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Do you have to justify leaving someone?

(31 Posts)
fieldofpurpleflowers Tue 07-Jun-16 15:28:50

I am "unofficially" dating the same man I've been off/on with for 3 years. We are both 26, no kids together but he has 2 he doesn't see (no DNA test, unsure they're his) or support.

I feel like shit with him 90% of the time and then there's 10% sweet. My previous ex was controlling, jealous, abusive and refused to let me leave him. He was verbally and physically violent and would not leave the house when I asked. He also cut himself and threatened suicide on social media, his friends all called me a psycho for "driving him to suicide" simply by saying I wanted to leave him as a result of his cheating, abusive behaviours etc.

This man is... different... but I feel I don't have a "right" to cut contact, and I know if I say I want to leave he will tell me I'm wrong, will pressure me for another chance, harass me on all forms of contact etc. and then guilt trip me into coming back by suddenly experiencing something traumatic.

I find it all so stressful and tiring. I know I want it to be over but it's "easier" in some ways when he isn't bombarding me with niceness. I almost feel like giving up, that he will never be out of my life.

Also I'm prone to panicking and going back, questioning my own judgement and emotions, thinking I've got it wrong. I am bipolar so know my emotions can lie to me. But I'm so unhappy and frankly he scares me. He is sexually perverse and the stuff he tries to coerce me to do is awful. I feel he wears a mask that sometimes slips... he'll be lovely and then calculatedly cruel to me, and then blame it on being in a bad mood and expect me to get over it.

He makes me feel like a nervous wreck with no confidence.

Am I "allowed" to leave? How do I?

fieldofpurpleflowers Tue 07-Jun-16 15:30:57

Oh and he has a drinking and cocaine problem. To the point where he will do lines of coke "just to get to the right level" before going to sleep, has borrowed money off me for coke and not paid it back etc.

DollyDa Tue 07-Jun-16 15:33:10

No you don't and given what you have written above please leave and if you cannot do it by yourself tell people who will help you! I could have written this post ten years ago and made a massive mistake of thinking I needed proof before I left, I was bullied into thinking I needed to justify leaving an emotionally abusive nasty man. It took me a year of hell before I found my proof (his wife!) and got the courage to leave him. since then I will always follow my gut - when it doesn't feel right you put one foot in front of the other and you walk - calmly and confidently.

SeemsLegit Tue 07-Jun-16 15:34:14

You've gone from one abusive shit head to have plenty of reasons to leave but the only one you need is "I'm not happy".

PurpleDaisies Tue 07-Jun-16 15:34:27

Am I "allowed" to leave?

Whose permission do you think you need?

You sound very unhappy and if you don't want to continue the relationship that's the only thing that matters. Do you have any friends or family in real life that you could talk to?

LilacInn Tue 07-Jun-16 15:35:03

You only get one life here on Planet Earth. Why waste it feeling the way you do 90 percent of the time. Do you have recourse to any sort of counseling service that can help you? Is your condition being managed medically? You deserve better. Good luck.

fieldofpurpleflowers Tue 07-Jun-16 15:36:08

I live with some lovely friends, we're all medical students, and they are helping me a lot. It's just getting my head straight that I find hard. I know this is all wrong, I know I'm happy alone, I hate these men and I don't want to deal with it any more. But he makes me feel so guilty. My mum's at the end of her tether with it and won't talk to me about it anymore. I can kind of see why, because I go running back.

Jan45 Tue 07-Jun-16 15:36:53

Why do you feel unable to make a decision and stick to it, the man is vile, another abusive relationship, it's your life, your body, your mind to make up so nobody can tell you anything apart from do what you want, what feels right to you.

Pimmmms Tue 07-Jun-16 15:38:39

Of course you can leave! He sounds absolutey awful, and very doinating. You don't mention living together, if you aren't, tell him its over and block him in ohone and email. Don't give him a chance to try to change your mind. You need time to get your emotional strengh back.

fieldofpurpleflowers Tue 07-Jun-16 15:39:25

So true, Jan. Thank you. I need tough love/kick up the arse I think, I know the confident person I used to be is still in here and I can get it together. I wasted the whole of yesterday in floods of tears because he lost his temper with me again, and I don't deserve it, I would never do that to anyone.

PurpleDaisies Tue 07-Jun-16 15:39:58

Also I'm prone to panicking and going back, questioning my own judgement and emotions, thinking I've got it wrong.

If you're going to be a doctor you really need to deal with this. It'll help with you relationship issues too.

fieldofpurpleflowers Tue 07-Jun-16 15:40:17

My bipolar's actually very well treated, but this guy has a way of blaming any problem I have with him on "an episode". So I've actually been medically stable for a year or so, but each time I get upset with him he comes over all quasi-concerned and asks if my depression is coming on again..

timelytess Tue 07-Jun-16 15:40:21

Pop your stuff in a bag, out of the door. Change your phone number. Block him on every means of contact. Do it today.

Its 30 years since my ex and I split up and the man is dead. But its only in the last week or so that I've been understanding how abusive he really was, particularly sexually. When you're living it, its hard to see it for what it is.

You have some insight into your situation. Use it and get away.

fieldofpurpleflowers Tue 07-Jun-16 15:41:15

PurpleDaisies (nice name!) I'm actually very decisive at work, that's the worst part. I am someone I don't recognise with him, like all my darkest weak parts brought out and compounded somehow? I feel weak and not normal.

glassgarden Tue 07-Jun-16 15:41:27

just tell him 'this isnt working for me and I am now ending it'

dont say you want to end it, tell him you have ended it
if he asks why just repeat 'it doesnt work for me'

fieldofpurpleflowers Tue 07-Jun-16 15:41:55

Thanks tess. I'm so sorry you've been through that. We don't live together any more, it'll be a case of blocking him on everything again, but he always finds a way to find me.

glassgarden Tue 07-Jun-16 15:43:01

he is toxic
you must stop exposing yourself to the poison so that you can recover

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky Tue 07-Jun-16 15:43:52

I ended my relationship (abusive X) by saying "this relationship is over, please remove your stuff and go". We had lived together for 7 years and have 2 DC. I wad no longer interested in anything he had to say. Anytime it so much as begins to raise his voice I hang up. It's taken 3 years but he doesn't shout at me anymore.

Not only do you not need a reason you don't need to listen to any whining, pleading, anger or even comments that the other person may have. He can sort all that out himself. Not your responsibility.

You can end it when you want to, because you want to, and as you aren't living together you never need to even see or talk to him again.

Your life, your rules.
Be happy

fieldofpurpleflowers Tue 07-Jun-16 15:44:15

Thanks glass, you're right. Reading everyone's advice has given me a boost. I'm the only one who can take control and sort this out. I want a good life and a happily family one day, and this doesn't fit in with that.

fieldofpurpleflowers Tue 07-Jun-16 15:44:16

Thanks glass, you're right. Reading everyone's advice has given me a boost. I'm the only one who can take control and sort this out. I want a good life and a happily family one day, and this doesn't fit in with that.

fieldofpurpleflowers Tue 07-Jun-16 15:45:26

"Not your responsibility" - that's the key bit. Last time I left, he said he saw something traumatising at work and I wasn't there for him because I cruelly changed my number. Now, I guess, I don't see how that was my responsibility. He has friends, colleagues, doctors to help. It isn't all on me. I won't do it anymore. Thank you.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky Tue 07-Jun-16 15:45:57

If he finds you ignore him. Or report him for harassment. You really just can leave him right now and never go back. But it is down to you.

Helennn Tue 07-Jun-16 15:49:34

So if blocking him doesn't work you will have to say that if he doesn't leave you alone you will have to go to the police and say he is harassing you. Maybe a signed for letter to him telling him to leave you alone would help in this? And follow through if he does, recruit a friend to go with you.

You deserve so much better than this. He deserves nothing.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 07-Jun-16 15:51:22

OMG - You poor love.
Run - run away fast and do NOT look back.

Are you living with him?
If not then just cut contact.
Tell him it's not working for you and you are ending it.
Then block, delete and ignore.
If you think it might kick off then call 101 and pre-warn them about everything. They can put you on a priority list if you call.

Did you do the Freedom Programme when you left your abusive Ex?
If not then you must do this urgently.
Contact Womens Aid and they will tell you how to enrol.
While you are talking to Womens Aid I would suggest to tell them what has happened to you. In the past and now.
They may be able to put you in contact with a local service that can offer you counselling.

But ditch this loser and do it fast.
You didn't spot the red flags and there were plenty.
The Freedom Programme will help you spot them in the future.

Hockeydude Tue 07-Jun-16 15:53:15

Goodness, you only need your own permission to leave. However, sometimes it can come across as cruel to the other person if they thought everything was fine and dandy. It doesn't look fine and dandy in your case though but I'd try to give some sort of reason (that can't be argued with).

Do you want to start a family with someone who has a cocaine problem (to put it bluntly - a criminal)? Taking drugs is actually illegal!

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