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Finally found evidence of dp cheating

(52 Posts)
Tealeaf321 Sat 11-Jun-16 16:42:02

Been together 10 years and last night found he has been having an affair for 6 months+. Ow is also married.
I'm just so numb right now, I've had feelings about him cheating before but could never find the evidence/ he could talk his way out of whatever so it was always put to the back of my mind but today I've had at least this ow confirmed.
I know I need to ltb, but I'm over half way through our first pregnancy (don't want to out myself) and totally in love with him.
Ow knows I'm pregnant and has kids herself so knows how difficult pregnancy can get. How can a woman do this to another woman? How can my dp that I love so much and would do anything for do this to me? My whole plan for a family life is ruined forever, as is a happy experience of having my first baby.
I just don't know what to do I'm so numb and heartbroken at the same time.
Has anyone been through this as I really need a hand hold.

biddleyboo Sat 11-Jun-16 16:52:18

Tealeaf wineflowers I wish I had some words of advice, but the best I can offer is wine and flowers and the knowledge that someone with wise words will be along shortly. They are never very far away on here.

TheNaze73 Sat 11-Jun-16 17:10:43

I do feel for you OP. Your anger however should be directed at your cheating partner and not the OW. That's for her husband. He's a bloody idiot & must know that.

juicee13 Sat 11-Jun-16 17:24:45

I know it's easy to say but I wouldn't stay with him. It's not like it was a one night stand, it's a 6 month affair that clearly began while you were planning on starting/expanding your family. To me it's the worst kind of betrayal whilst you're pregnant. Where's the respect?

juicee13 Sat 11-Jun-16 17:25:08

I am so sorry btw x

Tiredofsummer Sat 11-Jun-16 17:26:39

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been through very similar although found out I was pregnant around a week after I ltb I got through it and so will you although I imagine finding out whilst pregnant must be worse. Someone with practical advise will be along soon flowers

Only1scoop Sat 11-Jun-16 17:28:02

So sorry Op

It's your DP that has loyalties to you. He is a despicable creature. To have been cheating for the whole of your pregnancy.

He isn't who you thought he is

You will get through this.

You and DC are your primary concern. Do you own your home together?

Marilynsbigsister Sat 11-Jun-16 17:30:56

Can I just ask. You say you've been together ten years and expecting first child so assuming you are married. Is this the case ? You say you have suspected this for a while ? How long have you suspected he is cheating for ? Did he want a baby too ? (Be really honest here, did he plan a baby or have you decided to get pregnant when you suspected him cheating) .. What you do next will have a lot to do with finances. Are you working. Do you have savings ? Sorry for the 3rd degree but you have to put on your hard hat and make some very big decisions.

SandyY2K Sat 11-Jun-16 17:32:45

Sorry about this.

I think cheating on a pregnant wife is one of the lowest things going.

He was cheating before you got pregnant. He could have put you and your first child at risk of diseases. He'll be in the labour ward maybe having just had a romp with his married lover.

Is this the life you want for yourself?
The man you love is a cheater.

I'm going to PM you a useful link.

EveryoneElsesMumSaidYes Sat 11-Jun-16 17:40:21

Oh TeaLeaf that's just awful. I'm so sorry flowers
I know it doesn't feel like it now but the OW is not your concern. It is your husband who destroyed your family and altered your future. Do beg him to stay, he's not worth it.
Is he still living with you now?
You need to contact a solicitor or womens aid to get practical support
What support do you have in real life?
Things are likely to get messy and don't be suprise if he starts playing dirty.
You will get lots of support and advise here.

revealall Sat 11-Jun-16 18:00:50

I disagree with the others saying you shouldn't be angry with the OW. How she deals with you now knowing will have a big impact on how your partner behaves. Be prepared to feel very angry/upset.

You can do nothing about their relationship. Concentrate on you and your children and think in terms of being single.

Tealeaf321 Sat 11-Jun-16 18:01:42

This is definatly not the life I want for myself.
It doesnt feel like this is happeneing to me.
Not married and we rent. Both work full time but just can't afford to live here alone, rent not expensive in fact it's well below average but I'm on minimum wage and not sure if I am entitled to any benefit help as I still have a good 3 months of pregnancy to get through so not sure i can be practical about this right now? Maybe a few hundred in savings which I was planning on putting towards pram/ baby furniture ect. We planned this baby together for a couple of years, we were relaxed about ttc but took us a year nearly it is definatly a much wanted and loved baby by us both- even now I am certain he loves and wants this baby more than anything and although I'm pregnant have to keep in mind he didn't cheat on our baby, he cheated on me. I have suspected speaking to other women on and off our entire relationship but because I've never found evidence or didn't want to it just got pushed to the back of my mind, i know how ridiculous i look now i have written this all down, why would i try a baby with someone like this? Because i love him and thought even if he has i could do this alone, now im pregnant though ive realised being alone parent isnt what i want at all. He is begging for forgiveness and saying how sorry he is and it's exactly what I want to hear im so afraid I'm going to crumble and forgive him too easily sad

Tealeaf321 Sat 11-Jun-16 18:13:16

Ow is married herself so I'm also afraid shes not coming clean about everything, I need to know everything and I don't think I even do yet.

Sparklesilverglitter Sat 11-Jun-16 18:23:43

flowers I'm always sad to hear these things. You should be angry at both the ow & dp it takes 2 to cheat!
I don't have any advice I wish I did. sad

I am pregnant (due in August) me& dh decided ttc together and now after 17 years together I've asked him to leave because his been vile about the baby and doesn't wait it.
I think some men are just pigs and no matter how long you've known them they still let you down.

Sparklesilverglitter Sat 11-Jun-16 18:24:25

Sorry for my little rant about me OP

Tealeaf321 Sat 11-Jun-16 18:29:05

That's ok sparkles.
Thanks for the link sandy, I can't believe I'm looking on websites about cheating partners when I should be looking on websites with him for prams!
How is this MY life?

FuzzyOwl Sat 11-Jun-16 18:30:27

So sorry to hear this OP. Perhaps take this time to get paperwork and things in order whilst having a think about what you want and what your finances will be. You have the proof so you can postpone confronting him if you need/want to.

Shakey15000 Sat 11-Jun-16 18:33:18

Sorry to hear this. It's your life at the moment What you do next will determine how the rest may be.

I couldn't stay tbh.

Lunar1 Sat 11-Jun-16 18:36:55

Really sorry you are going through this. Your feelings are yours and nobody gets to dictate to you how you should feel. If you want to be pissed at the ow as well as your H you are more than entitled. Don't let anyone make you feel your feelings aren't valid.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 11-Jun-16 18:37:39

Well isn't he lovely - I couldn't get past it, and I think you need to seriously consider everything before you 'crumble'

He has been cheating and lying to you for all this time, while ttc, absolutely unforgivable in my book

DiggerMum Sat 11-Jun-16 18:38:21

I can't imagine jow you're feeling right now tealeaf321 but my only advice would give yourself some space. Ask him to leave for a bit and let yourself process this and think about what you want next.

LauderSyme Sat 11-Jun-16 19:55:05

I'm so sorry OP, how awful for you.
I know your trust in him is destroyed right now, but if he really is remorseful and you really do love him, I don't think it would be shameful of you to stay with him and try to rebuild your relationship. Or at least not to make any hasty decisions. You essentially said you do trust him to be a good father and that's priceless.
I'm a single mum and love being one but it's not easy, especially financially. I sometimes feel heartbroken by how my ds's opportunities are limited by my low disposable income, even though I work full time.
If you decide to ask dp to leave while you stay in your rented home, you probably won't qualify for any housing benefit while still earning full time minimum wage (or equivalent, eg. SMP). But you may qualify for some money towards your rent if your income falls whilst still pregnant, and you will definitely be entitled once baby arrives. Ask your local council.
As a single parent you could claim income support, child tax credits, child benefit, maximum housing benefit and some help towards council tax. It's tight but possible; decent child maintenance makes a big difference.
If you stay with dp and he earns a low wage himself after you've had the baby, you may qualify for some housing benefit as a family, as well as child and working tax credits.
Sorry for boring petty details when I know it's about so much more than money, but just wanted to reassure you the finances are doable, having panicked through it myself.
Wishing you a heartfelt all the best whatever you choose to do.

SandyY2K Sat 11-Jun-16 20:49:47

Your welcome.

I know it's awful, but reading that site you'll see you aren't alone sadly. It's really invaluable and a truly remorseful DP will also find it very useful.

Cheating and the high from an affair is addictive. Cheaters don't usually stop when they're caught. They go low contact or no contact for a while and they start up again.

They have many ways to deceive you. If you have a serial cheat on your hands, it won't ever end. I see people who were cheated on from the day they got married. I see some who only discover it after the death of their spouse. It's really soul destroying.

You need to know what you're dealing with here. I fear your easy forgiveness will pave the way for more of the same.

sleeponeday Sat 11-Jun-16 22:41:13

Just so you know what your options are: www.entitledto.co.uk is an online calculator that will show you what help is available via benefits. Bear in mind that while on maternity leave you are considered as working, so the tax credits on top of SMP will reflect that. It will also let you know what housing benefit help is available, and when you go back to work how much help is available to defray childcare expenses.

The CSA is defunct and the new service is Child Maintenance Options. They have a calculator here which will tell you how much child support he would have to pay if you split up. That money is on top of benefits - they disregard it when calculating state help so it wouldn't affect your benefit entitlement at all.

I think having the info is always handy, whatever you decide to do.

SandyY2K Sun 12-Jun-16 01:35:31

Your anger however should be directed at your cheating partner and not the OW.

Actually you can direct your anger where you want to. You can direct your anger at both of them and the OW should expect your anger.

The problem in society is that OWs think because they haven't made vows to the BS they owe her nothing. If they were held accountable and made to face consequences there'd be a deterrent in the future.

You don't get to be part of messing up another woman's life and expect to get off scot free.

I just couldn't forgive being cheated on while pregnant. Knowing that for your entire pregnancy he was with someone else... is a very bitter pill to swallow.

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