Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I just need to rant

(3 Posts)
HarHer Wed 08-Jun-16 08:54:19

Hello,

I just need somewhere to rant. Without sounding too needy, i am a bit socially isolated and my family are emotionally fragile, so I have very few people to talk to. However, I just want to say exactly how I feel.

There was a child protection case just under a year ago and my children were put of Child Protection Plans on the grounds of emotional abuse from my husband. We separated and I went to live with my sister with my eldest son. My eldest has Asperger syndrome and mental health difficulties. Sadly, my sister could not take my youngest because there were allegations of sexual abuse between the two boys.
After a few months my eldest and I secured a small house in the town where my husband and youngest son were living. All members of our family met every day and my sons seemed to get on well. The Child Protection issues ended.
There were problems with both the boys with respect to engagement, but just this week, both boys (15 and 17) have met with people to plan for the next academic year (and transition toward it). My youngest son also has severe issues with anxiety.
My youngest moved in with his brother and me last week and so far everything has been positive. I really feel the boys might make a bit of a breakthrough.
However, my husband wants to move in as well. Currently, he is living at the flat he shared with my youngest, but he says he cannot afford to stay there (he receives a substantial proportion of Housing Benefit). He also says that he is doing everything for us (the children and me) when, in actual fact, he takes us shopping in the afternoon and that's about it. I had to give up a secure, permanent job and take casual, temporary contracts of work so that I could work from home and look after my sons. Now some of the contracts are coming to an end, I am desperately applying for more work. Yet my husband claims he is 'too ill' to work. I gave him eleven and a half thousand pounds (half the lump sum from my professional pension) to set up his business, but he has spent it on a series of old cars. Now he is asking me to borrow money off my elderly mother to help him out again.
Furthermore, his behaviour is unpredictable and aggressive. He is negative about any provision offered to the boys; he shouts at me and the boys; he walks out of the house whenever the boys start being silly (my eldest has some developmental delay and uses silly conversations to self regulate) and he can say some really nasty and aggressive things.
However, the boys love him and I have compassion towards him. Yet he cannot come to live with us. My eldest nearly committed suicide last year due to the situation at home. We are also overcrowded as it is. My youngest shares a bedroom with me (with a partition across) because he cannot share a room with his brother. I have ordered a sofa bed and when that comes, I will sleep downstairs. My husband (who also has AS) will not share a room, so I cannot see where he will go.
So, I try to be compassionate towards him. I reinforce the love the boys feel for him and I listen to people agree with him about the hardness of his life. Yet I recognise my feelings towards him are not really ones of love. I will care for him and support him, but the idea of slipping off into retirement, hand in hand has died.
So that is the rant. I think I just needed to blurt this out (metaphorically) so that I do not let my husband destroy the boys again.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 08-Jun-16 09:04:02

Absolutely, he can't live with you again

mummytime Wed 08-Jun-16 09:08:07

He can't live with you! You need to formalise a split.
Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to? Do you get DLA, if not go to the SN area here and ask and I'm sure someone will help with the forms - lots have people have got it not really thinking they would. There may be other benefits you are entitled to (and entitled because you are saving everyone a lot of money by looking after your sons).

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now