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Dating a man with a 6 year old daughter - should I be worried

(50 Posts)
Achica123 Tue 07-Jun-16 11:57:05

I went out on a date with this really nice man, who has a 6 year old daughter. He was upfront about that, so no games played there. A small part of me is feeling a bit hesitant about this. I never dated men with children before, so I am not sure whether this is going to be an issue at all. I am hoping not because I like him and I am planning to see him again.
What doo you think? Should I give this point much thought?

NoahVale Tue 07-Jun-16 11:58:11

how old is he?

Achica123 Tue 07-Jun-16 11:59:21

40

deepdarkwood Tue 07-Jun-16 12:00:15

Do you have children yourself?

Achica123 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:01:44

Nope and I have been single for almost a year and a half now.

NoahVale Tue 07-Jun-16 12:02:53

well, i must admit, you woudl sort of expect a man of 40 to have had a life already, qutie often including children.

gingerboy1912 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:05:43

How old are you? Do you want kids? does he want anymore?

Achica123 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:06:17

I know Noahvale and that's why I went ahead and met up with him. But a part of me is still wondering if the fact that he's had a life and a daughter would put me in a disadvantaged position right from the start.

Somerville Tue 07-Jun-16 12:06:54

Hard to say without knowing how old you are.

Morasssassafras Tue 07-Jun-16 12:07:53

Disadvantaged how?

dailyfailplagiarism Tue 07-Jun-16 12:08:00

For me the issue wouldn't be if he had children or not but how he treats those children.

Achica123 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:08:19

@gingerboy1912, I am 37 and I would like to have a child if I can. We didn't talk about whether he wants children or not - I figuered I wouldn't scare him off by this question on our first date ;)

WriteforFun1 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:10:20

Do you want children? I am childfree so never dated a man with kids, the last boyfriend was 48 and fecking gorgeous, so they do exist!

If I had dated men with kids, I'd want to only meet the child if it got serious, seems unfair on the child to form a bond with a casual girlfriend.

deepdarkwood Tue 07-Jun-16 12:10:38

I think that you should pause and think - but of course it can still work. Off the top of my head, what I think you need to think about is:
- are you happy to come second to this guy's dd - if there is any choice/tension, I would want a man who chose the needs of his dd over those of his partner
- you'll need to work around logistics and go slowly in terms of the relationship (e.g. not sleeping over when his dd is around; missing out if there is a date vs school play clash etc)
- are you happy for him to have an ongoing relationship with his ex as a co-parent? And that there will be things they have to decide on without you?
- how do you feel about kids/having a 6 yo as part of your family?!

Jollyphonics Tue 07-Jun-16 12:10:49

Do you want children? I think that is an important issue. If you do, and he doesn't want any more, then that'll be a big problem.

Other than that, the only issue you will have is that you need to accept that his daughter will (and should) always come first. However much he may get to love you, any decent parent will always prioritise the needs of their children. If you think you'll struggle with that, then I wouldn't pursue the relationship further.

What are your main concerns?

DianaMitford Tue 07-Jun-16 12:11:31

No it doesn't need to be an issue at all. You won't be disadvantaged as such, you may have to share weekend/evening time but equally lots of men have hobbies, etc. plus previous wives/girlfriends to deal with.
Men who have children also tend to be more mature and responsible than those who don't.
Don't let it stand in the way. Do you want children yourself?

gingerboy1912 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:13:55

Agree with Daily. I would see how he talks about and treats his daughter and ex. But yes a child should always come first and it depends if you can make allowances from time to time to accommodate the parents responsibilities

Achica123 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:17:01

Thank you all. I guess the points mentioned here are all valid and ones that I need to consider - I guess the biggest deal breaker for me would be that he wouldn't want to have any more children, because I want to explore the possibility of having one with my future partner.

heron98 Tue 07-Jun-16 12:36:43

I would never date anyone with kids because I couldn't be bothered to raise someone else's child, or have their ex still in the picture.

Flame me, but it's not for me when there are plenty of men without kids to choose from.

That said, I don't have children of my own. If I did, it might be different.

gingerboy1912 Tue 07-Jun-16 14:12:57

No flaming from me. At least you're honest about it. Nothing worse than the 'step' parent tolerating but resenting a child from a previous relationship. Causes no end of emotional turmoil.

branofthemist Tue 07-Jun-16 14:30:43

Heron I am the same.

I have never dated a man with children and never would.

I don't think I would make a good step parent and would find having To consider my dps ex into decisions, very hard.

It wouldn't be fair on anyone.

Somerville Tue 07-Jun-16 14:51:06

I could be wrong, but I suspect that, in your late 30's, you're more likely to meet someone who wants a child with you if you date men who already have children, than if you only date those who don't. Because a lot of people in their late 30's who are childfree are so either because they know they don't want children, or because they know they can't have children.

I have kids, my boyfriend doesn't. (We're late 30's too). I definitely don't want more, and definitely didn't want a relationship with someone who wants his own or didn't like the fact that I have them. So I brought all that up on the second date. BUT, we met through work so we already had something of a friendship established.

Achica123 Tue 07-Jun-16 15:04:52

Being a mum is something I want to experience and live - I feel that I can be a good mum smile . I don't mind taking care of his daughter if things progress between us, but I would like to have a child of my own if I can. I think this question will be high on my priority / deal breakers list so may be I would need to talk about it sooner than later.
Thank you all for your views and thoughts x

HotNatured Tue 07-Jun-16 17:41:35

I'm childfree, don't want my own, at all, but I actually like dating guys with kids as I quite like young children (but find babies v boring), I just don't want the responsibility of my own, they also seem to quite like me.

I've not dated anyone sans kids for a long while, I'm 41 so think its a little unrealistic to think I'm going to meet a guy without baggage (sorry horrible term but you know what I mean).

Oddsocksgalore Tue 07-Jun-16 18:31:24

Please don't use the term baggage.

What if you can't have children op, often you won't find out until you try.

You could have passed up on a wonderful man.

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