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Is this fair?

(27 Posts)
Justmusing Sat 11-Jun-16 14:46:59

Bit of a personal question but have to ask!

My partner and i are both self employed, my partner earns approx 4 - 6 x more than me per week. We have alot of outgoings. Partner insists that all the bills ie rent, loans and CC should all be paid equally every month down the middle, i am really struggling to pay this amount every month. Being self employed i make enough money to cover my materials each month and have around £100 per week as earnings. Being self employed is good for me as it fits around the kids and i can do it from home. Its getting busier all the time and still has loads of potential. Partner earns alot more from me and has alot of spends which he invests back into his business if he wishes. We have fairly large outgoings each month with rent, the car and a couple of small loans/cc. He insists that everything is split down the middle and i have to pay 50/50 which is crippling me, i have to take money out my business, money i need for materials for orders i have taken, or go over drawn on my account. I just about get straight then its all due again. I have explained but he doesnt listen and says thats the way it is and its unfair if he pays more!! i lent £400 off him last month for materials (again had the money but had bills to pay) and he constantly really on my case for it back. Its really stressing me out. The it was both my daughter and sons birthday and had to pay another half toward presents (one being a laptop) and the rest of the presents i bought out my own money. He's gone really tight recently, always got money for things he needs. Hes just gone into business with someone else now too so will be earning more . Just really fed up, been together 14 years and have 4 kids, we dont really have much in common anymore, he hates my hobby (my horses) he likes to drink (i dont drink!) and he says i have changed too. I dont like his friends and we hardly spend time together anymore. I think something needs to change as we are drifting apart. He has alot of friends where we live and i have one friend who is also horsey but thats it. I work alone whilst he has 2 employees who are the same age and he gets on with really well. His dad lives very local, my family and other friends live 90 miles away!
Today i am sat in with the kids, he is out with his friend discussing business matters (setting up new business) probably in a pub somewhere eating out etc i just dont want this anymore. The prospect of leaving him is exciting as well as daunting. I am 35 this year and want to make a break and have a change. I think i would be better off financially on my own.
Just needed to vent!

scallopsrgreat Sat 11-Jun-16 14:54:20

This is financial abuse. It isn't fair and you would probably be better off on your own.

What is he adding to the relationship? If you are working around looking after the kids then clearly he isn't doing half of the childcare? So what is he exactly contributing other than half the money for bills and then keeping the rest for himself? He's getting more wealth off your work.

memyselfandaye Sat 11-Jun-16 14:58:32

Its more than unfair, he's selfish and greedy, and yes you would be better off without him.

ASISAYNOTASIDO Sat 11-Jun-16 15:02:16

Start billing for all childcare and housework duties - minimum £10ph. If it's going to be s 50/50 split then so be it but this is nuts. I'm in charge of all finances in my house - joint accounts but frankly DH is too lazy to know how much is there. If it were any other way then I would be gone. You need to stand up for yourself - but before you do a thing get some legal and then financial advice. From today start a diary of ALL outgoing a and time spent on childcare and household duties - only when you have a few weeks worth of this do you start the conversation as if he is anything like my husband can only hear facts and figures. Good luck

Flossiesmummy Sat 11-Jun-16 15:13:20

If he wants to go 50/50 on all bills, perhaps you could point out that childcare, cooking, cleaning etc all need to be 50/50 as well.

What a douche.

Justmusing Sat 11-Jun-16 15:13:39

The 2 older ones 11 and 12 are at school. The 2 younger one 1 and 3 go to nursery 3.5 days per week. I work the days they go in and he works 4 days per week. Thing is if I want to go riding of an evening I am gone for 2 hours at max he moans and moans and gives me a hard time about it or if am not back by a certain time he winges too. Tells me I should go when kids are at nursery! Erm no am actuary working then! He just moans constantly really about everything nothing I do is right! . He will make the tea and he will take the 3 yr old out with him sometimes if he's doing a delivery in work or have a kick about with our 12 year old. He's always pissed with me too and I know it's because I won't have sex every night. Since having our baby who has just turned 1 (and I breast feed ) I have lost my mojo! We still have sex probably 3 x per week but that's never enough. Last week we took the little ones out for some lunch where there was a play area for the kids. He didn't want to speak to me and when I spoke to him he ws too busy what's aping his mate 😬 or then he spent the whole time with the kids (which is great it's just the rest of the time he wont be listening to me. Just off in his own world or on his phone. Things have got bad.

GraysAnalogy Sat 11-Jun-16 15:15:55

This is something me and DP discussed before we moved into together.At the time he was earning more than me so we paid a fair percentage.

It's absolutely not fair that he is expecting you to go halves.

And doesn't he find this limiting? Especially for the kids gifts, it would always have to be based on your earning and what you can afford rather that what you as a family can afford. And why the hell did you but most of the presents anyway??!

I couldn't be with someone like this.

HildurOdegard Sat 11-Jun-16 15:21:26

There's a great meme out there: he told me it's him or the horse - we're really going to miss him.

inamess24 Sat 11-Jun-16 15:24:01

I was in a relationship like this. Not married, no kids but he wanted 50/50 split. I got him a new job so he earnt more than me and he went out a lot more socially. It didn't work, he never wanted to marry me and thankfully have children with me. We split up.

DH and I combine everything and share childcare etc. His children = my children.

I knew that when my DP wasn't going to help me financially whilst living as a partnership, the relationship was never going to work - and I was right!

TheNaze73 Sat 11-Jun-16 15:26:48

I think you should have discussed this before you moved in together. There's no right or wrong here however, if it's making you feel bad, tell him as one thing he cannot argue is a feeling

SandyY2K Sat 11-Jun-16 15:35:36

Basically he's a stingy bugger. It should operate more on a 60/40 split or 70/30.

Things won't get better. This is how he thinks and over time you'll get resentful and almost flinch when he comes near you because your financial situation will have you so distressed.

I had a client in your situation who began to withold intimacy because of his tight fisted behaviour. She'd just tell her DH her financial situation was causing her so much stress and she was struggling to sleep, so wasn't in the mood. Then she told him her GP had prescribed anti depressants (it wasnt true) because of it which had a side effect of a lower drive.

He soon stepped up when he wasn't getting any sex. She was steadfast in her mission and the next plan was seperation then divorce.

memyselfandaye Sat 11-Jun-16 15:38:12

TheNaze that horse has bolted, they've been together 14yrs and have 4 kids.

OP He sulks because you want have sex every night? He's a pig, how can you stand to do it with him at all? Do you feel like you have to, to keep the peace?

Justmusing Sat 11-Jun-16 15:44:35

We have been living together for 13 years, it's just in the past 2 years he had changed. The more money he has the tighter he seems to be with it. He always used to pay everything and not moan when I wasn't earning. Fair enough he took us out for a meal for daughters bday the other night and paid for it all but so he should! Now that's the latest thing, the whole "well I paid for everyone's meal the other night"
I am going to have a chat some point this wknd . I can't go on like this and there's no way on earth am sacking off my business which I have worked my socks off for for 3 years with no start up loans or help from him! (Apart from the £400 I borrowed the other day!)

DoubleCarrick Sat 11-Jun-16 15:44:55

Ah, your dh isn't being fair. We are both self employed and our approach towards money, for this reason, has to be pretty fluid.

I'm getting the impression that finances isn't the only worry for you though

Justmusing Sat 11-Jun-16 15:51:39

Memyselfandeye - yes I do just so I can get some peace! Otherwise I get hassled and then moaned at.
It's the moodiness he has too and so so argumentative. Am planning on riding when he gets back and taking our daughter. No doubt I will be timed! Thing is I am never long anyway and normally only go 3 or 4 x per week to ride.
Don't know why he moans as it's not as if we do anything together anyway. The football is on tonight so I will be going to bed to watch TV.

AnyFucker Sat 11-Jun-16 16:04:07

Your "partner" sounds like a first class pick

Incidentally, after 4 kids together why haven't you married ? You and they are in a very precarious financial position were you to split.

AnyFucker Sat 11-Jun-16 16:04:39


Justmusing Sat 11-Jun-16 16:09:50

He won't get married. Gave up on that one. He proposed to me around 2 years ago. Bought me a ring. Amy talk of getting married and he says he's too busy, can't afford it, it's not the right time etc etc etc. Given up on it now. I have however got my name on some land we own which has increased in value and a building plot. We don't own any properties as we rent and where planning to build a house. The car is in my name.

memyselfandaye Sat 11-Jun-16 16:14:47

Just can you see how awful that looks? Having sex so he won't hassle you and sulk.

Don't take this shit a moment longer, you are worth more.

BoGrainger Sat 11-Jun-16 16:39:15

Yikes! You know you'll be better off separated with him paying child support and also for your sanity. What an arse

SandyY2K Sat 11-Jun-16 17:43:28

3 times a week is plenty sex with a 1 year old ... and even without a 1 year old. It's not a situation I'd be happy with.

AnecdotalEvidence Sat 11-Jun-16 18:53:18

There's no right or wrong here
There most definitely is! This is all kinds of wrong.
He's a selfish twat.

Blu Sat 11-Jun-16 19:32:53

I don't actually see how the OP is in a precarious position if they split. The house is rented, she already pays 50% of everything including a high end lifestyle favoured by him.

OP, who pays for the horses? Do you split the childcare fees? Working 3.5 days a week and having time to ride 3 or 4 times a week and having 4 kids including a baby sounds busy, does he spend more time out doing his interests than you do yours?

Have you asked him why his attitude to money has changed?

umizoomi Sat 11-Jun-16 20:57:51

I have a friend who was in this situation. She had a good job but he was VERY well paid and so earned 3 times more than her.

I think it's controlling to say it's 50/50.
You are in a partnership and it's not all about money.

Play him at his own game. Divide the hours you are not at work (and DC at nursery) exactly in half. Tell him which 50% he is responsible for. Plus 50% of every other task - shopping cooking etc.

Or just ltb

1DAD2KIDS Sat 11-Jun-16 21:03:11

It doesn't sound like a partnership to me. More like two people house sharing. It definatly not a committed attitude. He very much see his money as his and yours as your problem, very romantic. Do you want to spend your life with him, because he is showing no financial commitment to you. I maybe be wrong but would he run a mile from the thought of marriage and all the financial commitments/implications for his higher earnings should your devorce?

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