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So disappointed with dh (porn related)

(26 Posts)
Guttedingrimsby Thu 09-Jun-16 12:20:43

I don't know where to start & u guess this will seem all blown out of proportion to some.

Firstly I feel I need to say - I don't have a problem with port per-se. I have watched with dh in the past & had a laugh (after kids, just out of curiosity for me)

He works nights a lot of the time & we're often like ships that pass in the night. So for him to "see to himself" (I feel) is understandable. (I know for others this is a no-no, I personally have no issue - we're talking up to two weeks between time together)

Once before (months ago, on an ipod) I found he had been watching sex online. The reason I found it was because I wanted to check something online & the window was open. I was gutted because one of the kids could easily have seen it.
We had a row at that point & he said he was affronted.

Fast forward to yesterday evening and I opened the ipad to look for something & a dozen or so windows were open.

One of them was the same website as before & had two women in it. I was devastated. Again, any of the kids could have found it.

I spoke to him (shouted, screamed etc) said I couldn't understand why he had to do this. We had made love the night before!! It's not as if I was witholding physical closeness or he had been working shifts.

He apologised, said he'd never look at it again (liar & that's not my issue) why did he needs to look at it? Was I not enough (only hours before) & I'm just annoyed one of the kids could've opened the ipad instead of me.

I can't even look at him. We're largely happy, married 18 years, we get on great, I love him & won't leave him over this, but how do I stop feeling how I do?

He apologised last night, kept apologising but I told him I couldn't bear to look at him.

Has anyone any advice? I'm in work today so I might not be about.

Name changed regular.

BreakingPoint66 Thu 09-Jun-16 12:36:01

Hi,

I had a similar problem with and ex boyfriend. I had no problem with him watching porn, especially as we didn't live together at the time.

I did specify however that if he was watching it at my house I would find that disrespectful, especially as I had a young son. We also watched it together once or twice.

One day I was getting my son ready for nursery and went into my bedroom to get something, only to find him watching porn on his phone and masturbating in my bed. I was furious, as my son could have easily been the one to walk in. And because I had asked him only days before not to do it in my house (I agree with your point about you being there and available for sex, so why is it necessary at that time?)

I broke up with him shortly after, for different reasons.

But I do think that porn is a touchy subject in a relationship. You can be open and admit to watching it but I think your husband needs to make sure he is discreet. Not secretive, but make sure to close tabs and erase history especially if there are children around.

It's hard not to feel insecure when you find out exactly what porn your partner has been watching, to see it for yourself, and I think that is insensitive.

You seem to have a very mature and understanding view on watching porn, so I would maybe reiterate that you are fine with it but a little discretion to save your feelings, and to protect children from stumbling across it, might be needed in this situation.

Lumpylumperson Thu 09-Jun-16 12:45:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cbigs Thu 09-Jun-16 13:05:47

I think there are two issues here, porn in and of itself as in is it morally ok etc is one but the op is asking about porn being used in her relationship . I think the first issue is a different thread has been discussed a number of times
Op I think him leaving it for your kids to find is one thing that isn't acceptable . I guess the other side is whether you think he can uses porn or he can't. It seems like you're saying he can use it when you feel he might need it if that makes sense?

You don't know that he has sex with you and thinks that wasn't enough I'm off to the girl on girl etc ....

I think you need to discuss with him the boundaries because it sounds confusing to me . And why can't you even look at him when you know he uses porn sometimes? It's not news is it?
The being more careful he needs to take on board it's not ok for the kids to find it .

Pinkheart5915 Thu 09-Jun-16 13:14:12

My DH watching porn, I'm not bothered if anything he picks up new things for in bed so I'm not complaining. I know he's happy with me/ what we do in bed so I'm not worried I'm not enough.

However he never leaves the porn page open and when ds ( only a baby) is old enough to use iPads/ computers etc I would expect DH to make extra sure the pages are not left open in case ds was to see.

MrsUniverse Thu 09-Jun-16 13:14:59

If I've read your thread right, you seem to be clouding the issue. You are either ok with him watching porn, or you aren't. You can't say you can watch porn but only at prescribed times or after so long without sex. You need to get your boundaries straight in your own head before attempting to discuss them with your OH.

Secondary to that however you are entirely correct. He needs to ensure that after he's watched whatever the children cannot access it. This is an absolute must and should be discussed separately to any other issues you have with the porn.

LilacInn Thu 09-Jun-16 13:21:59

Keeping it out of children's hands is a valid point but I would otherwise not be policing my partner's viewing choices. He doesn't need my approval to maturbate with or without porn. Nor would I be accepting oversight of what I do privately with my body & brain. Sounds like massive over reaction, OP, sorry.

Guttedingrimsby Thu 09-Jun-16 13:30:15

Yes, it helped putting it all down here.

I think

1) I am OK with him masturbating (with or without visual aid)

2) I'm raging he wasn't more careful as he left it on a device that was sitting in the middle of our kitchen table therefore either child (11 & 14) could have seen it.

3) this is probably the bit that's the weirdest as I felt he shouldn't have needed anything the day after we'd made love. (This is silly but he'd even sent me a message the following morning about how nice it was, how good it was) he even met me in my lunch break yesterday & spent time with me just after he'd been watching it. It hurts. I know if I didn't know it wouldn't hurt, I know this doesn't make sense. And I understand why it seems like an over reaction. I guess it feels disrespectful. Even though if I hadn't found out I'd be none the wiser. (Sorry)

TheNaze73 Thu 09-Jun-16 13:31:25

I'm with lilac The bit about it being reached by the kids is just wrong.

However, the porn bit, wouldn't bother me in the slightest, like you say OP

Jan45 Thu 09-Jun-16 13:33:27

Mad on your behalf, what an absolute disgusting tool, twice now you have found it with porn, every chance the kids have seen it now also, I think he's that used to using it he forgets to shut it down or delete it.

You say you are cool with porn but then say why are you not enough.

Personally I'd find it the biggest turn off possible and I'd find it hard to look at him also, tbh, if he can't give this up, he's not worth having.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Thu 09-Jun-16 13:47:20

I would be furious that the children could stumble across it.
If the children were to find it as its easily accessible - wouldn't that become a safeguarding issue?

Would that make him think twice about leaving it open on the iPad?!?!:
I don't know what my h does. And as long as it's not rubbed in my face it's none of my business really. I think porn can be incredibly damaging.

Unless we had a problem with anything in our relationship though and it was caused by porn , I don't really think about it.

In fact i think our browser settings don't allow access to it. I'm sure sky asked to opt in or opt out and I opted out.

Offred Thu 09-Jun-16 13:48:33

I agree with some others that you are the one here confusing and clouding the issue because you aren't sure what your boundaries/opinions are.

Re your last post:

1. You aren't really ok with him madturbating if you've just had sex though are you? You feel as though him masturbating here with 'visual aid' implies he isn't satisfied with your sex life. Sometimes masturbating is about the opposite. Is it the inclusion of porn which has you upset here because you feel he is looking to other people for sexual satisfaction if he includes porn and therefore not satisfied by sex with you?

2. This is an absolutely valid point.

3. As with 1 above. Masturbating is not connected to having sex, it is a different experience, it doesn't necessarily relate to having had sex or not. The 'if I didn't know stuff' says to me you do care about it whether it is porn or masturbation soon after sex I don't know but the out of sight out of mind thing rarely works when you live with someone. Yeah he's been really flagrant here but if you live with and sleep with someone you will never be able to 'not know' IMO.

FWIW I have a massive problem with porn. That's me personally. You I think need to work out what views you have on porn/masturbation whether they are reasonable and what you need to communicate about your views to him.

Guttedingrimsby Thu 09-Jun-16 14:01:01

When I asked him yesterday if this had become a problem, if he needed to use it even though he'd recently had sex, he said no.

He said often when we have sex it makes him want it more. He went to bed as he was working last night (split shift) & as far as I can make out, had a wank before sleep.

I can't figure out why the window was still open on ipad. Carelessness. And he was annoyed he had upset me. It's a device mainly only used by him. The kids never would use it, but there's always the chance (ds & I took silly photo booth pix on it the night before, what if he'd picked it up to look at then again? )

I need to talk to dh. Like I say, I want to get over this. But first I need to clarify my thoughts & get over the hurt.

Thanks for the advice & for not telling me to LTB. I've a lot if thinking to do.

I've just finished my lunch break so excuse me if I don't post again until later.

peggyundercrackers Thu 09-Jun-16 14:01:44

I don't think sex with a partner and masturbation have anything to do with each other. just because you have sex with someone doesn't mean you don't fancy a bit of masturbation an hour later

Pinkheart5915 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:07:16

peggy I agree you make a very good point

TheNaze73 Thu 09-Jun-16 14:37:09

I agree too peggy Some people like sex 3 times an evening & some twice a week. If men or women have urges in between & it isn't interfering with sex, what's the problem?

whattodowiththepoo Thu 09-Jun-16 14:44:31

You don't get to decide when he masturbates, it's literally none of you business if he does it the day after sex or the hour after.
Leaving porn out for children to see is completely wrong and it's ridiculous it's happened twice now.

Guttedingrimsby Thu 09-Jun-16 17:10:31

Whattodo, no I know I don't.

I'm just very confused right now & don't even understand what I'm trying to say myself.

Thanks to everyone who took time to read my ramblings & respond.

Jan45 Thu 09-Jun-16 17:17:21

OP, just because some posters are A ok with their partner using porn it doesn't mean you have to, we don't all have it in our homes or need it, you are entitled to set your boundaries and if porn use is one of them then that's your call, your line, whatever you want to call it.

It's being rubbed in your face and possibly your kids because he can't be arsed to cover his tracks.

Thing is, he could be watching webcams or anything, it would not be something I would be ok with, do not dismiss your feelings as unimportant, they are.

Guttedingrimsby Thu 09-Jun-16 20:41:00

He's not watching webcams. It's the same site & always woman on woman.

I get that it's fantasy, I get that it's his body.

We had a ceasefire chat this evening & he just said he can't think why he didn't a) close the window or b) delete the history.

He has said if it upsets me he won't look again - this is muddy for me as I don't think it's looking at it that's upset me. I know he looks at it from time to time, it's not like he needs it for our sex life, we do have regular sex (when he's not on odd shifts) so I'm not concerned that porn is replacing sex with me.

He is annoyed he left it on there & has apologised lots of times. He's gunked that the kids could easily have seen it - he has asked how he can make things right.

It's all very well, but my head is all over the place & I'm still upset at him.

But thanks again.

Slowdecrease Thu 09-Jun-16 22:30:47

My partner said just the other day that he would watch porn more when he was having more sex as he was feeling more switched on and horny as a whole and watch it less when he was having less sex as he wasn't feeling as frisky. That made sense. The problem is him leaving it open, that's irresponsible - but the other stuff, try not to take it personally, it has no reflection on how attracted he is to you, its more like scratching an itch IMO.

Pinklady856 Tue 14-Jun-16 14:03:55

I've had this problem with my OH before. I was pregnant at the time when I discovered a lot of different porn sites in his phone history which made me feel sick. And like you there was not a lack of sex or anything. It still affects me now eg last night sitting watching big brother, two young girls getting their tits out and me walking out the room nearly crying because I know secretly he likes that sort of thing and the fact that my tits do not look like that 2 kids later sad it really took a toll on my self esteem and I'm constantly checking his phone like a mad women.

adora1 Tue 14-Jun-16 14:09:44

That's awful Pinky, the thing is if women were watching porn as much as these guys are I bet they'd feel shite too - so why do it, or why make it obvious they are doing it, at least have the gumption to keep it away from children's eyes and not rub it in your OHs nose - some couples actually can live without porn, honestly, it's not a necessity in life!

IfNotNowThenWhenever Tue 14-Jun-16 14:13:15

I'm surprised anyone with kids can access porn on a device linked to the home Wi Fi. I can't look up adult content on my home laptop or tablet -the wi Fi blocks it. I do monitor my son's Internet use but this is an extra safeguard as tablets are so damn easy to snaffle off and look up inappropriate stuff.
Can you get your Wi-Fi settings changed?

peggyundercrackers Fri 17-Jun-16 13:20:46

If onto wifi settings are way to get around, a ten yr old could do it. Just because you have controls on your wifi for means absolutely nothing.

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