Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can you trust again after an affair?

(36 Posts)
Tree101uk Fri 10-Jun-16 13:40:35

First off I must let you know I am a man but I really need some incite from a woman's perspective....
I have been married for 9 years and we have been together for 13. We have two sons (5 & 7) who I love more than anything. However I recently found out that my wife was having an affair with a teacher at my kids school who is nearly 20 years older than her.
Firstly I was very shocked, angry and threatened to throw her out. But she said she loved me and it was all a huge mistake. However since then she has meet up with him again and continued the affair to the point that he left his wife and rented a new house wanting my wife to go with him.
She admits that we were happy before the affair but did say that her desire for me was not what it use to be. She says that she cannot imagine ever growing old with anyone else except for me, that I am a brilliant dad, great husband and a good provider but she has experienced a new partner who is more confident in the bedroom and she says she loves him too but she only sees a relationship with him lasting 2 years if she goes.
I have tried to give her some space and respect that she has a very difficult decision to make but I am now getting to the point where I want to end it because she can not make a decision either way.
I never thought I would be in this position and I certainly never wanted someone else partly bringing up my children.
I still love her but can we get past this??? Can desire come back???

dillydotty Fri 10-Jun-16 13:49:08

Wow, I guess it is good she is being honest but she is being very hurtful with the things she is saying.

The simple answer is that you can't fix it on your own, she needs to be totally on side too, that doesn't appear to be the case here though.

I think I would call her bluff and leave so she sees what she would be losing. The gamble is though that one or both of you may realise you prefer being apart.

dillydotty Fri 10-Jun-16 13:51:59

The bedroom comments are harsh but remember everything is always exciting with a new partner especially when it is 'forbidden '. The novelty wears off pretty quickly though, especially when real life of kids and bills comes into play.

oncemoreuntothebreachoncemore Fri 10-Jun-16 13:52:31

'I have tried to give her some space and respect that she has a very difficult decision to make'

She doesn't have a decision to make. You do. This is your life, and only you should be in the driving seat.

Trust can come back, but only if the person who has had the affair does everything they can to prove they can be trusted. Cutting contact with their affair partner, being open and honest at all times, sharing passwords to phone/PC/etc, acknowledging and taking responsibility for what they have done without trying to blame their spouse as a minimum.

You have to make her leave, as that is the only way you will make the situation real to her. At the moment she has her family life, and her affair partner. Why would she do anything to change that? She'll come back when she see what she stands to lose but I'd caution you about taking her back. It is very very hard to bounce back from an affair.

VoyageOfDad Fri 10-Jun-16 13:53:43

You can forgive someone once, a second time ?

She's having an affair and telling you she sees her future with you. Those two things don't co-exist, one of them is a lie.

Tree101uk Fri 10-Jun-16 13:56:06

Thanks dillydotty for your reply..
I have thought about leaving but I then think about what we have had and what future we could have if she committed.
The worst thing for me is that she suffered really badly with postnatal depression with our second child and even though I was so lonely I never thought about some company elsewhere I just stood by her and helped as much as I could.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass Fri 10-Jun-16 14:01:59

if she really wanted to have a relationship with you there wouldn't be any decision to make. How cruel is she to say those things to you and keep you dangling whilst she weighs up who is the better deal. She obviously has no respect for you so please have some for yourself and do not enable her terrible behaviour.

winkywinkola Fri 10-Jun-16 14:10:19

She's treating you so very badly.

She has to leave. She should go to her lover.

I would be icy and distant myself. To protect myself.

Aren't you angry that she's treating you so badly?

She genuinely thinks she can do what she likes with you including shagging around behind your back.

Yuck. She's disgusting.

dillydotty Fri 10-Jun-16 14:48:02

As we always say to women in this position, please take a trip to the clinic. You no longer have the reassurance of a monogamous relationship so protecting your sexual health is of the upmost importance. It's a crappy thing to have to face but it is important.

Tree101uk Fri 10-Jun-16 14:53:47

I do think she is taking advantage of my good nature but also because she knows I do not want to loose the kids.

wherearemymarbles Fri 10-Jun-16 15:08:21

It comes accross as if she is saying 'let me get this out of my system, then I'll come back to you.'

And if she does come back will you ever be able to trust her.?

currently everything is on her terms where it should be on yours.

ChocolateChangesEverything Fri 10-Jun-16 15:16:44

I think a good marriage should take into about 2 people's feelings. She doesn't appear to be respecting or considering your feelings at all. Or even putting the needs of her children above her own.

As long as you allow her to walk all over you I think she will. If you can't do it for yourself - do it for the children. This is not an example of a good relationship for them to be a part of.

Personally I would ask her to move out for a while. A few weeks or a month. Tell her you both need some space. I'm not sure how you arrange the childcare in that time or if it is possible for you, but I really think she is being quite cruel in putting your needs last and you both need some space to re-evaluate just what is going on.

ChocolateChangesEverything Fri 10-Jun-16 15:20:18

.. And from what you have said in your post I think you recognise the trust issue here (I.e you can't trust her). When it was found out (how was that by the way? Did she confess?) she said that it was an awful mistake .... And then presumably started seeing him again behind your back.

She is not respecting you as her long term partner/husband/friend and father of her children at all.

Tree101uk Fri 10-Jun-16 15:24:02

ChocolateChangesEverything... We did have a week apart last week and she says she missed being at home. We did talk about having a longer separation but she will move straight in with him as she says she has no where else to go. We live in a small town so everyone will know. Already I have received a couple of texts commenting that her car was not at home all last week.

Tree101uk Fri 10-Jun-16 15:26:24

I found out as I cam home early one night from the station and could not get in my house as a key was in the door. For some reason I had a gut feeling something was wrong and when she eventually opened the door pretending she was asleep i walked straight through the house and found him trying to get out of the back door....

Piemernator Fri 10-Jun-16 15:27:27

I actually couldn't be arsed to find out if I'm honest.

smilingeyes11 Fri 10-Jun-16 15:30:08

Tell her to leave and go to him then - why would you want to stay. And I agree about STI testing. She has already made her choice. Don't wait around to be an option when it all goes wrong with him. You need to toughen up and get angry fast.

ChocolateChangesEverything Fri 10-Jun-16 15:35:48

You poor thing. That is just awful. She is behaving appallingly. I understand the pressure of living in a small town/village too. But really try to ignore everyone else and their opinions. If they knew everything most people would be utterly supportive of you. Can you try some kind of couples counselling? Involve someone impartial to talk through these issues. I am really bothered by her total lack of respect towards you.

purplefox Fri 10-Jun-16 15:38:53

She's made her bed, she can go and lie in it. You're letting her treat you like an idiot. You let her come back once and she did it again, do you really think that she wouldn't do it again knowing she can just talk you around into taking her back?

If she really wanted a future with you she wouldn't have done anything to jeopardise that, never mind doing it twice.

she says she missed being at home

Everyone misses home after a week away.

Herald Fri 10-Jun-16 17:23:16

I am a man who was cheated on and when I found out I got all the details and I mean everything, I don't understand how you can contemplate being in a relationship with someone who shows you absolutely no respect whatsoever.
She has not just had a drunken fling (which I still wouldn't forgive) but she has cheated on two occasions that you know of and thrown it in your face including sexual performance comparisons...you need to tell her to leave , in time you will be happier the children will be fine and your self respect will be intact.

I doesn't matter what the locals think walk around with your head held high (as I did) because YOU have done nothing wrong .

RedMapleLeaf Fri 10-Jun-16 17:28:57

I have thought about leaving but I then think about what we have had and what future we could have if she committed.

I think that you want a future that doesn't exist any more.

DrMorbius Fri 10-Jun-16 17:30:51

Can you get trust after an affair

I don't even understand the question. She has not asked you to trust her, she is still fucking some other bloke.

I don't understand blokes on MN whose DW have affairs. They all seem to blindly want to ignore their DW's infidelity. I can only assume it's a belief that they will lose the DC's.

Op, wake up, sorry to be blunt, but your trollop of a wife is sticking another mans dick in her and refuses to stop. Your sham of a marriage is over.

Say nothing, see a solicitor, decide what you want out of the split (including havng your DC's) get a plan, execute plan. Your marriage is over. Start to act accordingly.

madmother1 Fri 10-Jun-16 17:32:24

Honest answer? No. Even now after 20 years it still hurts. We stayed together for the sake of the children, but eventually split up as I just hated the feeling of everything being spoilt. Good luck in whatever you choose. 5 years down the line for me. I'm at peace and happy. I cannot imagine ever meeting another man though.

Herald Fri 10-Jun-16 17:33:37

**but she has experienced a new partner who is more confident in the bedroom.

I don't want to be harsh but if my current partner cheated twice and told me that I wouldn't need advise on what to do

RedMapleLeaf Fri 10-Jun-16 17:36:50

This isn't a case of "after the affair" is it?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now