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Feel weird about drunken incident with BF

(182 Posts)
FrazzledRick Fri 10-Jun-16 04:48:06

It's a bit of a weird one. Been with BF about 3 months. Its been lovely, no issues at all. We went away for a long weekend last weekend. On Saturday, we went out and got really drunk. Well, I was really drunk. He seemed less so, he doesn't really take alcohol very well and often gets sick so he doesn't drink much. I'm making it sound like I'm an alcoholic, I'm not, I was just very drunk this night.

After we had gone to bed and fallen asleep he got up to go to the bathroom in hotel room to be sick. I remember coming round and hearing him. I know I should have got up to see if he was OK but I must have still been pretty drunk and as soon as I registered what was going on, I fell back asleep again. I did this a couple of times.

I'm not sure how long it was until he came back to bed, but I woke up again to him lying behind me talking at me, he was repeating "I know you're awake" and calling me a "bitch" and a "cunt" for not getting up to look after him. I felt really weird and pretended to be still asleep.

The next morning was like nothing had happened. He told me he'd got up to be sick and said "you were still asleep though" and I said "yeah, sorry I didn't hear anything."

I can't stop feeling weird about it. What went on there. Was it just alcohol? I actually don't know why I didn't get up to help him. I feel disturbed about his reaction though.

Heirhelp Fri 10-Jun-16 04:55:05

Alcohol is not an excuse for behaviour. His behaviour is not acceptable. The mn phrase of 'listen when someone tells you who they are' springs to mind

You say that you don't drink much but if you are drinking enough that it is taking a while for you to register what is going on and you are unable to respond then I think it is a good idea to look at your alcohol consumption. But ditch the bf first.

FrazzledRick Fri 10-Jun-16 05:00:17

That's kind of how I feel about it, but then he's been otherwise lovely really?

I'm not worried about my alcohol consumption. I drank too much that night yes and I was going in and out of a deep sleep. But I don't generally drink unless I'm on a night out, I rarely get as bad as that.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 10-Jun-16 05:04:51

I would find an incident such as you've described so unnerving that I'd bin him without further ado and consider myself lucky to have had advance warning of his true nature.

In any event, what took place should be more than sufficient to bring any 'honeymoon period' to an abrupt end and I sincerely hope that you won't ignore the writing on the wall.

FrazzledRick Fri 10-Jun-16 05:11:08

Is it that obvious? I do feel unnerved but it hasn't felt as clear cut as that because things just went straight back to being great again? Except I've now got this nagging feeling that Wasn't at all acceptable.

And also I don't know how to broach the subject "oh yeah, you know that night? I did hear you being sick and I was awake to hear what you said"

I don't suppose that matters. Thanks for the perspectives

Heirhelp Fri 10-Jun-16 05:12:13

Only three months in he should be on his best behaviour. Nobody is horrible all the time, even the worst people are nice at times. Remember abuse always start small and escalated.

TheStoic Fri 10-Jun-16 05:15:53

So that's what he's like when he doesn't think you can see/hear him? After 3 months?

Talk about the mask slipping. I can safely say I would never be alone with him again.

FrazzledRick Fri 10-Jun-16 05:23:06

He has been on his best behaviour - he whisked me off to Rome for the weekend! I was made up and so surprised, it was amazing.

I think what also makes it surprising is I've known him as a friend a long time before we got together so it seems so out of character.

And like I said its mostly been great. Although we were cuddling up in bed and I told him I loved him, it felt like a really lovely moment, and he groaned and sort of laughed and said "don't say it while we're in bed it's so lame" and I felt like a dick. You know when you just feel crushed and your stomach flips? That surprised me too. He apologised afterwards though.

I have started to have major doubts about him, which upsets me because I thought he was at least a good one

FrazzledRick Fri 10-Jun-16 05:26:02

I think it's helping me see clearly to write it all down. They seemed like trivial thjngs in the grand scheme of it but actually I don't think they are

goddessofsmallthings Fri 10-Jun-16 05:27:26

It's not necessary to broach the subject as a simple 'it's been fun but it's no longer working for me and I wish you well blah blah' will suffice to end it without any recrimination.

Howver, while I would tell him in person rather than by phone/text/email, I would take the precaution of breaking the news to him in a public place and preferably NOT in a pub/bar where alcohol may serve to cause unnecessary expansiveness.

bestcatintheworld Fri 10-Jun-16 05:27:44

No sorry, that would be a deal breaker. Scary.

SomeonesRealName Fri 10-Jun-16 05:27:50

I think you're absolutely right to be concerned and if you can walk away at this stage you will likely save yourself a great deal of pain in the future. That's not normal drunk behaviour. Are you OK OP?

SomeonesRealName Fri 10-Jun-16 05:29:26

I don't mean "can" - you absolutely can. I just mean it's good that you have discovered his true nature at such an early stage.

SpinyCrevice Fri 10-Jun-16 05:30:08

OP are you normally given to understatement? He calls you a bitch and a cunt under circumstances where you say he actually had not had that much to drink and you say you have a nagging feeling it wasn't acceptable!!
In your shoes I would have pretended that he woke me up at that point and hoofed it out PDQ but you are where you are.
Basically the problem is how to dump him without him knowing the incident is the reason why surely. You can't seriously consider continuing to see him surely? If he was utterly shitfaced to the point of unable to stand, it would be a tiny bit different not really but he was, as a PP said, just letting his mask slip I reckon.
LTB but don't tell him why.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 10-Jun-16 05:35:01

This is exactly how abuse can start. Lovely lovely lovely then testing your boundaries then lovely lovely lovely. 'Cunt' and belittling your feelings within three months? No no no.

FrazzledRick Fri 10-Jun-16 05:41:45

Ha! I suppose I am a little prone to understatement generally. It's not that I don't see it's not acceptable, it's just that I suppose I felt guilty and maybe not surprised he was pissed off. I think the nice thing to have done was to get up and see if he was OK. I was drunk and in and out of sleep, but I guess I could have, I don't really know why I didn't. So I am excusing him a little I suppose, in that I understand why he was annoyed and was thinking maybe the language could be attributed to drink.

But actually I don't want that. I don't call people names when I'm drunk, I do the opposite! I sort of do think he's not who I thought he was.

I know he loves me though. He's pursued me for years, so I can't fathom why he did that.

FrazzledRick Fri 10-Jun-16 05:43:32

Thank you all for your responses by the way, it's really helping

goddessofsmallthings Fri 10-Jun-16 05:45:09

I freely admit that when I'm home alone I sometimes mutter away to the cat myself and engage in robust conversations with policitians on the tv, but I find thought of someone talking to themselves in derogatry terms about me while I feigned sleep slept beside them utterly chilling as it's akin to a script for a horror movie where the heroine is taken in by a charmer only to discover that he's a mentally unhinged murderer who's escaped from an asylum.

Something like this turns the old adage of 'actions speaking louder than words on it's head and, in the interests of self-preservation, I'd have no hesitation in heeding the words and taking the necessary action.

FrazzledRick Fri 10-Jun-16 05:45:45

And bless you someones! Thanks, yeah I am ok flowers

FetchezLaVache Fri 10-Jun-16 05:46:11

This is exactly how abuse can start. Lovely lovely lovely then testing your boundaries then lovely lovely lovely. 'Cunt' and belittling your feelings within three months? No no no.

Beautifully put, MrsTP.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 10-Jun-16 05:46:34

The gendered swearing is a tell. I can imagine saying something if I was drunk and DH was being awful. But 'cunt'? It's really hateful when used as a swear word in anger. And speaks to something about how he sees women. Along with the Rome trips and pursuing you for years. There something about that that makes me nervous. Mother, maiden, whore stuff I think.

FrazzledRick Fri 10-Jun-16 05:48:06

I know it's not supposed to be funny goddess but your way of writing that has just made me chuckle.

But...and not in his defence or that it makes any difference...to be fair he wasn't talking to himself, he was talking to me, he was convinced I was awake and could hear him...and...I WAS!!!!!!

AyeAmarok Fri 10-Jun-16 05:49:44

I too think he doesn't sound like a particularly nice guy. And that is compounded by the reaction to the "love you" thing - why would you go out of your way to try and make someone feel shit at what is a bit of an emotionally vulnerable time?

Unless you're a dick who gets a kick out of knocking people down to keep them on their toes, or grateful enough with the crumbs you throw them when you decide to be nice because you want something.

WelshMoth Fri 10-Jun-16 05:50:05

I know he loves me though. He's pursued me for years, so I can't fathom why he did that.

Don't feel obliged to enact the 'love story' especially if those around you are part of the 'it was meant to be' scenario .

He did that because his mask slipped when he was a little drunk. He is showing you who he really is. Please listen to him.

FrazzledRick Fri 10-Jun-16 05:52:34

Yeah, I hate "cunt" used like that too MrsT and I am surprised he used it, and bitch as well. It really isn't like the version of him I know.

Maybe the mask is slipping so soon because he has had it on for so long before we got together? I'm not sure about the mother, maiden, whore stuff, but I do feel sometimes that maybe all my little quirks that were at first really endearing are not so cute to him now we are together.

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