Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm new and need help

(40 Posts)
Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 01:52:28

So I'm awake it's 1:41am and today has been just plain hell for me.

I wish I never did what I did but it's done now and I don't know where to go from here.

Basically I stumbled across a website and found my husband using it ie his email address and the same old password he uses.

It's a dating site a gay/bisexual dating website. I don't know what to do! So I joined up and messaged him. I can't confront him as I have no proof and also he will turn the tables on me saying that I'm in the wrong for doing what I did.

But I stumbled acrossed it typed his email address in and password and it logged me in. I seen some of the messages he has sent to men asking to hook up.
I don't know if he has or not,

I don't know what to do I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I have been faithful to him and stuck by him threw everything all the plop he has put me threw all the heart ache and this is what I get in return!

Why can he just be truthful to me. Instead of lies it is always lies lies lies lies! I am no stuck here thinking what can I do? Where do I go from here. Do I tell him? Or should I wait till I can try and catch him then he doesn't have a leg to stand on!

I love this man but I don't think I can be with him not now, not after this. We have three children which I take care of as well as him and his family. I feel like a right idiot a fool a doormat.

All I ever did was love that man. Now I don't know who he is he says he loves me, but love isn't that is it? Love isn't the lying and the cheating is it?

I wish I knew what to do apart of me wants to confront him but another part of me wants to know where this leads try and catch him out so I don't look like the bad guy in this.
As he will make me out to be the bad guy in this he can always with out doubt turn the tables and say it's my fault.

My fault that I never gave him enough sex
I am up every morning with the kids 4:30 till 10pm every day I am shattered and nights like this one j am up with the baby.
So excuse me for being over tired to even give you sex or even think about it.

I am so hurt and betrayed! Why do people play with other people's hearts and emotions like this? I thought he was a lovely caring man. Now I don't know who he is. I don't even believe him when he says he loves me anymore.

I feel so sad and mixed of emotions. Apart of my is screaming HAVE IT OUT WITH HIM!!!!! but the other part of me is saying bide your time get the proof and then have it out with him as he is all about the proof.

sighs men are right jerks!

ReginaTheVelociraptor Wed 08-Jun-16 02:43:44

First of all, it is NOT your fault for not giving him enough sex. Get that out of your head. This is all on him and his feelings.

Secondly, calm down. Stick to the facts. You know he has an account on a bisexual & gay dating website. Do you know when the last time he used it was? Do you know if he's messaged people and what those messages contain? Do you know if he's had flirtatious conversations/sexual conversations/met up with anyone from the site? Is it strictly bisexual & gay dating?

SomeonesRealName Wed 08-Jun-16 06:13:30

Brokensoul I'm so sorry to hear your husband has betrayed and lied to you. I have to say I really don't think this is salvageable. You have all the proof you really need if cheating is a deal-breaker for you. And you allude to a history of problems including lying, so this is not an isolated incident it's who he is. You don't have to do anything just take some time and process - but see a solicitor and just see where you stand and what their advice is. Too many of us can tell you that the next stage after discovery is the once loving partner trying to screw you financially - hope not in your case but you have three children to protect so hope for the best but plan for the worst. I found www.chumplady.com a useful source of support when it happened to me.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe Wed 08-Jun-16 06:31:06

How can you blame yourself for not giving him enough sex when it's clear he wants sex with men anyway? Get screen shots and legal advice as soon as possible. You can never be what he wants. flowers He has lied to you over the most fundamental things in life.

Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 07:00:58

Thank you, he was on yesterday I think as he read the messages I sent him just asking if he wants to hook up.
We are completely and utterly broke so I don't know how ill be able to afford a solicitor.
I have calmed down after a little bit of sleep.
I do have screen shots of his email address and username, however he doesn't have any pictures of him self on there. He hasn't met anyone yet as I read the messages and sent ones.

Thing is he says he loves me and can see us growing old together. I feel so broken. My world has shattered. He is the love of my life.

I thought of talking to him about it calmly but he will flip it around on me,
I feel so scared I don't know what the next move should be.

I do feel like the marriage is over now I feel so broken I don't know what on earth to do, as ages ago we had a heart to heart and then I thought everything was better then a week later he joins that site!

I know in my heart of hearts that I need to talk to him and I know that it won't end well. I am such a whimp.

Thank you very much all of you. I never thought it would end up this way especially after all I have done for him taking care of him when he was ill, doing everything I can to make sure he is happy regardless of my own feelings.

I hope some day I will get over this and be able to move on. But I doubt that I'll ever will.

Resilience16 Wed 08-Jun-16 07:02:36

Oh I am so sorry this has happened to you. I discovered my ex was on a dating site a year ago and I can vividly remember the shock and pain I felt at the time. I physically went into shock, my teeth were chattering and I thought I was going to throw up.
This must be such a horrible shock for you but you need to try and stay clear headed. If he us anything like my ex his first response will be to try and deflect the blame onto you. Don't let him, this is not your fault.
If this is a deal breaker for you or the straw that broke the camels back then you need to have a clear plan in your head about what you want. If you want to separate then I would get advice about that before confronting him. Contact the CAB for legal advice and also Women's Aid for practical advice about leaving an abusive relationship.Once you have got some advice you will feel more in control, and know that leaving is doable.
You are not an idiot or a fool. He is the one who has lied and possibly cheated.When you do confront him ,after blaming you ( for snooping/not giving him enough sex)he will probably try to minimise things(I was just looking/it was a laugh/an ego boost).
Don't let him manipulate you. You deserve to be in a respectful relationship without the lying and cheating.And so do your kids.
Hugs for you. I really do feel for you, but this may be the push you need to see the light and get out .
You deserve better x

Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 07:16:46

Thank you very much.
I should of left the first time, he went on a swingers site a couple of months ago but said because he wanted a ego boost as he feel ugly and at the time I wasn't giving him any attention of sex.

No I am a fool I should of left the first time. But me being me I thought it was easily fixable as he said he never cheated on me and that he went on for 5 minutes and no one batted an eye lid at him.

I am a complete fool. I will try and ring woman's aid today but my mum is coming round today. She knows we have had some problems with arguing and stuff. But I don't know how to tell her this. She will want me to pack my bags straight away.
Thing is I have our father in law living with us. And he thinks everything is peachy.

Who are CAB is that citazens advise buro?

I feel so sad and broken inside.
I did go in to shock I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I was wrenching this morning.

The person I thought I knew and married isn't the person I thought. I wonder how long this has truely gone on for. But I will never ever know that answer. Just feel so sad.

Thank you for your reply. I really do need a big fat hug off my mum sad

Resilience16 Wed 08-Jun-16 07:40:48

I am glad your mum is there for you in real life. Yes CAB is Citizens Advice, they can give you free advice.
If your partner has a history of this(dating/hook up sites/ cheating) then he is unlikely to change. I'm talking from my own experience here. If you stay it will just grind down your self esteem, and you will never truly be able to trust him. That's no basis for a happy relationship.
It is sad, but you can and will get past it and over it. Good luck x

Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 07:48:42

Thank you very much. I am going to tell my mum when she comes round, and then start ringing.
I am such a fool I thought if I tried harder in our marriage.... Love is such a awful thing.
I have my self my whole self to him and I thought we were going to be together for ever.
I feel like crying I really do. I don't know how my mum is going to take this but she probably saw it coming as she is like that. A fantastic woman my mum is. I feel so helpless and just want to curl up in a ball and cry but I can't. I have to be strong and get stuff in to check.

I don't know why but I feel guilty on doing this to him leaving him as he is my best friend but I can't live like this it isn't fair on me, and to be honest he can't be that happy other wise he wouldn't be doing what he is doing!
Thank you

Littleladylumps Wed 08-Jun-16 08:09:09

I'm so sorry you are going through this. flowers

Did he reply to the message you sent him?
Sorry but the father in law staying with you shouldn't change anything.Surely he would back you 100% as his son has been an utter lying sod!
Stay strong, CAB should be able to help.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Jun-16 08:34:56

What a horrible shock for you.
In any situation like this with kids and a long history involved I always advise not to do anything hasty.
Get yourself away from him and get some head space.
Then really think about what you want and how you want to live your life.
This 'man' has proven time and again he is not trustworthy.
In fact he is just not worthy - of you or your lovely DC.

Can you go to your mums today and just have some time away from him for a few days.
I wouldn't tell him why.
I would just say, I know and I need some space. Then just go for as long as you need to.

In the mean-time, as others have said, CAB and a solicitor. Many solicitors offer a free half hour. See more than one and find which one you are most comfortable with.

Also, look after yourself. You won't want to eat or drink but you have to keep your strength up.
Making huge decisions requires strength.
Sugary tea and ice lollies got me through.
Keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up otherwise the shock will hit you like a tonne of bricks.

flowers and a huge UnMN (((((HUG))))) for you!

Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 08:36:57

Well I can't do anything today as he isn't feeling well. Can't even tell my mum as she will probably slap him one.
My father in law will protect his son no matter what.
When I told him about the swingers site he couldn't believe it but that was that.

No he never replied to the messages so I don't know what that means.

I feel like I have lost apart of me. I just want to talk to him about it but I can't can I as it will end in an argument and him blaming me saying that I'm snooping on him.

All I want to do is talk to my best friend but he is the cause of this. Feel so sad and alone sad

Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 08:42:24

Thank you hellsbellsmelons

I wish I could go to my mums today but I wouldn't know how to get there as I don't drive and they live on the other side. Also what do I do about school for my eldest. I can't leave him here.

All in all apart of me wants to leave as how can anyone say they love someone and do that to them.
But apart of me wants to stay as I love him very much and I want the kids to be with their dad growing up.

However I think leaving will end up happening.
I truely want to cry so badly I love this man so so much all I want in my love was to be with him. I don't know if he ever has loved me but why marry me? Why 6 years of marriage and it has come to this. I feel truely broken.

I am now crying I thought I could be strong but I am not I am such a whimp I know I'll end up staying as I'm an idiot and too scared on leaving.

I am truely broken inside.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Jun-16 08:59:32

Cry away.
You can be strong in front of the kids but you do NOT have to be a tower of strength all the time.
I used to cry bucket loads.
You really think the tears will dry up, but they don't. They will come and come.
So cry when you can.
Can your mum get you on Friday evening and you stay there for the weekend?
You really do need some space away from this guy.
Being around him will be like torture!

Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 09:04:40

I was thinking Friday I am going to ask her today see how she feels as she has been poorly at the moment. I will explain that I need some time away from my husband and his dad. Hopefully she will say yes!

I just don't understand why he has done this. I thought he truly loved me.

Men are right jerks they do what ever they please regardless who gets hurt. Thank you all for your messages.

It really means a great deal to me, right I better stop the tears and join my beautiful children they will be wondering where I got to!!!

Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 11:40:18

So managed to speak to my mum about it. She is in shock and can't understand how he would have the time as he is at home all the time.

She doesn't know what I should do. She said if I want it out with him have it out with him.

I am welcome to go and stay for the weekend but it can't be a preminate thing as it won't solve anything,

But she is confused and not sure what I should do. She said give it a couple of days. I'm going to ask her if me and the kids can go and stay this weekend and before my husband drives off home I will say to him, I know about the profile, I have seen the messages, we need some space to think about what we both want.
If you are unhappy with our marriage and want other people then let me know.
But you can't keep doing this to me with everything I have done for you.
I don't want to fight anymore I'm sick of the arguing. I just want us to be up front and honest.

So if you want this to work out let me know on Sunday otherwise I will have to make arrangements on finding somewhere for me and the kids to live.

That's what I would like to say to him probably to envovled probably will drive off with me saying
I know I seen the profile.

But I need to get these feelings off my chest I need some sort of closure of this is the end.

So heart broken so lost.

Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 13:12:48

So I have managed to get on his phone and went on the internet history and have take a photo of it. It has porn videos of gay sex it has him visiting the site!

I feel so sick I so want to go in there and have it out with him. I am shaking

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Jun-16 13:17:41

He will want to work things out.
Why wouldn't he?
Nice cushy family home life as his cover.
Then gay and bi-sexual hook ups for what he really wants.
You've given him chances before and you will probably give him a few more.
It takes time to really leave.
But do get some space for a couple of days.

I wouldn't go into too much detail.
Just a 'I know and we are getting away so I can think things through' should do it.
Let him stew. Don't let him know what you know or how you know.
Tell him you will be handing your phone over to your mum for the weekend because you need to have no contact with him for a couple of days. Ask him to respect that request and give you the space you need.

Then have the chat. Then see what HE has to say. What HE will admit to.
Don't give the game away too early.
You won't get the truth that way.

Somerville Wed 08-Jun-16 13:20:18

There's no law to stop you discussing it with him.

However from what I've heard (mainly on here... I'm no expert) he will again minimise and lie. He's very unlikely to admit to it. He might accuse you of being as bad/worse for 'snooping', but you know what? I don't think there's anything wrong with snooping when there are genuine concerns that your partner is cheating and the risk of him brining him STI's.

I'd go to your mum's sooner rather than later. And tell her about the other things you've found.

Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 14:44:25

I told my mum everything, but I don't know what to do I feel so sick.

I said to my mum I want to leave now, but the only car that can take us is my husbands.

I just want to tell him now but I don't have the guts. I am so scared so worried.
There is no coming back is there?

I so want to cry and fall apart, I have my eldest school to think of, unless I take him out until Monday, I feel so lost.

I am freaking out. I really need the strength to go and talk to him, mum said hang on till Friday but I want out now.

He has been distance today. I think he knows something is up. I don't know what to do,

I can't save our marriage can I? It's well and truely gone. My heart is shattered

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Jun-16 15:34:06

YOU can't save your marriage no.
If a marriage is to be saved it's by 2 people!
It's not the first time he's done it and he will do it again.
Mainly because, no matter what you do you cannot fulfill his needs is he is gay.

ReginaTheVelociraptor Wed 08-Jun-16 15:40:30

I agree with hellsbells. Two people can save a marriage but you alone, can't. Regardless if he's bisexual, if he can't have the monogamous relationship without deceit that you need in your life, your marriage can't be saved. He's done this once, he's done it again - you can't trust him and if you stay you'll spend the rest of your life not trusting him. It's no way to live.

Brokensoul16 Wed 08-Jun-16 16:42:33

Thank you. So I had it out with him. He is upstairs very angry, but he said that he has never and will never cheat on me he has been only been with me and only wants to be with me. He only went on there out of curiosity. He said he doesn't want me to leave and that he is sorry.

I don't know what to do. I asked him when it first started he said a few years ago but he never met anyone. He just talked a lot of stuff just for the fun of it,

I am so confused and feel very sad. As I don't want our marriage to end but how can I trust him? I feel so low all I want is for him to give me a cuddle and say that everything is going to be alright.

But how can it. Am I stupid on giving it another go only to be hurt again?
I mean a older couple we know he had sex with his daughter and she became pregnant with her son and hey are still together...

But I don't know maybe I am just fooling myself. I need sleep that's all I crave is to sleep and cry and wish deeply for my best friend back.

Why is love so hard? Why do I still love this man so deeply? I am a stupid idiot.

Thank you all for your support, I am no better off than what I was apart from him now angry with the whole situation. Maybe he didn't see anyone maybe he did I will never truely know but to be honest he hasn't gone anywhere with out me or the kids when he has gone out.

But still I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm so confused and emotionally drained. I need sleep so badly!!!

I wish I had a crystal ball that would show me the truth. I feel like a train wreck sad

loveyoutothemoon Wed 08-Jun-16 17:37:57

Whether he's done it or not, could you live with the not knowing?

Myself, I wouldn't believe what he's said, sorry.

clarrrp Wed 08-Jun-16 18:27:13

I'm sure that was a horrible shock for you.

What you do - stay or go - is ultimately up to you. But you said he was sending messages looking to hook up with other men? That's him actively seeking to cheat on you.

Sorry

Once the shock is over you need to think about what you want.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now