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I need help with relationship paranoia please!!(12 Posts)
Apologies for a long moany "me" post, but I'm driving myself crazy and I'd really welcome some opinions.
I've been seeing a man I met through OLD for nearly 2.5 months. We're both 48. It's going really well - we get on brilliantly, have lots of laughs, great sex - all good. We spend about 3 evenings a week together (not overnight as I have young kids so it's too soon for that), lots of texting in between, phone calls sometimes, and we're both very open about how much we like eachother.
His marriage ended about 3 years ago when his wife met someone else, but he also told me that he'd had a "thing" with another woman a couple of years before that, which he thinks was the first nail in the coffin. It wasn't exactly an emotional affair, as I don't think it was ever reciprocated. It was more of a crush that lasted a few weeks - flirting etc - a mutual friend found out so he confessed all. They had a nasty few months but worked through it. He massively regrets it, says he's never done anything like that before or since. The woman concerned was about 20 years younger than him, which is significant.
Anyway, last night on my facebook newsfeed a message popped up saying he was now friends with someone. Facebook does this doesn't it - tells you when one of your friends becomes friends with someone else. Weird! She's 20-something and stunning, and on one of her profile pictures from a few weeks ago he's "liked" it and commented on what a nice photo it is, saying "If only I was 20 years younger lol". This exchange took place about a week after we'd met, but he's only just become friends with her - no idea how that works but facebook is a mystery to me! I think he may work with her, as she appears to be in the same industry as him and they have mutual work friends. (just to clarify, she isn't the one he had the crush on years ago, I know this for certain).
And this is where I get crazy! I've managed to convince myself that he fancies her because he has form for going for a younger model. I feel old and frumpy, while she is gorgeous.
I can't ask him about it because I'll just look silly and paranoid, but I can't stop worrying about it. I hate social media and the stalking ability it gives you. We often message eachother on facebook, so whenever he's "active" on facebook but not messaging me, I'll convince myself he's chatting to her!
Why can't I just believe him when he says he really likes me, and just enjoy this, rather than looking for problems? Actually I know why - I always feel if I can see something coming it won't be as painful as if it takes me by surprise - but I'm in danger of destroying it with worry aren't I.
Am I being irrational? Or would anyone else worry like this? Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated!
I think you're worrying totally unnecessarily. So you've been with him since, April?? That's no time at all & you are already getting your knickers in a twist over nothing I think.
He's chosen you for a reason, stop snooping and enjoy the moment. Good luck.
Hi. Are your worries due to his previous 'thing' or have you had something happen in your past relationships? Either way I sympathise as am exactly like you and worry. I suspect like a lot of men he's doing it to give himself a bit of an ego boost. How do you think he'd react if you asked him about her?
My worries stem primarily from my own insecurities. No specific incidents - just lots of relationships which included a few cheats over the years. Also his previous "thing" makes it seem a possibility.
I think if I mentioned it he'd think I was crazy. It's way too early in the relationship to show such insecurity, and it could put him off me.
Luckily I'm good at faking chilled-out-ness, I just wish I could genuinely feel it too!
Beware of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are trying to discreetly snoop and have ideas in your head about things that might well not be true, your manner will change. And this early into a relationship it may not survive you coming across as a bit insecure / jealous. If he's going to dump you for a younger model then 1) he isn't worth dating anyway, 2) no amount of worrying about it will stop it happening, and 3) there are blokes out there who are better suited for you (you may just have to search hard to find one). Instead of thinking the worst focus on your good qualities, instead of thinking he's chatting with her automatically assume he's talking to his best mate or his cousin in Australia, and make a mental note of the good things he says to you, so that when you're doubting yourself you can go back and recall how much he likes you.
"If only I was 20 years younger lol" Not keen on that statement, I have to say. That would put me off someone I was otherwise interested in. Sounds a bit dirty-old-man.
His previous affair must have been more than an unreciprocated crush for a friend to find out and tell his wife, surely? He may well be minimising what happened.
Question: if you knew that he'd had a full blown affair while married would that be a deal-breaker?
And FWIW I'm in a fairly new relationship too. I asked my boyfriend about something on Facebook recently. He explained. No drama or insecurity on either side.
I'm certain he's not minimising, due to various other bits of the story. I'm not sure if a previous full-blown affair would be a deal-breaker. I'd like to think it would be, but you know how it is when you like someone - you tell yourself that things they did years previously were due to a set of circumstances that no longer exist. Rightly or wrongly.
Yeah, also not keen on that statement, he should have more self-awareness for someone whose marriage broke up because of a crush on someone 20 years younger, and if they work not ok at all. It's not the 1970's anymore.
However, play it cool OP. Watch, learn and listen.
"If only I was 20 years younger lol"
Do people even say that anymore.
Not a good idea to be FB 'friends' so early into a relationship, where is the mystery, for starters, and too much scope for reading things into comments on photos etc. when there is probs nothing in it at all. As has happened here.
Just over two months in and already paranoid. Not great is it
he also told me that he'd had a "thing" with another woman a couple of years before that, which he thinks was the first nail in the coffin. It wasn't exactly an emotional affair, as I don't think it was ever reciprocated. It was more of a crush that lasted a few weeks - flirting etc - a mutual friend found out so he confessed all. They had a nasty few months but worked through it. He massively regrets it, says he's never done anything like that before or since. The woman concerned was about 20 years younger than him, which is significant.
Are you sure he didn't have an affair? It sounds to me as if you're not sure or he's not telling your everything. Why did he feel the need to confess everything if nothing happened? I don't get it.
If he did have an affair then you have good reason to feel paranoid.
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