Just got called a fucking cunt again...

[bettawithpancetta]

I have told him I can't take this anymore. I so tired at the end of the day and then walking on eggshells when he gets home to avoid a row. Silly me slipped into it asking him about how we were going to spend the weekend ( so I know who I might get a lie in if at all as he is home after toddler in bed all week). So I tried to plan the weekend, I changed my mind about going to an nct reunion( too sad for me as so unhappy), I just frustrate him. He starts shouting, waving things, ranting calls me a cunt ( this keeps happening). When I get upset he tells me I'm the one shouting ( I suppose I am by that point). I am so sad about this for my child and he has no idea how much his scorn hurts me. I really have no choice but to file for a divorce. I can't take this any more. Is it wrong that I want to plan the weekend? Really need some support. Am scared of him, not of violence but of his scorn.

[YouAreMyRain]

He shouldn't be calling you a cunt. That is verbally abusive. I'm not surprised that you are scared, have you told anyone in real life?

[BirthdayBetty]

IMO the only cunt is him. I'm not surprised you want to divorce, I really hope you do.

[bettawithpancetta]

Yes I've told people close to me before but he is very nice to them ( apparently I'm not s nice person but my family are) , he is under lots of pressure and I can be a difficult person so..... I'm very afraid of damaging my son either way.

[GettingScaredNow]

He's a twat. And a narcissist.
Just like my STBXH.
I filed papers... TODAY! Yay!

My STBXH would do everything you describe. I would be 2 different people. Me during the day happy and relaxed. Then someone else when he came home, tense, quiet.
It was always me starting every fight, by reacting in a way he didn't like to whatever the latest horrid or unreasonable thing he had done.
Gaslighting, stonewalling. Name calling. Lack of respect. Dishonesty.

These are all abusive.
Your h is abusive.
How old is your DC?
for you. It's a tough decision to make. Took me a long long time. Wish I had done it years ago.

[YouAreMyRain]

Hearing his mother be called a "fucking cunt" is much more damaging than growing up without an abusive parent in the house

[bettawithpancetta]

Does anyone else have experience of being called a cunt by their husband/ partner? He did it when I was pregnant. He's very sweary and also very theatrical when arguing( Mediterranean). I still love him but hate being around him list of the time as he makes me so anxious. This is coupled with being v nice and always reassuring me how I am beautiful etc ans a good mother. It's very confusing. I fear that I fail at everything in my life and my marriage was one thing which I thought I'd got right- sad isn't it :-/

[bettawithpancetta]

Most of the time...

[elephantoverthehill]

I am sorry you are experiencing this type of behaviour. Unfortunately your Ds will be damaged if he starts witnessing it.

[NameChange30]

Signs of emotional abuse
Am I in an abusive relationship?
The Abuser Profiles

Do some reading and call Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247 (open 24/7).

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

He has to be lovely to you sometimes. If he was nasty and called you a cunt every day of course you would leave. By swinging between abusive bastard and lovely partner he keeps you dangling for his own benefit.

Honestly, life is too short. Leave the bastard, be a happy mum for your ds xx

[GettingScaredNow]

STBXH called me a cunt once or twice.
Stunned me. It's a vile word. Especially when it's spat with hatred and contempt.
Called me various other things as well, bitch, whore, English trash. Said I was 'a cancer' (which is ironic as he's just been diagnosed with cancer!)

It's confusing because he doesn't really know who he is. One minute loving and caring and complimentary to show you how wonderful he is, how well he treats you.
But he doesn't treat you well. He isn't respectful. No one should say things like that to anyone.

[bettawithpancetta]

Thanks markruffalocrumble....
Getting scared now- I'm worried about having to live under the same roof before divorce- is he still
In your home?
Thanks everyone... I have HATED weekends for s long time now

[Hastalapasta]

OMG! Not normal at all. My DH is Italian and has NEVER sworn at me, or been rude, made me feel uncomfortable to be around him etc. You sound like a great mum and deserve better. So sorry to hear that you are going through this. Hope life works out for you and your DC.

[BirthdayBetty]

My abusive ex used to call me a cunt. I left him 20 years ago and am now with my lovely dh, who has never (and wouldn't ever) called me a cunt

[NameChange30]

Women's Aid can advise on staying safe while separating, give you information on solicitors, and help you look into housing options if necessary.

[GettingScaredNow]

Yes he is.
It has been horrendous. I escape to my mums when I can. Have 'sleepovers' with the DC so they can play in her garden.

He kept saying he would move out but clearly has no intention of doing so. So it is going to be a long winding road, but with filing the papers I feel a little comfort as the wheels will all start turning soon and the light at the end of the tunnel will come closer. He will HAVE to leave at some point.

My Dd is almost 4.
A few weeks back she panicked and cried after we ate lunch and begged me to do the washing up. Turns out she had heard us arguing about it the night before and him shouting and calling me lazy and she 'didn't want daddy to shout at you mummy'

She wanted to get everyone (all extended family) emoji cushions. She listed all the faces each person would get. When it came to daddy she simply said 'he will have the red one cos he's always angry'

If broke my heart cos I hadn't realised how much she was taking in.

She can sense the tension now. She is clearly unsettled. But she trusts me and as much as she will blame me when the time comes to explain things and him move out she will be happier. I know this.

You owe if to yourself to not let this twat treat you like shit, but you owe it to your DS too.

[SandyY2K]

Nobody has ever called me that. My husband of 17 years definetly hasn't and never would. He doesn't swear at all.

I would not be with a man who said that to me.

[bettawithpancetta]

I really worry about this GettingScared. My son is almost 2. I am very worried about waiting until he starts really tuning in to all the tension, hearing the arguments before I leave. Do other people have partners who go r like them to plan weekends? He has never liked it and it means I cannot look forward to anything.

[bettawithpancetta]

Sorry I meant partners who don't like them to plan

[Hillfarmer]

Hi OP,

Really sorry you are going through this. Your h is abusive. I had really dreadful weekends too - all the worse because you think that weekends should be a nice time and they weren't. My XH made weekends into awful stressful times when I couldn't put a foot right. He always just scowled his way through the days, I felt his contempt all the time. I couldn't understand why he was so horrible.

Often plans that I made - simple things like go to a park with the dcs or go out for a pizza - were inexplicably spoiled. Every nice thing we could have done was spoiled by him. So... it's not about plans as such, it's about the fact that he is trashing you and he goes about that by trashing your plans. Either he is chastising you for even daring to make a plan, or I'm sure, if you do manage to get him on board, he will find a way to spoil it somehow.

The message is 'It isn't you, it's HIM'. He is not a 'partner who doesn't like to plan' - he is a partner who is treating you with contempt. Doesn't matter what you try and do, he is undermining you as a form of abuse and he will continue to undermine you.

You ask yourself 'why is he doing this?' Why would anyone be happy making the person they love miserable? Well, it's about control. Control matters more than anything else to these men. Doesn't matter what his background is - Mediterranean or not - he wants you NOT to have an opinion, NOT to have plans, and NOT to have a voice of your own. You are his subordinate, and as far as he is concerned he should have all the power!

Of course, if challenged, he would never admit this to you. That would be far too straightforward. It is shocking for you that he is doing this - but it started when you were pregnant and continued when you had your dd. This is a very predictable time for abuse to start. When you're pregnant, you're vulnerable... and when you have your baby you are vulnerable and dependent, and he is exploiting that.

Have you got the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that'. I found that it was really useful when I was in the first shock of realising my H was abusive. Because that's the question you are desperate to answer. After a while, that question becomes less important as you learn that there is nothing you can do to change how he is, all you can do is take yourself and your daughter out of range.

He's making you anxious, you're on eggshells and your daughter knows that he is angry and she is scared of him. You are right to plan to get the hell out of your marriage. Yes, it's something you never thought you'd do... but he is banking on that, he doesn't believe you would do it because you are strong and dedicated to family life. Well call his bluff. Been there OP, it's horrible but it will get better for you and your daughter when you take decisive action. You are right, she will be happier when it is just you and her in a happy environment that you make for her.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

Oh OP, your post makes me shudder, brings back memories of horrendous weekends with ex.

I wasted 18 years with a 'house devil/street angel'. As hard as it is, you have to leave ASAP, before he erodes your confidence and self esteem to the point where you feel you can't. I've been there OP, do yourself and your dear sweet child a MASSIVE favour and leave/get rid.

good luck x

[GettingScaredNow]

My STBXH didn't express a dislike if I planned anything but it was as if he had a'fuck that' attitude to anything I did plan.

He would play football on a Saturday evening so we would have to be home in time for that.
Then play football again on a Sunday morning so we couldn't go out until afterwards. And by the time he had showered, eaten lunch and 'rested a bit' it was too late to do anything.

Even when I did plan something his response was always 'yeah. Ok' said as if he wasn't listening (IYSWIM). Then he simply wouldn't get ready to go.
Say we had to leave at 9... He would only start getting dressed at 8.45. We all knew it would take him an hour to go through the bathroom and get dressed but no amount of nagging from me would make him get started any sooner so we were always late. It meant that I had 2 kids lined up at the door in tears as they had shoes and coats on but didn't know why we weren't going!!
He would then start whinging half way through the day about being tired or traffic or whatever.
He can not enjoy happiness past a certain point. It was unbelievably exhausting and he sucked the joy out of everything!!

I stopped including him and stated doing stuff without him. He then accused me of having an affair and said I was irresponsible for trying to do stuff with 2 kids as i can't possibly Cope with them both, one would get hurt etc....

About this time last year STBXH got a job that meant he had to work Saturday. I was overjoyed. Now he only has Sunday's off each week. And of corse he doesn't want to do anything (except play football) cos he needs to rest from his work week (apparently this also meant not helping with the kids so I could rest cos I don't work so don't need a break)
It changed our lives as I just saw how happy me and the kids were and how crap Sunday's were in comparison to the other 6 days.

You have to go through the worst to see he best OP.
He's still sleeping on my sofa and currently signed off on sick pay so he is there 24/7 being a Tosser, undermining me, and being all woe is me bullshit but I am already happier as I have detached from him.

It's a big tough step to take. Has taken me better part of 2 years to actually do this. But, oh my gosh... It's so worth it

[Moonsunearth]

Bettawithpancetta your partner sounds like mine. Did you leave him in the end? How are you now?
Mine got better with me making plansover the years but this was the topic of our very first argument when he showed me his real angry side. I'm the Mediterranean in the couple, but he's the angry one and he is British. Turns out because that stresses him so much to make plans I spent the past 9 years building all our lives on my own around him and his sensitive personality. Called me a miserable cunt a few weeks ago because I disagreed with him / critisized him. Now I'm looking into my finances to see if I can remortgage and leave him....

[Sandals19]

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

[75Renarde]

I have experience of this and it was horrific. I was in a bad emotional place and I allowed it to go on for too long.

His favourite was 'stick a bottle of wine up your cunt'. Plus bitch. I even have that phrase in writing, he was THAT stupid.

He is a narc and a thoroughly unpleasant one. Please read this, it will help

narcsite.com/2019/12/08/the-lesser-narcissists-response-to-no-contact-2/comment-page-1/#comment-322421

Please be very very careful. You must get out.