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How to deal with hurtful reaction to our pregnancy news.

(38 Posts)
Snowflakes1122 Sat 11-Jun-16 07:19:29

I'm fuming and upset with my mil over her comments to our pregnancy announcement for number 4.

Firstly this baby was planned, and we are happily married and are financially stable!

We had an early scan at 7 weeks and as they were visiting, we decided to tell them (fil and mil)
We had no congratulations, no smile or hugs, just a barrage of negativity and faces like slapped arses.

These are just some of the delightful comments we had repeated over and over;

1.my husband should put an knot in it
2.what have we done?
3.how will we cope?
4.dh is still tied to her apron strings??
5.i need my tubes tying

I was too upset to say anything at the time. Now I'm angry! This is out baby they are talking about. We are not some feckless teenagers, how dare they!
I know eventually they will come around to the idea, but by then I will be seething and can't just forget this hurt.
I think the fact they chose to have one baby (dh) means they think we should have stuck to one or two max. Anything more in her eyes is bizarre.

She is mad we haven't listened to the hints she has continually dropped thought the years to not have anymore.

Anyone been through similar?

WellErrr Sat 11-Jun-16 07:21:18

'Wow. Did you mean to be so rude?'

Then leave.

All you can do. Sorry they've been twats, and congratulations on your pregnancy flowers

Scarydinosaurs Sat 11-Jun-16 07:21:40

Did you never think to ask why?? I can't imagine someone saying this to me and not asking them why?

BluebellTheDonkey Sat 11-Jun-16 07:48:20

Scary I usually freeze up in situations like this. When my DS aged 5 announced to MIL FIL SIL and cousins that mummy had a baby in her tummy there was complete silence for several awkward seconds. Then SIL eventually piped up 'Oh that's good I thought mummy had eaten too many pies'.
This baby was much longed for following a late miscarriage at 20 weeks. It had taken all of our courage to try again and we were very very nervous about losing this baby too. For DS to be met with this comment rather than 'oh how wonderful!' was extremely hurtful.
However I was so shocked I couldn't bring myself to say anything, just sloped off to the toilet and quietly sobbedsad
OP I am sorry you have had such hurtful comments. flowers Its easier said than done to say ignore it. If you do get the opportunity to tell them how hurtful their comments were then go for it, but be prepared for a lack of understanding in their part.
Enjoy your pregnancy with those who matter most to you.

Snowflakes1122 Sat 11-Jun-16 08:06:05

Thanks for he replies.
When MIL is in one of these types of argumentative moods, FIL and DH do their best to avoid conflict. She's pretty much used to being unchallenged on her hurtful comments generally, as we all just take it.

noeuf Sat 11-Jun-16 08:07:05

Bluebell I think your sil did okay there - she was caught out by news you hadn't shared and sounds like she was being light hearted.

Snowflakes1122 Sat 11-Jun-16 08:08:57

Bluebellthedonkey-I'm so sorry for your loss, and the reaction you had.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

maresedotes Sat 11-Jun-16 08:09:52

Sorry you had to listen to these comments. Congratulations! I'm the 4th child (and we're the best!) grin

Sparkletastic Sat 11-Jun-16 08:10:47

Time for MIL to start getting used to be challenged in that case. And forget being polite - she doesn't hold back and neither should you. Or if you would rather go the breezy and dismissive route 'oh well we will be seeing a lot less of your after our new baby is born in that case'.

ThatsMyStapler Sat 11-Jun-16 08:10:58

flowers and congrats

no advice really on MIL, just look questioning/surprised at her and leave silence, people hate silence.... she'll keep digging grin

maresedotes Sat 11-Jun-16 08:12:35

And the 4th daughter so my parents had comments about wanting a boy. To every future comment just smile and say how happy you are.

BluebellTheDonkey Sat 11-Jun-16 08:15:18

noeuf they did know my news, I was past the 20 week stage when we told DS, as we wanted to make sure all was well at the 20 week scan. ILs had known for weeks. DS was full of excitement and told my ILs at a family gathering. A simple 'that's lovely news' would have been nice, which is what everyone else said to him.

noeuf Sat 11-Jun-16 08:25:49

Oh okay, thought they were caught out.

BluebellTheDonkey Sat 11-Jun-16 08:28:55

No sorry didn't explain properly. Also I have other issues with ILs so was probably somewhat over sensitive at the time!
My point for OP is that you don't always know what to say when faced with an unexpected reaction. I usually go away and dwell on what I should have said at the time! I wish I had a whole load of clever comments up my sleeve but I'm not that sort of person.
Good luck with the ILs OP.

Yeahthatwasme Sat 11-Jun-16 08:36:01

At least they are being honest with you. Would you rather close family lied to your face and then behind you back said those comments?
You may not like to hear it but you must see there is a value in face to face honesty. Or maybe you would prefer them to lie to you.

Entirely separately, every day anyone of us leaves the house people judge you adversely for your choices - and usually those judgments are within a reasonable band of opinion.

Single no kids = selfish or sad lonely on the shelf or having a life of Riley
One child = strange, poor singleton no one to play with, turns out odd or great, one child who can have more because that's what we can afford and gets all of our attention.
3+ children = socially irresponsible whether you can afford it or not as the world is overcrowded.

and so on.

A view that anyone having more than 3 children is socially irresponsible isn't actually that unreasonable considering. I think you just need to accept that they won't be the only people to think that and if you are happy that's all that matters.

ApostrophesMatter Sat 11-Jun-16 08:43:02

She shouldn't have been so rude, certainly. But she was being honest - would you rather she faked pleasure at your news?

A lot of people think families should be limited to 2 DCs for all sorts of reasons.

Afreshstartplease Sat 11-Jun-16 08:46:34

This kind of reaction seems common when you pass 2 DC for some stupid reason

When I announced DC3 some people asked me why?

SanityClause Sat 11-Jun-16 08:53:25

maybe you would prefer them to lie to you.

Of course you would prefer that. It's called being polite!

Naturally, if the OP was expecting her PIL to act as unpaid childcare for the new baby, or expected any kind of support from them, then they would be at liberty to refuse. But still not to comment (unprompted) on the OP and her DH's choices.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 11-Jun-16 09:04:16

Snowflakes,

Re your comment:-
"When MIL is in one of these types of argumentative moods, FIL and DH do their best to avoid conflict"

Presumably your DH said nothing when such remarks were made by his mother. Your FIL has also done his bit to enable his wife here; he has acted also as a bystander. Such people mainly act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

This is also partly why she is as she is (also her own childhood would be a factor); she has been enabled to continue her bad and rude behaviour precisely because she has never been called out on it.

You cannot change MIL but you can certainly change how you react to her. Look at your own boundaries and further raise them. Cut back on all forms of contact. Do not reward bad behaviour.

Its not being honest to say such things to a pregnant woman; its simply rude and hurtful. Such snide comments paint this MIL in a poor light and its not easily forgotten.

Enkopkaffetak Sat 11-Jun-16 09:16:19

A view that anyone having more than 3 children is socially irresponsible isn't actually that unreasonable considering.

Utterly disagree there if your reaction is to be rude to the people announcing their pregnancy.

I have 4 they were planned and we looked forward to our children. the news of dd3 (no 4) were taken with much less enthusiasm than ds who is no3 lots of " ohh trying for a boy (no trying for a baby though dd1 would like a duck actually)

When a school mum announced her 6th pregnancy i gave her a hug and said congratulations. She burst into tears saying I was the first who had been positive about it. I think thats despicable.

If someone announces a pregnancy you congratulate and keep your opinions on if its ok to yourself IMO.

DD3 is now 12 and I couldn't imagine my world without her funny interesting and frankly oddball ways. She enriches mine and her siblings (and dh smile)'s world.

HappyJanuary Sat 11-Jun-16 09:25:43

These sorts of comments aren't honest, they're rude.

I will never understand people who prize 'straight talking' over manners.

When someone announces a pregnancy you feign congratulations and file that white lie in the same category as 'does my bum look big in this?'

Seriously, what reaction do these people expect. Did they really expect you to agree? The only possible outcome was your hurt feelings.

I remember giving a bottle of expensive champagne to a friend once. She said 'I hate fizzy wine, I'll give it to the gardener for Christmas'. Afterwards she said she was just telling me the truth. Nope.

LadyAntonella Sat 11-Jun-16 09:26:48

I have no useful advice but just wanted to say they sound a bit horrible OP. How incredibly rude. Congratulations on your pregnancy! flowers

SandyY2K Sat 11-Jun-16 09:27:13

Does you having children impact on your MIL in any way?

Has your DH asked them for financial assistance which would lead them to think money is an issue?

Do you ask her to babysit for you? If not then it's none of her business.

Even if you do ask for favours relating to the kids she can refuse.

It's your marriage and your choice along with your husband.

PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace Sat 11-Jun-16 09:48:36

'It is none of your business how many children we decide to have.'

Rinse and repeat.

If you are in a stable relationship and financially solvent then go for it. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Suggest going low contact with your ILs who sound rude and over-involved in your lives.

Only1scoop Sat 11-Jun-16 09:53:50

I couldn't imagine a barrage of comments like that and not establishing why they feel the need to be vile? 'Why are you being so rude etc'?

Unless they will be expected to babysit and are hugely taken advantage of them they have no reason to comment.

Even if they do help there is no need for insults.

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