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Is this what life from the mid forties onwards is like?

(54 Posts)
crossroads3 Thu 09-Jun-16 06:55:52

confused

Am 47. Have 3 dc who are 10, 12 and 14 and a husband who is 12 years older than me. The only physical affection I get (and am able to share) is from my 10 year old.

H does not touch me EVER on a day to day basis yet is very cuddly with dd2 (10) and always trying to cuddle dd1 (12) as well as telling her she is gorgeous and cute (which she is but it is strange being a witness to all of this but being outside it, and thinking that once upon a time he used to feel like that about me sad).

Sex happens only if I initiate it and with very large gaps in between as H is not interested.

I am about a stone overweight (aiming to lose that over the coming 7 weeks if possible) and feel boring, sensible and invisible.

The possibility of flirting with anyone or anyone finding me attractive again seem to have gone out of the window sad.

Is this what the middle years are like sad? A slog with no romance or even being particularly liked to liven them up?

AnyFucker Thu 09-Jun-16 06:57:05

nope

HandyWoman Thu 09-Jun-16 07:27:57

No. Absolutely not. Nothing wrong with with you, except you sound very unhappy and your relationship sounds dead in the water.

Being single would be better than this. Because then you could go out and seek fulfilment in life. And maybe someone to have a better relationship with. Your h can still have a close relationship with your dd's. But just live separately from you.

We only have one life, OP, you can choose to live the next 40 years feeling like this - or not.

DrMorbius Thu 09-Jun-16 07:37:16

Op - has your DH changed?

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 09-Jun-16 07:46:46

Middle years should not be at all like this and this relationship is dead in the water. He has made you feel boring, sensible and invisible.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?

And you as a couple are still together because....

You are both showing your children very damaging lessons about relationships that they could all too easily go onto repeat themselves as adults. You are in a loveless relationship and you are showing them this is their "norm".

Imbroglio Thu 09-Jun-16 07:59:06

It doesn't have to be. I would suggest you go out and cultivate new interests and also show your husband that you are interested in him (assuming you are).

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?

crossroads3 Thu 09-Jun-16 08:02:56

Not sure if he has changed. He has become "older" in outlook I think whatever that means. He has some physical ailments (problems with his feet) that take quite a lot of his physical and mental energy I think. He does a physical job which tires him out. I think he is not interested in sex partly due to declining hormone levels maybe I am kidding myself.

Timely thing happened this morning - Carol the weather lady was on the TV and he said she was unusual for being, amongst other things, "old" and on the TV. I said she is not old - she must be between 50 and 55 and he joked that he "wouldn't fancy that" hmm. I got cross and later asked him what his cut off point was for fancying someone - 38 / 39?? I said that I would not say what he had said about a man and he said that I have confused and he doesn't give a fuck - charming.

But this is what I think has happened - I am past the age where he was ever going to find me attractive... Maybe this is normal given that I am getting to the end of my reproductive years and so, nature wise in any case, do not have to use my "looks" to attract a mate?? Nor would I be able to as am at this point a mature woman?

It all feels rather bleak though. Maybe losing weight and sorting out my clothes will help me feel better?

whattheseithakasmean Thu 09-Jun-16 08:07:18

I think losing weight and sorting out your clothes may be positive, but they don't address the issues, which is your marriage. It does not sound happy or fulfilling. A long marriage and middle age does not have to equal bleak, untouched loneliness and nor should it.

Your DH is 12 years older than you & sounds like he has given up, to an extent. You are in your prime and far from over being sexy and desirable. I think that you are reaching a crunch time in your marriage when perhaps you both want and need different things. Do you want to stay with this man for the rest of your life?

crossroads3 Thu 09-Jun-16 08:07:23

I have tried to tell him how I feel about the lack of sex and affection yes. Not sure he really takes anything on board. He might make an effort to sleep with me once and then it goes back to normal. I suppose if he has come to the "end" of his own sex life in his head then I can't force him to do something he no longer seems to be interested in?

I show an interest in his work. We talk about the kids. It is difficult to talk on a more personal level as he gets very defensive.

crossroads3 Thu 09-Jun-16 08:10:20

Separating would be very difficult and traumatic. We get on OK on a day to day basis. We chit chat and are friends. Not sure I want to stay with him long long term as there is loads more living I want to do and he is more solitary and insular than I am.

UpYerGansey Thu 09-Jun-16 08:11:08

Definitely not. I'm 46 and my life is more exciting now than it was 10 years ago.
My marriage was floating face down. Had been for a long, long time. Together almost 20 years, 2 children.
No sex, no intimacy, little shared interests - but not "bad" - ie,. no fighting etc. I think we'd gone past even that. I was utterly miserable.

We've had "the conversation". We lead independent lives but parent together. I'm dating (casually) and its good.
No idea what the future holds, but life seems to be worth living again even if it's a bit scary (last night I dreamt I jumped off a cliff - but crucially I survived the jump!)
Invest more time in yourself, for now. Exercise, make more time for your own friends. Get out of the house and start enjoying yourself and make the space in your head to reimagine your life.
Wishing you well OP

Zumbarunswim Thu 09-Jun-16 08:14:20

He sounds like the problem! I doubt carol the weather lady would be bothered about him fancying her or not!!!! Don't let him drag you down flowers

Thymeout Thu 09-Jun-16 08:14:52

You are 47 and your husband is 59. Did you not anticipate that there might come a time when you would want different lifestyles? Before you had 3 dcs with him?

I don't think you can be totally selfish and take off for pastures new at this point. Just think of the devastation you will leave behind you. All because you'd like the flirtation and buzz of a new relationship?

I agree with Imbroglio. Talk to your dh. Try out new interests. Find something new you can do together. Reconnect as people, not just parents.

musicposy Thu 09-Jun-16 08:17:51

No, this really isn't right. I'm 49, DH is 50 and he still clearly finds me attractive (well he's certainly up for any action!). We have a good sex life, it maybe takes a bit longer than 10 years ago but still good.

We have teen DDs. He's brilliant with them, supportive, will hug DD2 when she's having yet another exam meltdown, will tell the girls they look lovely if they ask him. BUT his relationship with them is much as it always has been, in that they're his children and I'm very much his wife, if that makes sense. I never, ever feel the boundaries are blurred or they're getting affection I should be.

You're not past the age for men or your DH to find you attractive. I think I look like an old crone half the time but DH clearly isn't bothered - we're ageing together. The problem is squarely with your DH who tbh, doesn't exactly sound like a young adonis either!

I'm not sure what to suggest but things should be much better for you than they are. Challenge the no touching and affection. You really don't want another 30 years like this.

crossroads3 Thu 09-Jun-16 08:22:24

I don't want to "take off" or split my kids' home up, which is why I am here.

Yes I should maybe have anticipated that the age gap was too big.

I don't want the buzz of a new relationship, I want to feel that my husband loves and desires me....

He is not the easiest of people - he is interested in going out as a family sometimes but not with me on my own though I could try asking him to do something as I haven't for a long time.

I doubt carol the weather lady would be bothered about him fancying her or not!!!!
grin

crossroads3 Thu 09-Jun-16 08:24:17

they're his children and I'm very much his wife, if that makes sense. I never, ever feel the boundaries are blurred or they're getting affection I should be.

You have expressed what I was trying to say musicposy.

MatildaTheCat Thu 09-Jun-16 08:28:04

Thymeout, the problem isn't her dh's age, 59 isn't particularly old and certainly not sliding into dotage. The issue is that he doesn't touch her, show any physical affection or care about intimacy.

Op, only you can gauge if the situation is recoverable or even recoverable enough for you. Sure, you can jog along being mates but sadly I doubt anything much will change unless you make the changes.

A lot of men actively dislike it when their wives lose weight and sort out their wardrobes as they perceive it as a threat. That's not to say don't, just don't expect him to love it.

Have The Talk. If he fails to take you seriously suggest counselling. Many on here say breaking up would be too hard and for some it is but lots more come back and say it was the best thing they ever did.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 09-Jun-16 08:32:28

"It is difficult to talk on a more personal level as he gets very defensive".

And why do you think that is?. Its likely because he knows his actions are wrong but its easier instead to blame others. He is not seemingly all that interested in what you have to say. My guess as well is that he has always been somewhat defensive but has just become worse with age. And he is not all that old either.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here; they are seeing an awful lot more than you perhaps care to realise. They see the lack of overall interaction between you as mum and dad and think that is normal as well. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships?.

crossroads3 Thu 09-Jun-16 08:35:52

"Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships?"

No but how it is at the moment is much better than a divorce would be - for them and maybe for me too.

Jimjamjoos Thu 09-Jun-16 08:36:08

In the first instance I would start to create a life for myself as if I was single, and by that I mean start indulging yourself. Start exercising, hair revamp, new clothes. Start meeting friends regularly and maybe having some mini breaks together etc. Create the life that you want for yourself, this way you will not be missing out on life and it won't be passing you by.

Turn to other women for fun. Concentrate on you. Then you can have another look at your marriage. Your kids are nearly all in secondary school; surely this is the time when you get to be free!!!

crossroads3 Thu 09-Jun-16 08:36:12

Yes he has always been defensive.

VulcanWoman Thu 09-Jun-16 08:38:00

Doesn't sound like he wants to even try.
Lay your cards on the table, give him an ultimatum, then follow through, life is just too short. I'm all for working at marriage but still.
Oh and Carol Kirkwood the weather presenter gets bombarded by X Rated fan mail, sounds like you husband is trying to deflected from his own issues.

crossroads3 Thu 09-Jun-16 08:38:20

start indulging yourself. Start exercising, hair revamp, new clothes. Start meeting friends regularly and maybe having some mini breaks together etc. Create the life that you want for yourself, this way you will not be missing out on life and it won't be passing you by.

Yes this is what I am going to try to do. The idea of revisiting the marriage and how it is later is very appealing as I am sick of worrying / thinking about it!

OllyBJolly Thu 09-Jun-16 08:38:52

Met the love of my life at 44 and got married at 51. Began a new career at 42, and started my own business at 48. Mid 50s, I don't think I've ever been happier. I'm happy with how I look. I did spend a lot of my 30s clinically depressed, overworked, skint and stressed.

Your issue is nothing to do with age so don't accept that. Your relationship isn't working and you either have to change it or end it.

crossroads3 Thu 09-Jun-16 08:39:37

sounds like you husband is trying to deflected from his own issues.

Yes maybe - he talks about how he is depressed by the physical state he feels he is in quite often.

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