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42 and single - any suggestions?!

(57 Posts)
Lostlou Fri 10-Jun-16 22:19:44

So, I've been single for around 16 months. I split up with Ex bf of around 2 years last February. He had a DD from a previous relationship (not cause of split - she was lovely bless her). Previously married for 13 yrs and no kids of my own. I feel like I wasted my entire 30s in an unhappy marriage and I have a massive amount of regret that I'm wasting my life away.

I'm 42 and facing the reality of maybe being on my own. It scares me. I'm fine living on my own. I have a great job and have my own house and I'm saving money sensibly so can manage financially on my own without any worries.

I just have this feeling that it would be nice to share my day with someone. It would be nice to have someone that actually fancies me and wants to be with me.

I've tried OLD sites including Match, Fitness Singles, Eharmony and now Tinder and POF. A few dates but not much success. A couple (well 3) drunken encounters, not from the dating sites, since last Feb but nothing else.

I just need cheering up. Someone please tell me there's still life out there!! I consider myself a young 42 and some of the guys on these dating sites who claim to be around my age look between 10-15yrs older.

I've had great advice from friends who say it's OK to be on your own (they are all in relationships though lol) and I know it is. I just wish it was different...

Any thoughts?!

Thanks :-) x

GruffaloPants Fri 10-Jun-16 22:25:22

If you want a relationship, chances are it will come.

My colleague did OLD on and off for a couple of years but had basically given up on it. Then she met a guy. Seemed nice, but nothing exciting. Then they went and fell in love. Four years in they seem to have a really lovely relationship and have just bought a house together. She's a good bit older than you and had the same issues around men looking for younger women. Her guy wanted a contemporary as he was looking for something long term. They met on e-harmony.

Also don't give up on chance meetings. Any potential in your work?

Paperkins Fri 10-Jun-16 22:36:27

I know a few men that age who are single. Two are def on the lookout for a relationship.

Can your friends not extend their network for you? A lot of people get on well with friends of fact, I think there is a website for it...hang on.... [

Lostlou Fri 10-Jun-16 22:40:31

Hi GruffaloPants - thanks!!

Massive potential in work as the industry I work in (well our PLC) is 85% male 15% female though most if not all in my age bracket are married / in relationships.

In fact unfortunately a colleague was one of the 'encounters' ahem, I describe above. We were both very drunk. I did ask if he had a girlfriend. He said no. A check on Facebook in the cold (sober) light of day a few days later reveals that was a big fat lie probably a fib.

Ho hum - onwards and upwards eh?! I will probably persevere with Tinder and POF there is a hilarious thread on here I've just found about dating...

Onmyownwith4kids Fri 10-Jun-16 23:04:12

Three years ago my husband had an affair. For months I pranced around like a fool letting him try to decide between the two of us. Thanks to the amazing advice here I realised I was being taken for a fool. We're now divorced. He's brought a housr and is living with the woman he had the affair with. I've moved, sold our old house. I. The midst of ectending new one. Children doing so well and really happy. They're thriving. He had seen them twice in the last 6 months. He rolls up. Tells them he loves them more than anything then disappears. I'm exhausted and resentful. He had a new relationship and someone to live him. I can't see beyond working and looking after the children. I have no time for anything else. Just been on Facebook. Feel like an utter failure. How do you build a life as a single parent with no support. Can I make him take more responsibility. How do you make someone see his kids more?

Lostlou Fri 10-Jun-16 23:07:54

Oh I'm so sorry Onmyownwith4kids that must be massively tough!!! Sorry I can't offer any advice here, being without kids, but here to give a virtual hug and we'll get through this.

There are some great single parent threads on here (sorry I've not worked out how to copy a link) and as you say - you've had great advice on here before.

Lou x

Lostlou Fri 10-Jun-16 23:10:38

Paperkins yes all my friends know I'm 'on the lookout!'. I'll check out that website - thanks!

I've been accused of being a bit too picky but you can't help who you do/don't fancy can you?

Lou :-)

MarkRuffaloCrumble Fri 10-Jun-16 23:35:09

Nothing wrong with being picky, but it shouldn't necessarily start with looks. The trouble with OLD is that we are dismissing someone on the basis of a single photo half the time.

Might be worth expanding your criteria and seeing if you can meet someone a bit different? I met my DP on match 4 years ago (I'm 42 now). I thought he looked a bit cocky in his photos, but he had pretty eyes and it turned out he is quite full of himself but also lovely! He is a bit younger than me and only just crept into my search criteria grin

Lostlou Fri 10-Jun-16 23:45:30

Hi MarkRuffaloCrumble but I never said it was to do with looks did I?! ;-)

No seriously, just in case you were wondering... he has to be:

Over 5'8" (I'm 5'3" and never wear more than 4" heels)
brown hair
reasonably athletic
live within 50km of me...

I do prefer younger men lol. How much younger is OK?? I'm just curious! ;-)

You are right though. I see photos on Facebook of guys I know and think that on the basis of that one photo I wouldn't be interested in getting to know them but 'in the flesh' they are a lot nicer.


Lou x

RaarSaidTheLion Sat 11-Jun-16 01:42:17

I would try some kind of running/walking club as well as OLD.

MidnightLullaby Sat 11-Jun-16 05:18:12

Well you've no chance doing OLD if you're looking for someone younger!

As you've noticed, the men already take 10-15 years off their age because they know we want someone a similar age to ourselves and they want someone 10-15 years younger. They just think we're too stupid/desperate to notice.

I have no idea what the answer is. I'm a young 41. Unfortunately, I'm not in such a good position as you because my exh completely shafted me financially over the years and I worry this makes me not such a good catch in men's eyes. Which pisses me off somewhat.

But also, I just don't meet men who are single and I don't meet men who I fancy. I'm not especially picky, but there are basic levels of decency I expect them to meet and these seem to be largely lacking in single men over 40!

I'm not looking for a relationship, but I am open to one. But I just don't even meet single men around my age to reject them or be rejected by them, generally.

MidnightLullaby Sat 11-Jun-16 05:27:44

There are about 20 men in my social circle. Only one of them is single.

albertcampionscat Sat 11-Jun-16 05:34:22

Brown hair?

RedMapleLeaf Sat 11-Jun-16 06:20:48

I would include men two inches shorter than that and also search for older.

pollyglot Sat 11-Jun-16 06:27:48

Believe me, there are plenty of nice men out there. I met Mr Wonderful at 50. Dating websites are great, provided that you are patient, expand your search criteria a little and are prepared not to settle for Mr "he'll do". Also avoid the "nurse or purse" older men.

Lostlou Sat 11-Jun-16 09:54:27

RaarSaidTheLion yes - I'm actually already a member of a cycling club. I've had 2 guys from there ask me out. I said no to both. One is away for the winter months as a ski instructor and is a total player 'specialises in coaching nervous women' I kid you not.... The other took great exception to my rebuffing his advances and told me had 'issues' then proceeded to work his way through another 2-3 women in the club until one agreed to date him!!!

MidnightLullaby on the age point - I've met half a dozen. I would say five of them were truthful about their age and one about 10yrs out!! Or maybe he just had a tough shift... Sorry to hear about your situation but I am hoping that the sort of men who would be put off by this are not the ones you want to meet anyway. Maybe you'll get swept off your feet by your knight in shining armour?! x

albertcampionscat is asking for brown hair odd?? Maybe at plus 40 I should be happy with any hair at all lol!!! Seriously though I'm just not attracted to blondes!

RedMapleLeaf I might take up your suggestion of going 2" shorter just to see what happens. My age settings are set at 36-48.

pollyglot thanks for giving me hope! I think you're right saying not to settle for 'Mr. He'll do'. But then I get accused of being picky! Can't win sometimes...

MadeMan Sat 11-Jun-16 10:51:17

"is asking for brown hair odd?? "

More likely it'll be grey at 40+ unless they reach for the chestnut brown Just For Men gel.

Lostlou Sat 11-Jun-16 11:02:18

MadeMan my dad still had a full head of hair with hardly any grey at 60!

MadeMan Sat 11-Jun-16 11:22:02

Well there's always exceptions to the rule. smile

Full head of hair is common; not much grey is not so common though.

Aiming for naturally brown full head of hair at 40+ is probably going to rule out a few dates though.

Lelloteddy Sat 11-Jun-16 11:33:03

Your 'criteria' is ok apart from the brown hair thing. Anything that specific makes you sound superficial and appearance driven and that would be a big no for lots of decent blokes.
I met the love of my life on Tinder and he's the furthest thing from what I imagined him to be grin

Lostlou Sat 11-Jun-16 11:40:13

Lelloteddy I can see your point about the 'appearance driven' bit. However, I should point out that my criteria are in my head only and not specified in my bio! I've actually just checked my settings on Tinder and POF and the only really specific thing I've put is age and distance.

One of my friends did go through the guys I'd saved as favourites on POF and mentioned that they were all very similar and I did seem to go for a 'type' as far as appearance was concerned so maybe I need a rethink?!

AccordingtoMe Sat 11-Jun-16 11:47:49

Be careful with my single friend, I clicked the link earlier and found my estranged husband on there haha! he is not fucking divorced yet! the twat

cherrypepsimax Sat 11-Jun-16 11:48:28

One of my best male friends met his now partner through a mutual friend. She was put off because of his fb photo but she gave it a go and 2 years later they are looking at buying a house together. He's a fabulous guy, he's no brad Pitt, but he's fabulous other than that! I think the attraction did take a while to grow. so even if someone soesnt blow your dicks off via their photo if you've got common interests give if a go?

cherrypepsimax Sat 11-Jun-16 11:48:55

He he he socks not dicks! Auto correct epic !

Theoscargoesto Sat 11-Jun-16 11:49:22

Find something you like doing, and join up. Sports clubs, language classes, whatever it is. The point is that you'll meet people with whom you have things in common, expand your social network, and then who knows? Is there a near you? Personally I reckon meeting people in real life is better than the Internet........and it's worked for me.

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