He's just told me to leave

[backinyerbox]

Hey. I'd appreciate some quick advice. I've tried calling Women's Aid but got answer phone.

Long story short emotionally and financially (gambling) abusive husband of 8 years, together 15. He suffers depression.

Over last year he's become increasingly hostile and monosymbolic/mute. Evil stares, I think he hates me.

After returning from tortuous holiday last week with our 3DCs I asked him if he even liked me anymore. He wasn't able to answer that one. I'm calm, people pleaser, solution finder by nature etc. Long talk resulted in all problems lying with me, and he won't change (although he did download a Mindfulness app.)

There's a lot of secrecy, shutting down web pages when I come in to the room etc. He's changed the security code on his phone. History of affair 7 years ago. This afternoon look at joint account online, he's withdrawn £100 cash for gambling. I text to say things have changed, and I can't live like this anymore, that I'm devastated, shaking and heart pounding.

He texts back to say I should leave. I packed the bags (travel case currently under the bed) but he appeared at the door 15 minutes later, with evil evil stare. Then he goes and sits in the garden. He's still there now. I don't want a scene in front of my 3DCs. He's a ranter and gets very angry/defensive easily (realising a narcissistic personality). He's not violent.

Should I leave with children tomorrow when he's at work (his first love) and go to my DSis 2 hours drive away? Take all legal documents in the legal folder? Or hold my ground in our house.

I'm taking eldest child to Brownie camp now, trying to keep things normal for them. Pick up on Sunday.

Feeling so tired. Drained. Nauseous.
Thank you for any advice 💐

[FurryDogMother]

If I were you, I'd stay put and suggest that he leaves - why should you and your children suffer the upset of leaving your home when he's the one with the gambling/secrecy problems. Your children deserve a stable home. So sorry this has happened to you - but stand firm, and put your children first. If you feel in danger, contact the police. Could your sister come to stay with you for a while? Wishing you all the best.

[QuiteLikely5]

He should leave!

[BobbieMarie]

He needs to leave. The kids take priority they need a home to live in. He should suffer because he's the k**bend excuse my language xx

[Wonkydonkey44]

I wouldn't be leaving either to be honest, he needs to be leaving .

X

[Ohlalala]

So sorry to hear about your situation. I'd say he is the one in the wrong so he is the one who should leave. If you decide to get divorced, surely the court will rule in your and your children's favour with you staying in the house anyway?

[expatinscotland]

Nope, he fucking leaves.

[tipsytrifle]

If mature break-ups followed mature lines every one of them would be civilised and agreed honestly, honourably and morally. But that isn;t how it goes. Someone has to leave and a peaceful life for dc re-established asap.

Shoulds/coulds/whatevers are hard come by in reality.

backinyerbox - what would you like to happen now? Have you and dc somewhere to go that wouldn't cause chaos?

[tipsytrifle]

Or has he?

[SandyY2K]

I would not leave. It's your home too I presume? Now you know he wants you to leave, you can detach your mind from him and seek legal advice on Monday.

Don't bother doing any stuff you'd normally do for him - like cooking and laundry etc.

He may well be up to his old tricks (affair) again. Regardless of what he's up to you don't need his hostility. Stop trying to please him. Abusers simply take advantage of good natured people.

[StopShoutingAtYourBrother]

Nope. It's your home too. You don't leave with your kids.

He goes.

Get yourself to a solicitor on Monday.

Again DO NOT LEAVE (unless your worried for your safety)

[ijustwannadance]

Do you have seperate accounts/your own cash to keep him from wasting money gambling? Is the house owned or rented? Is there a friend or relative that could be with you when you tell him to leave?

[Rowanhart]

He leaves. He leaves soon. He sounds unwell tbh and not to be around DCs right now.

Any chance you could get the kids taken care of overnight and start the sorting out of him leaving?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You stay. You get a SHL.

Stop trying to fix him.

Get started with the process of forcing him to leave.

If he has OW then it might be quite easy to get rid just by stopping being a people pleaser to him.

[backinyerbox]

Thanks for a your messages. I really appreciate your advice.

RunRabbit what's an SHL?

Here's the plan:
We stay where we are
I'll pluck up the energy/courage to have some sort of a discussion with him (I'm upstairs, he's downstairs, on the laptop, working, giving me evils of I'm in the room)
Find and see a solicitor ASAP. Do I just google it?
Stop trying to fix him. Stop trying to understand him. Stop enabling him. Stop being so bloody empathetic.
Think about the negative effect it is having on the children (other threads on here have made me acutely aware of this)

I think he's wanted to end things for a long time but hasn't had the guts to just say it (though he has now!) he's had to do all this crazy shit to piss me off and push me over the edge.

We own the house together, joint bank account. He's told me to take all the money. He doesn't give a s* about finances, will easily gamble £500 and not care. Has said he'll never give up gambling.

We both have somewhere to go, but doubt he'll want to move in with his mother! She's as unhinged as him!

He is depressed but refuses to get any help. Won't see GP for review of ADs, he stopped them last week as they 'interfere with his creativity' he's in professional sport

Can't prove there's an OW as he would just deny it. I've a fair idea of who it is though. She's a work colleague (masseur of all things FFS)

I actually feel a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I wish him all the best, really I do, I don't feel bitter, just that he'll be ok. Unfortunately I see him turning really nasty towards me (not physically).

[clarrrp]

Should I leave with children tomorrow when he's at work

It depends.

Firstly, is the house in his / yours / both of your names? Where do you stand financially? Do you have somewhere to go? Does HE have somewhere to go?

And finally - why on earth do you still have a joint account with a man who has a history of gambling problems?

Don't do anything hastily - speak to your solicitor as soon as possible to talk through your specific options and next move. But I would also suggest to him that he go and stay with a friend while you sort things out for you and the children.

[clarrrp]

We own the house together, joint bank account. He's told me to take all the money. He doesn't give a s about finances, will easily gamble £500 and not care. Has said he'll never give up gambling. *

This worries me. You need to check out the state of finances as soon as possible - if his gambling is as bad as you say it's possible he could have debts that will impact on your joint finances. So one of the first things you need to do is untagle your finances from his.

Hope you get it sorted soon.

[FreeFromHarm]

he needs to leave, get an occupation order, abuse any which way or form , record it all. Solicitor and restraining order if needs must. Do not budge.

[SemiNormal]

The evil staring is chilling, that would be enough for me to think 'fuck it, I'll go' - people can become seriously unhinged during a break up and he already sounds halfway there!

[goddessofsmallthings]

Leave £1 in the joint account and move the rest to any account that is in your sole name.

Find your nearest Women's Aid service here //www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and call on Monday for recommendations of family law solicitors in your area who are experienced in da cases.

If your h gives you any cause to fear what he might do to you/your property don't hesitate to call the police and have him removed from your home in order to protect yourself and your dc. If he threatens you make it a 999 call to get a speedy response.