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Advice please- I've been an idiot.(5 Posts)
I am in a terrible head space at the moment, suffering a chronic bout of depression that has lasted over a year, and a moderate alcohol problem. I am trying to get help for these, so this isn't what this post is about, just wanted to give some background.
Possibly as a result of the above I have made some very poor decisions in the last year, and behaved in a very bad way, not in keeping with my normal self. I am still in love with my ex partner, and father of my daughter, although when my illness started i pushed him away and moved out, believing that i didnt love him anymore, and actually slept with someone he knows. I do not know why or how i behaved so badly, im still shocked myself.
I then went on a rampage of casual sex, alcohol and drugs. He is obviously very hurt by all this (we live in tight knit area and gossip get bandied about freely), however has remained a very decent person, looking after our dd and offering me support/encouraging me to get help. I am still in love with him but know that he wouldn't take me back (and i wouldnt expect him to). Even if me and him are not together all i want is to stop drinking, manage my depression and be a good mum. However, words are easy, and I know that I am not there yet.
During this time I have become close to someone else, who I believe is also emotionally unstable, and drinks too much. However, he is a decent person and has been there for me countless times, whilst we've gone around drinking, taking drugs and sleeping together. The problem is that I am well aware that I do not want a proper relationship with this person (I have made that clear), and that, much as i care about this person, our relationship is destructive, due to the fact that we both enable each others destructive behaviours. I have tried to distance myself, but somehow we always bump into each other and end up together.
Recently I found out something which made me distance myself even more from this person, and as a result he got very depressed, stopped eating, drank too much, took loads of drugs, and had a bad accident, he seemed so depressed that i was scared that he would actually kill himself. I do not want this person to feel like that, as i care about them deeply, so i spoke to them. The thing is that, despite me being honest about my ex, i feel like this person is placing all their happiness on me, and the idea that we might get together, this is my fault, as I have given this impression by the amount of time we spend together, and the fact that i really do care about them. But rationally there is no way that this relationship could work.
I am stuck as to how to handle this, when i distance myself I see messages of depression/suicidal etc, and when we are talking he is saying he is happy, everythings good etc. How do I handle this. I know that i should walk away for good, for their sake and mine, but I dont want them to be depressed or do something stupid. I feel like such a horrible person for leading them on, even though my intentions have been entirely honest. I really do care about this person, and enjoy spending time with him, if the situation wasn't so complex then maybe we could have a chance.
Its a really difficult situation that i think needs handling delicately but everything I do is wrong at the moment as my judgement is completly skewed. Please help with this. Also, we have a lot of mutual aquaintences, thought this might be relevant as it inevitably complicates the situation, things get back on the grape vine, we also bump into each other etc. Sorry about the terrible wording and rambling nature of this, as you can tell im not in a great place atm.
You cannot be responsible for someone else's happiness. He cannot make you be with him by threatening suicide if you don't - that's emotional blackmail of the worst kind.
I think you need to tell him what you've said here - you care about him, but a relationship isn't what either of you need and the only thing you can offer is friendship. If he can't accept that, then that's on him.
I'm sorry you're going through tough times right now. I am sure much wiser posters than I will come along soon.
No one's happiness should be 100% on one person. You understand that and that's why you are working on your issues so you can find it in yourself to be happy and stable. Unfortunately, if this person can't understand this themselves, there is nothing you can do for them. You are not responsible for them.
I know how hard this is because seeing someone you care for in pain and knowing that only you can alleviate the pain makes it extremely hard to turn your back. What you have to remember though is that each time you go there to soothe them, it are only applying a temporary plaster, and the second you go and take it out, the wound is once again exposed. That will continue until he learns to heal on his own.
The best thing you can do is not give him mix messages, because in your confusion and lack of clarity as to how to best help him, this is very much what you might be doing, even if you don't see it. You say yourself that he has helped you at times, so clearly you have been dependent on him.
You need to be strong yourself and allow him to do so for himself. Make a pact, each focus on themselves to get better and when you both are stronger, maybe you can see whether you could resume a friendship, but in the meantime, there is no point in helping each other when you can't help oneself.
Thank you so much for the replies, I really think i need to tackle this head on. Its just not going to be an easy or pleasant conversation.
I've often gone in with that intention, then found it too stressful and thought fuck it, why dont we just get pissed and have a laugh, why make ourselves unhappy?. So we go round in circles. Yes i have definitely given mixed messages, even though in my words I have always reiterated that I dont want a relationship, in my actions I haven't, as I do geneuinely care for him.
My thoughts seem to change from day to day as to weather we are good for each other or not, and thats not fair. Not sure when to have this conversation. The pub is not the place, but equally i dont want to invite him over as that might imply a sexual invitation/result in sex.
You don't need to meet to have a conversation- you will just get drawn back in. You owe him nothing. The best thing for him and you is to stay away. Go cold turkey. You won't be able to sort yourself out while he is around, even just as friends.
Sorry to sound harsh op. You need to focus on yourself and get yourself well for you and your family. He will only bring you down more.
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