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Split with partner.. No one to turn to

(10 Posts)
TableDesk Wed 08-Jun-16 19:47:25

'Partner' lives 90 miles away. Seen eachother every other week roughly with a couple of over nighters, have been to his house etc . No one knew of this relationship. It was intense. He was intense. Everything about us was intense, the level of contact, the sex, the passion. Im usually level headed & non passionate about anything, except when it comes to him. Seeing him from January time but kept it under wraps from anyone due to his circumstances of splitting from ex around 6mths previous.

He told me he didn't want anything serious as only out of LTR. OK, neither did I. Then everything changed v quickly. He told me he loved me, wanted to have my children, total perfect partner. I held back until I could take it no more then I broke & I told him I had all the same feelings for him but was so hesitant to get in so deep so quick. He assured me all was fine. Blissfully happy, or so I thought.

Obviously no one knew I was with anyone and got approached by an ex FWB.. I obviously told Partner, he told me to go for it hmm as although he loved me and all the other bullshit stuff still stands, he's still still on tinder etc chatting to other women as he doesn't want another relationship just yet sad

I told him I can't be available like this. Him saying all the things any woman wants to hear, the best he's ever been with, the emotional connection, having amazing sex & really caring about him, with the possibility of him meeting someone on tinder. He said he didn't have to tell me but wouldn't lie to me & couldn't guarantee he wouldn't sleep with someone but doesn't understand how heartbroken and cannot carry on as normal.

Please tell me I'm not in the wrong here when I say I can't carry on like this? I have so many feelings for him, he's my first thought in the morning & last at night. I am genuinely physically hurting right now and am at the lowest point of my life.

something2say Wed 08-Jun-16 20:40:09

I'm with you. It's too intense, too much. And he says go for it with other men? That's the biggest thing.

Pull back. dont have to end necessarily but it's not a good start is it. I'm sorry xxxxx

booksandcoffee Wed 08-Jun-16 20:51:42

flowers painful as it is, all I can see working for you to resolve this is your giving him an all or nothing ultimatum. Some believe in polygamy, but if you don't then you should not have to endure it. If he really loves you he will commit to you. If he doesn't then he is feeding you what you want to hear and you are better off out. Good luck.

eatsleephockeyrepeat Wed 08-Jun-16 21:00:49

Random anecdote for you: my baby has food allergies. His doctor told me allergies can be severe or mild, and that I (as his mother) might have mild allergies I'm not aware of. He asked if there were foods I either naturally avoided or craved... Craved, I asked? Apparently yes. Craving something intensely, it's not normal, it can indicate your body is having an abnormal reaction to what should just a normal enjoyment. That thing is probably bad for you.

So there's the point. Anything that intense, even good intense, you gotta know it's not good for you. Good, wholesome, healthy and enriching relationships, much like food, don't feel like that. They're satisfying but not overwhelming. They feel nice, not like you need to catch your breath!

The battle is weaning yourself off the rush and knowing you want something better for yourself. Something sustainable that you can continue to enjoy for a looong, long time. Of course you can have this crazy love, or any crazy love if you like. But I wouldn't. It won't go well for you, but you know that. There's something so much better out there for you, promise.

Resilience16 Thu 09-Jun-16 06:42:55

Hi there the things that strike me from your post are firstly the fact the relationship was secret...Don't get that, why? My thought would be because he isn't actually single.
Same with the fact you only see him infrequently . I would put money on the fact he is actually with someone else (or multiple someone else's) and he is probably feeding them all the bullshit he has been feeding you.
He is stringing you along. Told you all the stuff you wanted to hear about marriage and kids just to keep you interested. Now he has got you hooked he is playing you. If you are prepared to put up with this he will carry on stringing you along, reeling you in and leaving you dangling when it suits for as long as it suits him.
He has no intention of any kind if commitment other than turning up for a secret shag when it suits, and has pretty much said the same to you.
Is that what you want? If not you need to wake up and smell the coffee as this guy will keep on manipulating you for as long as you continue to let him.
Do yourself a favour and walk away now. You deserve better.

TableDesk Thu 09-Jun-16 15:45:46

Thanks all for your replies. Nah he's defo single as he literally works, goes home & is in text / facetime contact with me every evening til early hours. We didn't tell anyone as it would put the cat among the pigeons with his ex...

I hate ultimatums. Ive told him I won't be about if he's texting / meeting other females. He says OK but you know I love you, I always will bullshit bullshit etc. He does not get when I say I'm obviously not enough for him as he feels he has to deviate from me.

He says hes not ready for a relationship. A relationship to me is is serious stuff, which I don't want either just atm. I just don't want him chatting / shagging other women when he says he loves me & all the rest, AIBU? It screams mightily of him stringing me on but when questioned he says he really does mean all the things confused

I love the allergy analogy. It/ he is like a craving / addiction sad & as another poster said it's too intense to be viable.

I'm going out of my mind... Im thinking of signing up to tinder to see what bullshit he is spouting there but I know I'm only going to end up a wreck.

I just can't get my head around how someone can say all the things but not follow them through by not guaranting he won't shag someone else sad how can I make myself 'enough' for him so he won't wander or feel the need to stray?

Jan45 Thu 09-Jun-16 16:00:57

Because he's a bullshitter that's how he says it to you and probably all the other women he has on the go, he's told you explicitly to go and have sex with another man as he can't promise he won't do the same (is already) and you are wondering if he loves you, sorry but no, he only appears to love himself.

Up to you but there's no way he's going to treat you with any respect, look at what he has done already!

And please don't go down that route of how you can change to make him want you, really? You should be asking yourself why you wasted time on a complete wanker of a man.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Jun-16 16:15:04

How can I make myself 'enough' for him

We, as women, are NOT put on this planet to do what ever it takes to get and keep a man.
Get this out of your head.

YOU will never be enough for him because his is a selfish twat.
We can all see it.
Why can't you see it?
You are in too deep already and trying to change yourself to keep this inadequate cheating bullshitter.
Please pick your self esteem up off of the floor and walk the fuck away from this one!

And if you aren't using condoms then get yourself to your nearest GUM clinic quick sharp.

And... then get yourself on the Freedom Programme. Attend in person if you can.
It's run by Womens Aid and will help you spot the massive massive red flags you seem to be in goring that are flying in your face for future relationships.
You need to set boundaries - the Freedom Programme will also help with this.

But FFS stop with the - 'WHAT CAN I DO??' crap.
You can get rid of this twat - that's what you can do.

Harsh I know but I've read so much on here recently of women putting up with such bullshit it's hard to read. This is another one!

hellsbellsmelons Thu 09-Jun-16 16:16:33


Hidingtonothing Thu 09-Jun-16 16:40:23

I would take the allergy analogy a step further in this case I'm afraid OP, if something causes a bad reaction your best bet is to avoid it altogether. The intensity of your reaction to this man coupled with his inability/unwillingness to commit means he is bad for you and I honestly think cold turkey would be the best way to protect yourself from ending up badly hurt. Even your current thought process is potentially damaging, considering signing up to Tinder so you can see what he's up to, that's not good even if you don't actually do it. It implies a level of uncertainty which is definitely not healthy, in fact nothing about this relationship sounds healthy to me. Hard though it might be to cut him off completely I suspect it will save you a shedload of pain in the long run, you probably feel you're not strong enough to walk away but it will take a whole lot more strength to endure the emotional roller coaster he will take you on if you stick around. You will find the inevitable end point so much harder after he's sucked the emotional strength out of you, get out now while you're still reasonably intact flowers

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