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Pestering/lack of labido

(83 Posts)
Cinnamon5 Wed 08-Jun-16 10:08:06

I would really like some advice from other mummies on this.
We have been together 9 years two small children.
Since the birth of both children my sex drive is low. Normal stuff, body different, I had a lot of tearing etc and physical damage after the birth of my first child. Things don't feel the same unfortunately!!!
For years now it's been a problem in our relationship.
The constant pestering with hands all over me during the night, tantrums when I ask him to stop, calling me names, leaving me to sleep on inches of my side if the bed, then watching porn while I'm trying to sleep, the list is endless.
I do occasionally agree, but it's normally after a night out and a few drinks. May only be 2/3 times a year!!!
I lay in tears some nights, he rants off around the house slamming doors then sulks for days on end.
I'm beginning to really hate him.
I've begged and pleaded he stops pestering me and my want for him may come back. I've begged for cuddles and decent nights sleep, but now after years and years of it I'm emotionally exhausted.
Of course he completely blames me for my lack of sex drive, and it's me that needs help. His pestering and moods etc are just a symptom of lack of sex and he will not take blame for it.
In fact I've been to the doctors twice in 4 years (requested by him) and both times they have reassured me it's normal to feel lack of sex drive etc and his behaviour is unacceptable on all levels. My last visit last year told me it's abuse and I should get professional help. Of course I didn't tell him this.

I'm at my wits end with it all. I'm constantly on egg shells and feel really hurt by the accusations he throws at me and how it's all ME!

Please advise, I know I'm not fulfilling him but is this acceptable behaviour for me to lay awake crying, being treated like this, accused of being frigid etc on a daily basis.
I'm at breaking point. Xsad

KinkyAfro Wed 08-Jun-16 10:13:50

I could not accept that behaviour, have you told him why you feel the way you do?

sansXsouci Wed 08-Jun-16 10:31:25

I really sympathize, I generally have a lower libido than my husband, but at times especially after having DCs I really really didn't want sex, but I also found the more pressure DH put on me to have sex the more I froze when he approached me for cuddles etc, because I knew he would soon be pestering me for sex and then get cross if I felt I couldn't. After much trouble, I manage to get across to him that I might feel like sex if we had cuddles etc, but I had to know that if I couldn't work up the enthusiasm it was ok to say no. I also made it really clear that I did love/fancy him etc, I just felt exhausted and unattractive etc. He did eventually kind of get it and my libido had returned somewhat.

I've also found I'm more likely to want sex in the morning, I feel more relaxed then.

However the way your husband is behaving at the moment is not on at all, no wonder you don't feel like having sex with someone who behaves like that and treats you so badly.

Cinnamon5 Wed 08-Jun-16 10:48:44

He knows how I feel. I've told him for years. I've begged for pestering to stop. Cried and begged.
To him it's just a symptom of his lack of sex. "He can't help it"
I've always disagreed. I do t argue as I'm quite weak. He is very good at dictating a conversation.
I just want a cuddle and to sleep. But it doesn't happen!!
I'm so sadsad

sansXsouci Wed 08-Jun-16 11:03:48

Sounds similar to mine, he says he 'needs' sex one a week or he starts to 'go a bit mad and get angry'- with me - he 'can't help it'. sigh!

category12 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:06:31

Ugh. Get rid.

LegoStarWars Wed 08-Jun-16 11:10:25

I struggle as I'm the one with the higher sex drive in our relationship and it's horrible to not feel wanted. BUT – the thing to do is talk about it, not act the way he's doing. Tantrums, sulking, ranting are not an okay way to behave as an adult and towards the person you love. It sounds awful :-(

SandyY2K Wed 08-Jun-16 11:21:39

Have you tried relationship counselling. A neutral third party could assist in expressing your feelings and he might actually listen and hear what a professional says.

A lot of this is perception. Your view and his are clearly different. He probably feels he wouldn't pester if you were willing and you would be willing if he didn't pester.

I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong, I'm just trying to show it from another angle. To him it feels like rejection, to you it feels like being pawed (like a piece of meat) and that it's just about sex to him and not about taking the time to make you feel relaxed and loved.

I know how it feels because I have a lower drive than my DH. I also have zero body confidence and that adds to me backing off, yet in the past he's interpreted that as me not loving him, not fancying him and even speculating I was cheating.

If only uour DH would post the problem on a site he'd hopefully get advice like :

Stop pestering

Try and pamper your wife

Help more with the chores

Do something physical ( like a massage) without the expectation of sex.

Compliment her

Romance her

Inexperiencedchick Wed 08-Jun-16 11:51:00

I'm really sorry for you being in this kind of situation.
I know how it feels.


Jan45 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:56:48

Honestly when a relationship gets to this stage it's not even about lack of sex any more, it's about him having control over you and your body, he has no right to demand fuck all from you physically, this is about bullying you into submission, you are hardly going to find that an attractive quality are you - I'd not stand for this OP, I'd be looking to separate from him, it's a load of old bollocks that he can't help himself, he is effectively making your life a misery and not giving your feelings a second thought, not right, not normal and definitely not acceptable.

catsilversilk Wed 08-Jun-16 14:12:14

It does seem a common problem - the not understanding that pestering/groping is so bloody annoying and I sympathise, also love SandyY2K's advice above.

My OH basically wants sex every day and for a quiet life I end up having --slightly crap because I never actually get a chance to want it because it happens all the time it is slightly less interesting than doing the dishwasher sex every day for 3 weeks a month (we have 2 dc's and have been together for 14 years). Then by the end of the week that we can't (because of AF) he is back to pestering/stroppy and bloody annoying, we always end up having our worst rows as that week goes on. Also the whole issue with it being a bit crap now is now a 'thing' sad.

Tbh it's the least of my problems so I agree/carry on like I have been forever because it makes life slightly easier - but I get where you are coming from and I will read this with interest, meanwhile flowers

UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying Wed 08-Jun-16 16:56:32

Just how many of us live with this shit? Seriously OP and others, if your husband posted I wouldn't give him SandyY2Ks advice, I'd tell him to bloody well leave you alone!!! But maybe Sandys is the better response. Personally I am glad for Jan45s reply on this thread. In reality I have been right there with all of you. I'm just starting to realise that its a crap way to live. Feeling a little anger on your behalf.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 08-Jun-16 17:25:11

This is abuse. It's way beyond a man being 'unhappy' that there is less sex happening. He's now punishing you for your non-compliance - he doesn't even want sex with you any more, he just wants to make you miserable.
This isn't fixable. Get legal advice, etc, end the marriage. He will not stop, because he doesn't consider you a human being - you are a domestic appliance that is malfunctioning.

expatinscotland Wed 08-Jun-16 17:31:24

What SGB says. This behaviour is never acceptable. The doctor told you right: this person is abusive.

Hotwaterbottle1 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:24:17

I don't agree with his behaviour in the slightest. I was however, in his position and due to being constantly rejected, no intimacy ( along with other issues) I had a bit of a breakdown, lost all confidence & self esteem, hated myself, felt unwanted, unworthy, unattractive. I stopped trying and now have not slept with him for a year and am actively planning leaving. Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage but it is part of it and conflicting feelings about it can end one. You need to try and talk and compromise.

LondonStill83 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:34:56

Op, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I think you both need to take a cold hard look at your role in this- and what you want to get out of your marriage.

I have a higher libido than DH normally, and we take care of it by me playing with myself more but we still have an active sex life. It's not as much as I would like but it's good when we do and its regular, so it doesn't really impact our marriage.

If DH suddenly only wanted sex begrudgingly 2-3 times per YEAR, for the long term, and in four years all he did about it was go to the GP twice, I think I would be pretty grumpy too. sex is an important part of marriage and if he stopped wanting it all together, for a long time, I think I would struggle to want to be intimate with him in other ways too...

I think you both need to talk calmly and perhaps with professional support, and look at how you can both put effort in to regain intimacy / sex.

It's not fair I expect him to be intimate you you yet go without... Not in the long term.

MatrixReloaded Wed 08-Jun-16 18:39:18

This is not about a low sex drive or lack of sex. It is blatant sexual abuse. This shouldn't be happening to you.

Jan45 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:43:26

Nobody is disputing how important a sex life is, without it you really are just friends, what most have been negative about is his behaviour over it, it's actually quite depressing. Why would you constantly pester someone for anything when they have already told you why they don't want to give you it - selfish, disrespectful and entitled I'm afraid, the way he is treating the OP tells me that he's an unreasonable and selfish person, you should never have to BEG your partner to leave you alone ffs, not normal.

Yes he is right to want and have a sex life but Jesus christ, the poor woman is worn down by him and emotionally exhausted with it all - it's so not normal.

Jan45 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:46:02

Any person that calls another frigid deserves to be told to fuck off and never come back, disgusting way to speak to your partner. He's not just sexually abusive, it's verbal too, I am so angry on your behalf OP, don't accept it!

ThatStewie Wed 08-Jun-16 18:55:43

It is sexual abuse.

Please reach out for professional support to get away from this man safely. Start with theGP who spoke the truth to you. Or call Rape Crisis or Women's Aid hotlines.

Any woman in a relationship where the male partner behaves this way is living with domestic violence and sexual abuse.

There is no justification whatsoever to treat someone this way.

Maverick66 Wed 08-Jun-16 18:55:44

You both need to take a step back.
Your husband needs to understand things have changed.
Perhaps your husband does need sex more often than you but he needs to find a better way of expressing his needs.
You need to calmly discuss a way forward.
You need to put your wants and needs out there and your husband needs to put his out too.
You need then to reach,a compromise, and a middle ground.
It's ok for others to say Leave him. But this is your life and your marriage.
It appears to be a little broken at the moment so you need to find a way to fix itflowers

UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying Wed 08-Jun-16 19:10:51

Thinking on the go a bit...

I think communication and working on your relationship is valid advice - if there hasn't been any coercive behaviour. The coercion isn't even subtle in the examples on the thread. Its fairly blatant.

I can see feeling rejection would be hurtful but I do not think it is comparable to having to be intimate or have sex when you don't want to. And I don't see that point as a valid response to someone experiencing sexual abuse. There seems to be replies along the lines of "it's not right but...."

In a non abusive situation I would really wonder at the wisdom of compromise if that involves one partner doing sexual acts they don't want to do or a little more often than they'd choose etc. I think it's unhealthy and the better answer would be, if after working on the relationship, one partner is still unfulfilled separation is considered. But maybe I just can't see how sexual compromise would work in a loving situation.

MatrixReloaded Wed 08-Jun-16 19:45:46

I'm pretty shocked at the abuse apologists on this thread. There is no excuse for abuse ever. Plenty of people don't have the sex life they want , they don't verbally abuse their partner or throw tantrums. It's perfectly normal to not want to have sex with someone who abuses you.

Do not go to counselling with this abuser. If he wasn't abusing you about sex he would be abusing you about money or housework. Please don't assume that the answer to the problem is to have more sex with him.

Cinnamon5 Wed 08-Jun-16 23:21:31

Thank you all so much for taking time to respond to my message. I'm truly grateful. I've read every single one. I'm overwhelmed with them all.

I've fortunately got a night to myself as he's working away.
I'm sat weighing everything up.
One thing I've gained is it's not the norm to be treated like I get treated.
Talking with two close girly friends they too have both advised me over years it's not right, but reading these messages it really is sinking in.

You really loose sight of normality when you are years into something so horrible with young children and busy being a mum etc.

I do love him and feel angry myself as I know if this behaviour stopped we may have a chance. But.... And it's a big but, I've begged for years for it to stop, & it hasn't. I've had a bed thumped and broken, doors slammed and broken, been shoved out of bed, called frigid and lots more on Many occasions, and walked on eggshells for years.

I can't tell my family due to the nature of the problem, not sure my dad and brother would understand. My mum unfortunately isn't here!

I'm quite isolated as we relocated 2 years ago so a journey out of this involves moving and school changes etc. Which again makes it all the harder.

A lot to think about. Thank you all so much. I've never used anything like this before, but it's a great thing.

Cinnamon5 Wed 08-Jun-16 23:24:29

I would also like to add, he is very difficult to talk to as he dominates and is quick to blame and reduce me to tears.
For years I barely say a word. Ive put up and shut up. Xx

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