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Is he almost perfect or am I deluding myself?

(51 Posts)
Eloisehotel Fri 10-Jun-16 20:54:35

I've started this post so many times. I've NC because my other NN might identify me in RL.

I'm with a man who chased me for a long time, wrote me beautiful letters and made wonderful romantic gestures and made me feel extraordinary. I sold my flat and we made plans.

We moved in together and I discovered he was still married, though he said his divorce was finalised.

I moved in with my parents and waited for the divorce, during which time we spent a few weeks abroad because of his job.

We had to attend lots of formal work events and I realised that we'd argue, then he'd storm out, I'd be sad and just before I was about to give up, he'd come back with an expensive dress or piece of jewellery and beg me to put it in then off we'd go to the event where he'd bring it up, 'Doesn't Eloise look beautiful, do you love her dress? I chose it. Actually, I just bought it for her.' And then all the wives swoon. And he says 'see, they can see how much I love you, why can't you?'

He's been doing this for weeks and during arguments says terrible things. I feel like he's buying me these things to shut me up. Also, some of the dresses are quite old in style and he says I should be dressing like a wife (wives are quite key in his line of work) and not a career woman. So he's bought me long velvet things instead of the trouser suits I prefer.

I thought I wanted to marry him but it feels different since I went home and the gifts make me uncomfortable but he says I'm bring ridiculous. I'm due to fly back next week and he's adamant there's no reason not to move back in together as he's days away from his divorce.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, I just feel uneasy about things. Writing it down has made me more confused!

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow Fri 10-Jun-16 20:59:32

You need to trust your gut instinct which tells you something is up.

You say you're more confused now you've written it down but what you've written is very clear and lays out perfectly the reasons not to move in with this man. I think you know your feelings better than you think and you should listen to them.

Dozer Fri 10-Jun-16 21:01:04

Run for the hills!

AnyFucker Fri 10-Jun-16 21:01:27

Rapunzel, it's time to climb down from your tower and get the fuck out of there.

Eloisehotel Fri 10-Jun-16 21:10:05

It isn't normal, is it?

He is ten years older than I am and says he was brought up to be a gentleman. He often complements other women the way he used to flatter me, and it makes me very uncomfortable.

One of his colleagues told me he was known in a previous posting as The Charmer.

He's a massive arse, isn't he?

I'm thinking about changing my ticket and just leaving. He's at an all-men dinner tonight and I've had a couple of drinks from the mini bar and done some hard thinking.

I really wanted it to be true. I think I'm probably just as much to blame for overlooking and forgiving so many worrying things.

Thanks all.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 10-Jun-16 21:12:26

Yes he is a massive arse.

Yes, change your ticket and leave.

Wear a trouser suit on the way out.

Iflyaway Fri 10-Jun-16 21:13:20

* I sold my flat and we made plans.*

Why the fuck did you sell out your independence?!

crazy women still believing in fairy tales in 2016

chocoLit Fri 10-Jun-16 21:15:55


SweetChickadee Fri 10-Jun-16 21:16:57

That gave me the shudders just reading it. Run for your life. He's a showman. All talk.

purplefox Fri 10-Jun-16 21:17:58

So many red flags here.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow Fri 10-Jun-16 21:18:59

"Rapunzel, it's time to climb down from your tower and get the fuck out of there."

grin those 50s dresses will make an excellent rope.

You don't have kids with this man so run and savour your freedom.

Eloisehotel Fri 10-Jun-16 21:19:38

Runrabbit that gave me the first laugh I've had all week!

I was already thinking about selling as there was an option of being posted abroad and I was considering buying a little house in that country. That ship has sailed but yes, it was deluded thinking that suddenly here was my dream man at the exact moment I wished for him.

Apart from the lie and the awful arguments. Tonight he said I was a moron and a cunt. At the time I put it down to passion. It's not though is it? It's bloody horrible.

chocoLit Fri 10-Jun-16 21:21:49

Passion?!?! Eh no. He's a mean, over bearing bully who is everything short of the gentleman he claims to be. For the love of God please RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN

AnyFucker Fri 10-Jun-16 21:22:07

Passion ?

Woman hating and disablist name calling is "passion" ?

It is abusive. No more, no less.

eatsleephockeyrepeat Fri 10-Jun-16 21:26:10

God yeah, massive arse, clear as day! I can imagine how confusing it must be from the inside though - sounds like the minibar's been your friend tonight.

Do it, change the ticket, come back here to all of us in the real NOT CREEPY AND WEIRD real world.

Just out of curiosity how does he feel about swearing? Specifically women swearing or, more SPECIFICALLY YOU swearing? I had an ex who sounds similar. Only came to my senses when he told me I needed to curb my swearing... realised he needed to fuck the actual fuck off!!!

LellyMcKelly Fri 10-Jun-16 21:26:38

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If the profile fits (and I suspect at least parts of it will) run for the hills. You cannot change this man. He will not bring you happiness.

chocshortbread Fri 10-Jun-16 21:28:15

Red flags a plenty there

BIWI Fri 10-Jun-16 21:28:47

Passion? Passion implies love. There's no love there. Not for you, at least.

TamaraHiddlestoned Fri 10-Jun-16 21:28:54

Why did his 1st marriage fail?
(I can hardly think of a reason... but it'd be nice to have you say it)

Dozer Fri 10-Jun-16 21:29:29

LTB would be justified for the velvet dresses alone! Even Barbara Cartland would agree.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 10-Jun-16 21:30:19

The hidden cost of these gifts and trinkets is much higher than the price tag.

Do you want to be this man's possession, a trophy wife who's put on display in order to impress others with how thoughtful and caring he is but is treated like shit when the spotlight is off, or do you want to be your own person who can wear what you want, say what you want, and is free to find a man who doesn't have two sides to his personality?

Why settle for Jekyll & Hyde Mr Nice'n'nasty when there's no shortage of guys who are genuinely nice and consistently good tempered?

Eloisehotel Fri 10-Jun-16 21:32:01

eat that's really weird. One of the first things he ever said he liked about me was that I had a filthy sense of humour.

Before we went to one of the recent dinners he 'reminded' me that it wouldn't do for me to swear. That stumped me, I even reminded him of what he'd said and also that I was quite capable of behaving politely. Which of course I am, I have been attending this sort of thing all my life.

Going to google now. I feel a bit scared that I've been so bloody stupid. I was the toughest person I knew and I felt like he came along and unlocked me and now I can't really remember who I was.

cestlavielife Fri 10-Jun-16 21:33:09

Your subject title is really odd as there is nothing anywhere near perfect about him. .. no redeeming features .... it s all bad.

AnyFucker Fri 10-Jun-16 21:33:25

Unlocked ?

What trippy kind of bullshit is that ?

Get in the real world and stop fannying around with this loser.

Eloisehotel Fri 10-Jun-16 21:40:48

Thing is, I was in the real world. I mean that I hadn't really ever let anyone get that close to me and he was the first. I pretty much thought I'd just happily be on my own, my career involves lots of travel and so I wasn't anywhere long enough to get very close to someone.

I thought 'perfect' because he made me feel wonderful and when I started writing I was still wondering if it might be me.

It's not though. I've just started reading about Narcissists and I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

I've packed and booked a hotel room across town though. I'm not going to be here when he gets back.

Thank you all. I definitely did the right thing to post. You know when you're starting to delude yourself.

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