze73 Sat 11-Jun-16 18:23:26

There are no words

pieceofpurplesky Sat 11-Jun-16 18:25:02

biscuit

PortiaCastis Sat 11-Jun-16 18:26:48

hmm

Lelloteddy Sat 11-Jun-16 18:28:07

What does LO mean please?

QuiteLikely5 Sat 11-Jun-16 18:28:29

I would do as you were and not assist him in any way

I might suggest otherwise if you said he was a doting father but he appears to have used you in order to get permission to remain in the country

PortiaCastis Sat 11-Jun-16 18:28:29

Little one

DelphiniumBlue Sat 11-Jun-16 18:31:40

Not only a fraud, but a liar. You can't be married by proxy under UK law, or EU law, as far as I know.
Is he referring to a proxy marriage made outside the EU? I'm not convinced that would be recognised here.
My understanding is that as he has overstayed, any application would have to be made from outside the UK, in order for it to be considered.
Ther whole thing sounds very dodgy, with the added complication that if you do add him onto your child' s birth certificate ( which is difficult if they have already been registered, then he many well acquire rights over the baby, which could include being able to take the baby abroad in future.
I wouldn't do anything in your situation, and certainly don't lie for him!

Hissy Sat 11-Jun-16 18:31:42

Yeah, deny all knowledge of him wrt your dc. He definitely did that on purpose. He can go and live with his wife, right?

AyeAmarok Sat 11-Jun-16 18:45:06

Is he involved with your child? Does he see her regularly?

isobel79 Sat 11-Jun-16 18:48:35

Thanks all
It's funny because the first time I went to register LO I had a gut feeling not to add him to LO BC. I told him this and he seemed fine yet once we got to the registrar's office he kicked up a fuss so wasnt able to register him on that day.

So I went back and registered LO on my own. He is definitely not on the BC and I am soooooo glad I followed my instincts.

I don't know what by proxy means but apparently the home office weren't convinced and when they asked to interview the "couple" the woman refused to attend !!! Again I only found this out today.

I can see now why he made such a big fuss on the day when I went to register LO. He even threatened me saying he would take me to court. All now I haven't been "summoned".

He still comes down to see LO but I definitely don't trust his intentions anymore. I said to him even though motherhood is hard I have a supporting family and good friends.

isobel79 Sat 11-Jun-16 18:56:20

He comes every other weekend because he has to "work" but remember he ain't meant to be working in the UK. He buys clothes sometimes. He doesn't give me money and I'm so glad because there is no evidence to say he is supporting a child. Yet even if there was he would have to explain where he gets his money from o and plus they don't know where he lives. The address where i Used to visit him at was apparently in the "wife's" name. Yet he told me he left because the landlord wouldn't do any repairs.

SoUnsureMaybe Sat 11-Jun-16 19:16:00

What he'll be trying to do is to prove he has a reason to stay. It's called "Right To Family Life" if they have family over here or children born here they can get a visa that way.
My partner did a very similar thing to what yours has done. He was going through a case when I met him but it was through an ex of his. But it was refused, and by this point I was pregnant with our LO. So after LO was born he did his forms for "Right To Family Life", and got accepted.
I wonder all the time if that was his intention all along but I have two LOs now and I wouldn't change a thing.
But in your case being lied to, it's a big ask of you. XxX

isobel79 Sat 11-Jun-16 19:26:15

Thanks SoUnsureMaybe

If he had told me from the moment I told him I was pregnant then fair enough but he tells me today nearly one-year after my pregnancy and LO is just over three months. So I now wonder if if putting his name on the BC is his way of staying!!! Is it now a last resort?

SoUnsureMaybe Sat 11-Jun-16 19:35:21

I would say it's a definite last resort. There won't be another way, if he's been refused it's very difficult after that. That's why he'll want his name put on the BC. He'll also be asked to get 3 months worth of proof that he's paying maintenance to you and will ask to have an agreement drawn up with you that says he has half/half decision making over the child's medical and school decisions.
In your situation I'm not sure I would have allowed that, but my Partner (Nigerian also) was honest from the get go. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation.

ThePinkOcelot Sat 11-Jun-16 19:47:26

Jesus wept!!!!!

isobel79 Sat 11-Jun-16 20:04:57

Thanks if he was honest from the start I would have considered helping him but nearly a year later ........ that is ridiculous and too much too late

isobel79 Sat 11-Jun-16 20:06:51

SoUnsureMaybe I'm glad your situation worked with your partner and he was honest with you from the beginning. Do u think if you found out much later would u have helped him?

pallasathena Sat 11-Jun-16 20:08:03

You weren't born yesterday were you?

SoUnsureMaybe Sat 11-Jun-16 20:18:33

I would definitely been more cautious of it tbh. I would have demanded to go with him to his solicitor to hear all the facts. I went with my partner, for piece of mind.
My thoughts were always "what would happen if he had to return and my LO wouldn't be able to form a relationship with his father". I didn't want to be part of the reason his father wasn't here.
I definitely would make sure you know and understand everything before you make your decision Hun. If he's using your LO as an excuse instead of an inspiration to stay then I would have refused personally. XxX

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Sat 11-Jun-16 20:34:21

Glad everyone has this child's best interests at heart.

biscuit

SandyY2K Sat 11-Jun-16 20:39:31

I imagine it was a marriage of convenience and immigration smelt a rat.

Do not trust him one bit. I've come across this type of character and very often they have a family back in Nigeria.

My friend was engaged to a Nigerian guy until she snooped and found evidence of his wife and kids back home. I've had way too much in the way of stories and witnessed arrests at the point of marriage, because it was all fake.

How long had you known him before getting pregnant?

Catinthecorner Sat 11-Jun-16 20:40:52

In your situation I think I'd be remembering a one night stand with a stranger right around the time of conception. He's not supporting you either way.

Iknownuffink Sat 11-Jun-16 20:48:14

"I got pregnant for a Nigerian man."

Did he pay you?

isobel79 Sat 11-Jun-16 20:59:40

Sadly I knew him for a month and then fell pregnant of corse I'm not best pleased that's the way it happened but I consider my LO a blessing especially as I lost a child 10 years ago at 18 weeks gestation.

I have said to him that if he have said something from the day I told him I was pregnant things would have been different . To tell me when it looks like he's desperate to stay and to demand his name on my LO BC is another thing. Also I said to him just if his name was on LO BC from the day he was registered would he have told me all of this stuff and he said NO!!!!shock

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now