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2 years in.....

(21 Posts)
AtTheCrossroads Tue 07-Jun-16 13:54:45

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years next month. Everything is tickety boo, see each other 3-4 times per week, met each other's children etc etc & generally all is good.

My dilemma, is comments from other people, over the last fortnight, I've had:

"if you were serious, you'd be engaged by now"

"he can't be that into you, if you're not living together"

"You two look very detached, two years down the line"

What is it with people sticking their noses in? Yes, I'd love us to take it up a step but, don't want to force it.

Are the so called friends right? Should after 2 years, do you think we should be cohabiting?

I thought I was 100% cool with everything but, they've planted some doubts in my mind.

NC for this as others I know are on here. We're both in our late 40's

0dfod Tue 07-Jun-16 14:22:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtTheCrossroads Tue 07-Jun-16 14:32:13

Thanks for your words 0dfod

No idea, why all of a sudden people are sticking their noses in. Normally, I wouldn't give a tinkers toss what others think but, as they all came in quite proximity, I was starting to doubt myself.

I read on here, people getting engaged after say 6 months & I wouldn't dream of voicing my opinion unless asked. Some people are so rude

DeathStare Tue 07-Jun-16 16:17:11

You should be doing whatever makes you both happy. Personally, in your shoes, what would make me happy is telling them to fuck right off.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 07-Jun-16 16:48:05

I've been with my BF for 3+ years. See each other 4-5 nights a week. Have no plans to move in together as thatwould mean disrupting our respective DCs' schools and contact with their other parent which is very established and amicable.

We are as happy as larry. In fact, I think being together but living apart is the future

Some people are unable to see past their own narrow life experiences. Plus they wish you to conform to what they've done to validate their choices

TheNaze73 Tue 07-Jun-16 17:44:18

The only decision you need to make is whether to tell them to fuck off or piss off. As bitout said they want you to conform, to validate their choices.
There are some very narrow minded people out there

WannaBe Tue 07-Jun-16 17:49:43

If you're happy the way things are then it's nobody else's business. But this line struck me:

"Yes, I'd love to take it up a step, but don't want to force it."

Do you actually want more then OP but feel that you can't force the issue? Why not?

Don't let anyone plant doubts in your mind which weren't already there, there isn't a societal norm as to how relationships should be conducted, but if you feel that you're losing out somehow or that you do actually want more then ask yourself why you haven't felt able to approach this with your BF and where you want your future to go.

AtTheCrossroads Tue 07-Jun-16 17:56:25

Love your arrangement BitOutOfPractice. Sounds like a little bit, of bliss. Thanks WannaBe, you make some brilliant points. We have discussed the future and are both committed. We've talked about marriage and the future. Suppose I was just thinking he may have proposed by now but, I don't need that to validate what we have. It was the hags, chucking in their views as if they were facts, that got me stressing in my head

MidnightLullaby Tue 07-Jun-16 18:10:37

The hags? hmm

AtTheCrossroads Tue 07-Jun-16 18:16:48

Sorry for the confusion Midnight. By hags, I mean my so called friends IRL, who've put the doubts in my head

MidnightLullaby Tue 07-Jun-16 18:21:11

There was no confusion. I knew who you were referring to. I just don't think it's appropriate for women to use misogynistic language about other women.

Actually, I wonder whether part of your frustration is because you agree with them somewhat. You say you'd love to take it up a step and that you thought he'd have proposed by now.

It sounds like you're miffed they've made the same observations as you.

Minime85 Tue 07-Jun-16 18:22:40

If you are happy as you are together then that's fine. Are any rl friends in a similar position to you even to know what it's like to start again in essence?!

I don't think any need to be engaged or married unless it's what you both want. Nor living together. What works for one couple doesn't work another one.

gingerbreadmanm Tue 07-Jun-16 19:09:04

Does sound like you would like some form of commitment whether that be living together or being engaged. Maybe it just hasn't crossed his mind?

I've been with my dp 4+ years. Everyone knows i would love to get married including him. He hasn't asked though. Can't see a time when he will. It bothers me more than it should.

Dowser Tue 07-Jun-16 19:19:30

We met in our mid Fifties. Both had own houses . No kids. 25 miles apart. Saw each other every weekend and one night in the week .

It was lovely. Really lovely. We did that for 3.5 years then he was made redundant.
Don't get a job...58 was too old. No pension. So sold up and came to live with me.
That's been the arrangement for 4. 5 years.
Got married last year and early 60s now

I still have a sneaky longing for when he used to come and pick me up, how special it all seemed.

Wouldn't go back over. No, never . It's lovely now. You enjoy it while you can.Don't rush.

As long as you both can afford it yo have the perfect arrangement.

Me and DH have got a bit creaky now so we need to look out for one another.

We are together 24/7 and love each others company but those courting days were just fabulous.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-Jun-16 19:38:36

I would ignore anyone else's opinion because you have been happy and it's entirely your business. 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it'. I'm guessing your DCs are by now in their mid teens at least? You have talked with DP about future plans that's the only dialogue you need.

NoisyBarker Tue 07-Jun-16 21:36:51

Same as you...two years next month, slightly further along, but only slightly. Over the last month or so, since I've moved house slightly further away (which makes him going home less convenient) we've decided we want to work towards him moving in later in the year. This is the slowest paced relationship I've ever been in and it's because I have DC. In my previous life, we'd have been shacked up for a good year by now but with kids involved, as far as I'm concerned you can't do that and it'd be irresponsible. The people who are surprised at the slow pace of it all are the ones who were also young and responsibility free when they last started a new relationship.

I'm pretty sure we wouldn't even be contemplating moving in yet if we were a bit older (we're both 30) and he had kids himself but as it is, he does want children of his own so he's more conscious of progressing things.

our relationship is amazing, and I know it's because we didn't automatically move in after several months because neither of us had a reason to slow thjngs down. It kept it light, fun and non-pressured.

Ignore them all, what do they know! You're happy and that's brilliant.

Queenbean Tue 07-Jun-16 21:40:27

How is the word hag misogynistic?? hmm

OP, the next time someone asks you when you're getting engaged, smile sweetly and say "I'm not sure. How is your relationship going? When will you and your partner be getting divorced?"

It is so fucking rude that people think it acceptable to ask you about your relationship when you've been with someone a few years in such a nosy way.

ivykaty44 Tue 07-Jun-16 21:43:02

Just tell your busybody mates

If it ain't broke don't fix it.....

Isetan Wed 08-Jun-16 06:03:17

You're rattled because your friends are saying out loud, what you already secretly want. Don't stay silent and pretend everything is "tickets boo" if what you want isn't being sufficiently addressed.

Suppose I was just thinking he may have proposed by now but, I don't need that to validate what we have. It was the hags, chucking in their views.

It really is disingenuous to blame your friends for planting seeds of doubt when it's you, who can't vocalise your own expectations. What are you afraid of?

AtTheCrossroads Wed 08-Jun-16 07:20:08

Thank you all, for the responses, that have given me something to think about and yet at the same time, have bought some sanity to the proceedings.
I will definetly use some of the great retaliations suggested. They're awesome.
The people saying things, weren't my true friends anyway, more aquaintances & work colleagues, stuck in their own dull silos, stuck with the same people andis looking for something to talk about. I'm not going to fix, what isn't broken. I go out with my friends, every Friday night, am enjoying dating still & the sex is out of this world. Reflecting on my knee jerk question yesterday, slightly posted in annoyance from interfering busy bodies, I have some clarity now

Resilience16 Wed 08-Jun-16 07:21:43

Mmmn, when I read your first post I did think that maybe your friends comments rankled because they chimed a little with what you were really thinking too...
Having read your subsequent post that you were thinking "he might have proposed by now" then it would seem I was right....
If your relationship is going swimmingly then that is fabulous. Laugh off any perceived criticisms,and carry on regardless.
If there is a grain of truth in what your friends are saying then don't shoot the messengers tho.
In my experience it is best to have some clear plan with your partner about the direction the relationship is going, to save it drifting and to confirm you are both on the same page and want the same things.
I don't mean you have to say by this date we will have done this, and by this date we will be married or whatever but I do mean you have the conversation to confirm you are in agreement as to where the relationship is headed.Saves any confusion or disappointment further down the line..otherwise things have a tendency to just drift...
Good luck x

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