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Why won't he break it off if he is being so distant?

(206 Posts)
KatDubs261 Fri 10-Jun-16 15:00:24

Seeing a guy for a few months, feel we connect on multiple levels. Chasing me at the beginning, lots of phone calls and texts. Going out on dates regularly.

About a month in, after daily contact, he went on a trip & didn't contact me the whole time. I felt ignored & said I wanted to cool things off & he accepted this, but was cold & hostile about the decision. I admit I was hasty in making this decision and this is unlike me.

The next week, he came around and surprised me by cooking dinner for me. He said he should have been more attentive than he had been & took responsbility for why I had wanted to cool things off. He also said that he was being stressed & a lot had been weighing on his mind about his professional future. I felt like he really opened up and vice versa.

Last week before flying home to visit family, he called me from the airport. I wished him a good trip and almost a week later, had heard nothing. I noticed he is back online upon returning and I don't hear from him the whole day. NEWSFLASH: he is ignoring me.

Meanwhile, I had got him a small gift for his birthday. I told him about it, but said as he had been so distant it seemed he didn't want to go out anymore? He was really happy about the gift & told me how sweet that was. Then he denied wanting to break it off.

So, I asked him to let me know what he wants? That he can be 100% honest with me. This was last night. He's been online a few times since then and he still hasn't responded. He hates confrontation, but talks things through in person. Why won't he just break it off? Why string me along like this?

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 10-Jun-16 15:02:07

Why don't you break it off if you dont like this?

TheStoic Fri 10-Jun-16 15:05:49

How did you meet? Was he definitely single at the time?

He's not calling it off because...why would he? You're an option and he's keeping his options open.

MsMims Fri 10-Jun-16 15:07:41

Because while he leaves you hanging on for any crumb of affection, he can pick you up and massage his ego when he feels like it.

I would take back control, block him and not speak to him again. He should still be on his best behaviour after a few months.,

KatDubs261 Fri 10-Jun-16 15:09:25

That's the thing. He told me wasn't seeing anyone else and had no intention of seeing anyone else. That he was just busy really with work and studying (this is true, he did just graduate and sometimes he calls me from work when he's working late).

But now, when he's online but not talking to me - I'm thinking - so who are you talking to?

KatDubs261 Fri 10-Jun-16 15:11:38

MsMims, last week when we made dinner for me, he also talked about how sometimes things that are worth having take time to grow. He asked, did I not think so?

Why even bother saying that he recognised he had not been attentive enough and needed to be better, if he just going to act hot and cold?

TheStoic Fri 10-Jun-16 15:13:36

See above. He says what he thinks you want to hear, while you're right in front of him.

His words mean nothing. His actions speak volumes.

Slowdecrease Fri 10-Jun-16 15:13:51

As a PP said why dont you take the initiative?

Loveandstuff Fri 10-Jun-16 15:14:29

He's probably a liar. He could be calling you from anywhere. He's messing with you.

Did you meet him on a online dating site?

KatDubs261 Fri 10-Jun-16 15:15:02

We met online, first online date I've been on. The online profile said he was seeking a relationship.

I've met a couple of his friends, so I don't see how he could not be single. But I have lately been wondering if there is someone else. I asked him this before & he told me no. This was the point where he also told me he hoped I wasn't wanting to keep dating other guys.

FYI: He has not been completely 100% with me since I cooled things off/suggested not seeing each other. With the dinner gesture, I thought he was fine...but I am beginning to think he is really mad at me for doing that.

KatDubs261 Fri 10-Jun-16 15:17:27

Yes. But I did a bit of digging...found out he had won the most prestigious professional award in his entire city a few years back. He has also been completing a Masters while also holding down a job with long hours. And the commute is long. Online stuff I found re his company backs up what he actually tells me.

Usually, I have a feel for people. I did not feel that he was lying to me about work. Maybe, for the first time in 10 years of dating, I've been played...

riceuten Fri 10-Jun-16 15:18:54

I suspect he has more irons in the fire than your good self. Often people who meet on line will meet 2 or 3 different people and will only commit to one at a later stage. He has the "best of both worlds" at the moment. You'd be well advised to let this one go.

Slowdecrease Fri 10-Jun-16 15:23:58

I Think your reaction to him not being in contact whilst away after only a month of dating maybe initially put the wind up him (ie you would take it so seriously that you would feel the need to cool it off) but now he's probably ok with it being cooler it's only a few months after all.

Piemernator Fri 10-Jun-16 15:31:06

I'm afraid you are a you will do for the moment thing. Assist him by dumping him, never ever allow yourself to be put in this position by a man again. They should be bloody grateful you will even speak to them.

KatDubs261 Fri 10-Jun-16 15:37:31

Ugh. He is a very attractive guy, but without sounding conceited, I'm an attractive woman. And I feel like I've got a lot going for me! I can't help taking this personally.

I hate OLD sometimes. People seem to just toss people in the trash for the next one. I thought we had a potentially good thing going.

Slowdecrease Fri 10-Jun-16 15:39:35

Piemernator that's a horrible attitude to have. Why should they feel lucky to be spoken to??!

AnyFucker Fri 10-Jun-16 15:39:44

Why are you waiting for him to break it off ?


memyselfandaye Fri 10-Jun-16 15:41:10

You need to stop constantly checking if he's online, and panicking because he'd been away for a week and didn't contact you early enough on the day he returned is a bit over the top.

You sound like you want constant reassurance that he's thinking about you, he obviously isn't, you want more than he does, he wants a casual hook up now and again, you want the whole nine yards.

He needs to be more honest and you need to be less suffocating.

KatDubs261 Fri 10-Jun-16 15:43:00

I guess I am just really disappointed because the last time we met I felt like we were closer than we have ever been. He opened up to me a lot, told me he is worried about his professional future & that sometimes, if he seems distant, it's because his mind is on that. It's only 3 months but still an investment for me.

I thought we made progress. When I give my energy to something, I give my all. I've tried not doing that, but it's just not who I am. I give myself completely or not at all. It's probably a flaw.

purplefox Fri 10-Jun-16 15:43:49

When did you last see him?

AnyFucker Fri 10-Jun-16 15:45:42

Does "giving your all" involve hanging around indefinitely when it is clear you are on different pages ?

KatDubs261 Fri 10-Jun-16 15:47:38

RE checking he is online, I know, this situation has made me crazy. He contacted me every day, multiple times a day. Even up until his holiday...he does this. Constant contact, then it's tumbleweed.

You've nipped it in the bud about him needing to be more honest! That's why I said he could be 100% honest with me...and now he's ignoring me.

Are men terrified of saying they just want a casual hook up? Surely it's better than creating falsehoods.

ladylambkin Fri 10-Jun-16 15:48:13

Sorry but this seems like too much drama/hard work for just a couple of months in

KatDubs261 Fri 10-Jun-16 15:48:41

Last week, shortly before he went on his trip on the Friday.

Misnomer Fri 10-Jun-16 15:50:03

I've had this with OLD. He's not that interested and is keeping his options open but he wants you to be interested in him and ups his game, a little, if you back off. It's an ego thing. It doesn't matter how much you have going for you, he's not seeing it.

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