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Long thread! Struggling with relationship

(15 Posts)
booandshoe Thu 09-Jun-16 16:28:34

Back story: My partner and I had been in a relationship for a year when I found out I was pregnant. He lives in his childhood home with his parents, I rent a house. This never bothered us because he worked away 4 days a week so we would spend time together at my house when he wasn't working. He was concerned about our housing situation with a baby so I told him that he could move into my house, but he didn't want to as it would mean him quitting his job

He decorated a bedroom in his parents house with the intention of me leaving my home and moving in with them. I explained to him that I didn't want to give up my privacy to live with his parents (who I don't really get along with anyway). We agreed that we would find a new house to rent together in another area so that he could keep his job. This would mean me quitting my job which pays considerably more than his job does. It's my income that would pay rent, bills, etc.

Fast forward to now, we have a beautiful baby. While he was on paternity leave, we spent time between our two houses and we weren't apart for more than a few hours.

Since he's been back at work, I have been at my home, raising our child, paying rent, paying bills, etc, mostly on my own. My partner is still living with his parents and has been staying here a couple of nights a week. His job has changed and he is now only earning approx. £600 per month. This situation makes it impossible for us to rent a house in an area that he wants to live in, as I wouldn't have a job and £600 per month is just not enough for a house.

I tried to explain this to him and, again, invited him to live in my house. He refused again and said that I was being stubborn and unwilling to compromise. He won't understand that living in my house is the only way for us to be together as a family. He genuinely thinks that it's me being stubborn.

2 weeks ago, I decided that I'd had enough of my daughter having a part-time dad and me having a pop-up partner, so I told him he either lives with us properly, or stays with his parents and his job but loses us. He was very upset and said that he wants to be with us, just not living in my house. I feel like all I have done is go around in circles with him about this and I just feel so drained. I ended things with him, even though I love him. Now I've got his mum offering to kick him out, my family telling me that I deserve better, him still trying to convince me that we should try to find a house together (impossible) and I'm really struggling to know what I'm meant to do.

Someone please give me some sort of advice.

Jan45 Thu 09-Jun-16 16:32:04

I would have done the same as you, he seems unwilling to commit, even with a baby and you are now left to do it all, can he only manage part time - is he a mummy's boy - he seems a pretty lame catch tbh, hardly earns any money and doing absolutely nothing to make you feel safe and secure, you did the right thing.

Sassypants82 Thu 09-Jun-16 16:42:18

Why is he not spending his time looking for a new job in the area where your house is?! Once he gets another, he can resign from his job. The only way forward imo.

TheNaze73 Thu 09-Jun-16 17:14:06

Under normal circumstances, I would say give it time, it's only been a year, why on earth would you wNt to rush things so soon & enjoy dating. However, the baby is a game changer & he really needs to step up. If he won't or doesn't, it says all you need to know. Are there any other issues afoot?

Joysmum Thu 09-Jun-16 17:23:24

Did you post about this before?

booandshoe Thu 09-Jun-16 17:33:30

No I've not posted about this before.

No other issues, he's brilliant when he's here it's just that he refuses to live here because it's apparently in the middle of nowhere...

Jan45 Thu 09-Jun-16 17:36:06

So the location of where he lives is more important than being with you and his new baby, are you sure he's not just got it made at mummy and daddy's, sounds a bit immature.

Bee182814 Thu 09-Jun-16 17:41:32

I have some questions:

Why would he have to quit his job if he moved out of his parents house?

When you say 'your house' do you live with anyone else apart from baby? Any other family members living with you?

booandshoe Thu 09-Jun-16 17:45:31

Distance from here to his work. If he lived here, the cost of petrol for him to get to work wouldn't be worth him going to work.

No, it's my house. Just me and baby living here.

historyismything Thu 09-Jun-16 17:58:43

My sons dad is/ was like this! He was all for moving in together until it was time to leave mummy. He was also not a very nice person. Fast forward a few years I met and married a lovely man and we have a DD he also treats my son as is own. Don't waste your time with this man!

Joysmum Thu 09-Jun-16 18:02:18

This really reminds me of a previous thread and there was some fantastic words of wisdom on there can't think what it was called though to link to it so hoping somebody else can.

I think you knew what he was like and are expecting him to change into something he never was going to be.

Personally I think you'd be better off cutting your losses and just coparenting with him so you are free to find somebody more worthy of you.

booandshoe Thu 09-Jun-16 18:32:41

Everybody I speak to at home has different opinions of it, but they can all see that he is wrong. His mum has offered to kick him out so he has no choice. My friends tell me to give him time.

He always says how much he loves us and wants us to be a proper family so how can the location of a house matter this much? How can a job be more important than family? I just don't get it.

ThinkPinkStink Thu 09-Jun-16 18:39:31

Everyone has different opinions because there is no right opinion. Different people need different things from a relationship, some people happily raise kids together living apart (military families for example), some people never spend a night away from their partner from the start of their relationship until one dies.

I'm like you, I'd want to have a permanent partner, in place, with me and our child.

How much of his hesitation is about his job, and how much of it is about letting someone else 'win'? How much of it is founded in deep rooted insecurity that his female partner is the main breadwinner? I don't know, but I believe that you need to decide what YOU need from him, tell him and give him the chance to either be part of a life you're happy with, or not... I really hope he chooses you and your child over ego, an easy life with his mum or principle, but if he doesn't, it's better to know now.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Thu 09-Jun-16 19:51:05

You really don't want his mum to kick him out and have him living with you but resenting it as he has no other option! If she does, tell him he's not moving in anyway grin

I think that his attitude says a lot about priorities. Do not give up your job and your home for someone who is not willing to do the same for you.

HeddaGarbled Thu 09-Jun-16 21:41:07

Can you both sit down and brainstorm all the possible solutions? Write them all down without criticising each other's ideas. Then take some time thinking about the advantages and disadvantages of each.

Obviously, you must not give up your job. He cannot support you and your child financially.

I agree that moving in with his family is not a good idea. But equally, it is reasonable for him not to want to move into your house. He doesn't like the location, it's too far for him to get to work, he would feel like a cocklodger. It is also unreasonable of you to expect him to give up his job.

So what are the alternatives? Sell your house and buy together in a location equidistant from your jobs? He looks for a better paid job? Rent, but in a cheaper area than his preferred area?

You really do both need to compromise. If either or neither of you is willing to do this, then you will have to put up with the current situation until and if circumstances change (e.g. one or both of you progress in your careers and start earning enough to buy in your preferred area).

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