Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How much 'me time' does your partner allow you to yourself to keep you sane?

(146 Posts)
Candlefairy101 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:05:39

I don't know where to begin but I'll start with a small 'conversation' last night,

DH- what's wrong
ME- stressed
DH- why are you so stressed
ME- not sure think it's because I have three small children (5yr, 21month, 3month) I do the same thing day in and day out even in the weekends
DH- change that then
ME- ok, I'll take one evening of the week to do something
DH- yea there's loads you can do with the kids...
ME- I mean by myself
DH- .......(silence)

DH went to put his shoes away so I said alright I'm gonna pop down BF for a coffee, bottles are already made, baby still asleep...

DH then said 'well I'm going to work' I said' but you just put your shoes away' he said 'yea, because I was going to get a shirt'??? Makes zero sen e but if I say anything he'll just make out in being weird and difficult.

Because I suffer with depression, he will always say that when I'm annoyed and upset with him or kids (very rare to I feel stressed either children but have done last few days as they have been ill) he has the excuse to say that it's my depression playing up. I never know if it is my mental health or its him?

I have been with him since school so I really don't know any different, I have nothing to compare our relationship to but I feel totally lost and crazy!

How much time do you spend on your me time if you have young children just so I know I'm not being unreasonable to ask?

I am a SAHM by choice, I worked and qualified in my trade with my 1st child and choose to take time off with my 2nd and 3rd, I have no money. I have to ask for money which I hate doing, we have a joint account and I have my own, if I have any money in there I leave it because he will take it sometimes and say it's for bills, I really don't know otherwise.

I used to deal with all the money but since the breakdown 3 years ago I've taken a step back, I feel like a child. I am a shell of who I used to be.

I went out to a festival recently, DH very unsociable so didn't go, he silently looks down on me for drinking and socialising so I don't go anywhere anymore, even if I'm watching something like Geordie shore, he'll come in a snicker saying look how stupid all these people are

... It's really hard to explain all this so please bare with me and try to understand blush

I do every night shift, he has never had all three children by him self so how can he even question why I could have been stressed yesterday?

He says that all these years I can't just be happy with what I've got and I am, but I have three children and we live with my parents because he's work is so unpredictable (self employed) few years ago he racked up lots of debts, this was when I had the breakdown and I was pregnant.

At the same time I had to spend 3 weeks on a mental health unit because my depression was so bad, he came to visit me once! I was heavily pregnant, the once time he did come to see me he had a fresh new hair cut and clean clothes a

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 08-Jun-16 11:10:11

I understand.

You feel "totally lost and crazy" because you know deep inside yourself that this isn't right, but here he is telling you that it is.

You're not crazy. Your husband is not being a good husband and partner to you. He possibly isn't even able to be a good husband and partner.

The way he handles the family money as if it's his, and your money as if it's his, is a huge sign of how he thinks.

You deserve better.

Candlefairy101 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:19:59

Sorry too soon!

Fresh new hair and new clothes. He claims he never came to see me because he was looking after our son and working, he could get his self all dapper because he could take our son along, he wouldn't let our son come to the hospital, he didn't want him to see me there.

Ok, understandable. I also find out at the time he was becoming obsessed with a girl down the road, we had been through this lot all before. I've choose to forgive again because his mum said well it's not like he actually did anything with her, men all look.

He's mum plays a larger part with how her son is, she's is the ultimate step ford wife. Tells me when he gets home from work I should run him a bath, put dinner on and let him watch to in the evening.... I nearly spat in her face.

So DH will have children when he gets in, by have them I mean he watches TVs with them on his lap or in the same room, he baths older two every other night and will cook if I need him to, will also run older DC to birthday party.

I've forgot why I started writing this, maybe because I'm a bit lost, I don't know anymore. The most annoying thing is everyone thinks he's an angel, mostly because I tell everyone his good points, I'm not vey good and talking bad about someone. I used to be loud, never took any crap that stopped after my 1st and I think the outside world still see me that way.

My mum pulled me aside yesterday and said she can see it's all an act from him but he's like another son to her because we have been together since school.

I'm only 26, surely I can still see friends? He says that because I've got kids and we're older this is the way life is, in not asking to go to a bloody rave (never have been lol) I'm just asking for some freedom but in his eyes because I've had children that's it now they're stuck to me.

Over the years I have a scrap but of paper in my nicker draw with stuff he has said and done, I never look back at it but I right in it sometimes just so I don't feel like I'm making all this up in my stupid depressed mentally unstable brain. He doesn't have any mental health so surely all that he says and does it normal and my way of thinking is screwed up.

I've told him to leave before and he will text saying 'tomorrow you will call me back because you need me, there's no ways your cope with the kids, because I do everything ' he's right I get scared that I won't cope and I'll text him back.

He says the kids are closer to him anyway and it's just because I'm with them all day and they just see him in the evening.

There's so much I won't to say but I'm afraid I've wrote too much for anyone to read already. Thank you for listening if you've made it to he end sad

squishee Wed 08-Jun-16 11:23:43

Oh this is nasty. He's making you dependent on him.
Whereas I bet your mental health would improve without him around.

Please read this, from the sticky at the top of the Relationships board:

*I shall say this only once.

Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.*

Candlefairy101 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:29:35

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

The thing is, he does do any of this, he will go silent or I read his body language which is so hard to prove, how do I know that I'm making it up, I say to him 'you don't like em going out' and he says' I don't say you never can' which is true so where have I got this idea from, I'm scared to go out because it's almost like a have to repay this time?

corythatwas Wed 08-Jun-16 11:30:49

There is a very good rule of thumb on MN: once your work is done (whether paid work, housework or childcare) you should both have an equal amount of downtime.

Sometimes (if children are ill, in cases of family emergency) that may be very little, but the point is that it is equal. In a good relationship you share each other's burdens and both want the other person to feel good.

What is happening in your marriage is not right.

corythatwas Wed 08-Jun-16 11:32:15

Sorry, don't know why I said "marriage"; any relationship is the same. If you care about someone you don't regard any time spent on their wellbeing as time you need to be compensated for.

Thunderwing Wed 08-Jun-16 11:33:12

You poor thing, these are for you flowers

I can only echo what pp have said, your 'd'h is not treating you very well. One thing that I picked up that you said I do every night shift, he has never had all three children by him self
followed by he will text saying 'tomorrow you will call me back because you need me, there's no ways your cope with the kids, because I do everything ...

Surely you can see that he is talking out of his arse when he says you can't cope with the kids? You are coping because it's only you that looks after them in the way they should be looked after. Sitting in the same room as them while the TV is on and cooking the occasional meal does not a parent make I'm afraid.

You can cope, you are stronger than you think, and you can do better than this man-child. Good luck OP.

Candlefairy101 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:33:40

Thanks for replying everyone.

But because he doesn't like to socialise how can I?

I like to leave the house because I'm here all day, he will say you don't want to do anything on the weekend, but if I try so say go shopping he will say that's he's coming at will bring the kids have lunch.

Because he doesn't want to see friends of an evening and everything has to be equal how am I going to, I think that's where I'm so stuck sad

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 08-Jun-16 11:35:53

Google 'gaslighting'. He is making you doubt everything you know to be true.

You DO deserve a night alone without the kids.
You DO deserve equal access to the household money.
You DO deserve every single thing you want (except Ryan Gosling, he's mine)
I am willing to bet my house that your mental health would improve significantly without him in your life.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 08-Jun-16 11:37:49

You just have to go, sweetheart.

The next time he's sitting on the couch, just call through and say - I'm popping down to BF for an hour - and go. Don't be drawn into a conversation, have your coat and shoes and bag already on, and go.

Candlefairy101 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:38:13

I know I really do, the last time I called him back was because usually when he gets in, he'll have the children while watching tele and I can run off and have a cuppa, sometimes he stands behind me with the baby and I'll say what you looking for and he'll say oh nothing I can in to get my drink, where as I know he just wants me to see him hold the baby.

Having that cuppa helps me recharge for the evening, even when he baths the kids it's like 1/2 hour freedom!

OTheHugeManatee Wed 08-Jun-16 11:41:37

He's working very hard to clip your wings and make sure you stay dependent and frightened. That is not the action of a loving partner.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery Wed 08-Jun-16 11:42:27

he is CHOOSING to not visit friends and that is absolutely fine.

I would make a plan. eg tuesday is his night off thursday is yours.

what he chooses to do is up to him and what you choose to do is up to you. The only agreement is the other watches the kids.

So if he decides he is not going out on his night off. Fine. you still do yours. He made a choice to stay in. you made a choice to go out.

If that doesn't work, OP, it will tell you that he wants you to stay home for a reason. not because you are ill but because he wants you to stay ill.

Candlefairy101 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:45:03

When i wen to the festival, I didn't recognise myself, I was so quiet, couldn't talk to anyone almost like I was constantly on edge. I've been told I have acrophobia.

He says it's because we are 'grown up' now, but surely just because your 'grown up' doesn't mean your a silent mute who actually has no idea how to even laugh anymore.

What if this is it, I never get it back. I might aswell be with him if this is who I am now, I will be alone forever so why not stay with my kids dad and then everyone will be happy, does that make sense? If I'll never be who I was I might aswell stay x

corythatwas Wed 08-Jun-16 11:47:06

"But because he doesn't like to socialise how can I?"

Because you both deserve equal downtime. That doesn't mean you have to spend it the same way. If he chooses to spend his downtime sitting on the sofa watching telly while you are dealing with the children, that doesn't mean you have to choose to spend yours in the same way.

When mine were little I used to spend one week a year at a conference in my subject. Dh doesn't do conferences. But he recognised that this was the equivalent of the getting out of the house and away from babytalk that he managed every day simply by going to work.

corythatwas Wed 08-Jun-16 11:49:49

I am exactly twice your age and this "grown-upness" of your dh seems an alien concept to me. To me, being grown-up is about jointly facing the challenges of life, and then recharging your batteries in any way that happens to suit you. Your dh doesn't strike me as terribly grown-up.

Candlefairy101 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:50:28

Cory I'm going to write down your middle paragraph and mesmerise it to say to him. I have all these things I'd love to say but I forget them all in an instant, it's the most frustrating things because he's so quick, he's like a professional lire aswell and I hate it. White lies everywhere and if I figure them out he thinks I'm 'looking for an argument'. Really wish I was quick with my tongue like i am in my head angry

Candlefairy101 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:52:55

My DH seemed like an angel to me, he never raised a hand and never raised his voice like my dad used to with us and my mum. But sometimes I wish he would so I say to other people what the exact problem is because trying to explain why I'm so upset is had for others to Believe almost like they had to be there?

Ratbagcatbag Wed 08-Jun-16 11:55:38

Everyone above has given you advice on him and your relationship (which is far better than anything I could say) so I'll answer your questions about "me" time. I work ft, dh works ft. I once every six or eight weeks head out to a hotel, meet a lot of people from work, go clubbing, and get very drunk tipsy. Dh picks me up next day after a suitable hangover recovery period. In that time, he takes dd out for the afternoon, does tea, bath and bed, tidies up, gets generally chores done, any night waking and then is up from 6am, does breakfast, takes dd swimming and then to the park. Before he picks me up. Dd is three. I also once every few weeks/month go out with the girls for curry/cinema/shopping for an evening or sat pm. Dh goes to the gym a few times a week and goes on a couple of specific hobby related weekends a year. It's swings and roundabouts.
But, dh never makes me feel guilty, never makes sarcastic comments, and just eye rolls at my hangovers. We also get out once a month together.
It is perfectly acceptable to want time away from the house/children/partners, it is not ok to be made to feel you can't do this.

Ratbagcatbag Wed 08-Jun-16 11:56:15

Oh I'm 33 by the way. Dh is 52. So much older. smile

Thunderwing Wed 08-Jun-16 11:57:04

Candlefairy I can empathise with you totally. Neither DH or I have any kind of social life. We don't have a circle of friends and tbh my DH is happy to stay at home and we rarely go out for anything other than grocery shopping. Although most of the time it's OK, I do admit that it occasionally wears me down a lot and I wish I could go out on my own for some 'me' time too.

Candlefairy101 Wed 08-Jun-16 12:05:44

Do you think the time I ask for my self depends on how many children I have and how old they are?

Thunderwing Wed 08-Jun-16 12:10:07

No Candle I don't.

SomeonesRealName Wed 08-Jun-16 12:10:31

I get quite a bit of me time. My XH, who used to behave uncannily like yours, has DC two days in the week with an overnight and one day at the weekend. Occasionally a bit longer if I go away on holiday or something. I go to an exercise class and often have nights out with friends or my new partner. It's great. I suspect you could do similar if only you got rid of the disgusting bully you're living with - I'm sure stepford wife MIL would have the kids, even if he won't she sounds obliging that way. Even if it was just you and the kids full time believe me it's a million times easier when you're not being abused and controlled.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now