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Detached parents what happens to child?

(8 Posts)
NCforthisonecozuknow Mon 06-Jun-16 21:49:48

Is there anything I can read about this? Like not abusive stuff but more like little times of withholding comfort or affection and often tiny little things that all add up and what it could mean for the child as they grow.

I'm curious about the effect (if any) because I'm currently waiting for an aspergers assessment and wonder sometimes if the stuff that's put down as maybe being aspergers might actually be remnants of my childhood instead. So I'd really like to read into it but no clue where to start! I'm particularly wondering because as I watch my parents behaviour with my dcs, it sometimes seems almost like they get a kick out of toying with their emotions (which I'm taking steps to deal with now I've noticed). I wonder if it could have any effect on me if they did the same to me.

MidnightLullaby Mon 06-Jun-16 22:18:42

I'm in a similar position. Emotionally distant/abusive upbringing and I'm currently awaiting an assessment for ASC.

There was a school of thought in the 50s/60s that 'Refrigerator Mothers' caused autism with their lack of emotional warmth. But that was unilaterally rejected. ASC is so much more than that. As well as it being an neurological condition. It can't be caused by distant parenting.

I think that some traits of ASC can mimic the impact of rubbish parenting, but it is not the same.

It's hard to get referred as an adult. You wouldn't have been referred if your GP thought you were the product of crap parenting. There would need to have been more than that.

Have you read Aspergirls or any of the Alis Rowe stuff? I read Aspergirls and cried and laughed my way through it. It was really bizarre as I felt I was reading a book that someone who didn't even know I existed had written all about me.

The Aspergirls book is particularly good because each chapter also has a section on advice to girls/women and to their parents. It's obviously a bit late for the likes of you and me but what I realised was that my parents inadequate parenting had failed to respond to the needs of an autistic daughter, which did have a huge impact upon me and make my life far more difficult, and still does. But they did not create an autistic daughter.

MidnightLullaby Mon 06-Jun-16 22:19:18

*universally rejected. sorry.

FannyFanakapan Mon 06-Jun-16 22:21:55

attachment issues often present as ASD. if you look up the Coventry grid, its shows how the two are similar, but distinctly different.

NCforthisonecozuknow Mon 06-Jun-16 22:55:40

Thank you so much for the replies. Honestly they've helped so much. I've just read that grid and everything in the ASD column is me all over and the attachment column is nothing like me. I've had a little cry tbh because it was like reading a checklist of me as a child.

And that's a really interesting thought that your parents failed to respond to an autistic child, midnight, rather than them making you that way. I could totally apply that to me too because since my GP suggested it, both my parents have said they did wonder if I was different when I was younger (and apparently I did briefly see a SEN person at school or whatever they would be called now). So maybe it's okay to feel let down by them and accept that I might be assessed as having ASD. That's really helped.

And I have read Aspergirls, a while ago! I found it half upsetting and half amazing when I read it because it was literally like I'd picked up a book and hadn't realised it was written by me or something grin it was shocking and relieving at the same time. I think maybe I've been in a bit of denial recently now that I'm really thinking back to that book and reading that grid that you suggested Fanny. I'm so glad I posted this thread now.

MidnightLullaby Mon 06-Jun-16 23:36:47

I grew up with accusations of, "there's something wrong with you" and "we'll take you to see someone" and "then men in white coats will take you away".

It was obvious from an early age, apparently, that I wasn't 'quite right'.

I wonder how different things would have been if they'd followed through with some of their 'threats'.

Good luck with everything.

MySqueeHasBeenSeverelyHarshed Tue 07-Jun-16 20:58:58

I'd never heard of the Coventry grid before, I am thrilled to have found it (as well as furious). I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was having trouble coping at college, I always felt like it wasn't the right fit for me. I was in a support group for adults with Asperger's and I had absolutely nothing in common with any of them, and the attachment disorder makes so much more sense.

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother, I remember being so scared of her as a toddler that I ran away from her, tripped and slammed my head off the radiator, and to this day I dread having to talk to her. It's impacted on my relationship with the rest of my family, they mostly ignore me or condescend to me and I'm painfully shy around them, but if you were to ask any of my friends they'd tell you I'm the least awkward or self-concious person you could meet.

And I'm particularly angry because one of the reactions to my diagnosis was to insist I attend the support group as the only vulnerable young girl in a room full of men who had trouble with boundaries and appropriate behavior. I got into a relationship with one of them (ten years my senior) because I was in such a bad place mentally I felt I couldn't say no, and to this day, almost a decade since I broke up with him, he's been internet stalking me and using his friends that are in my hobby groups to keep tabs on me. I developed a fear of men that I still haven't quite gotten over.

Sorry to hijack the thread, I just needed to vent a bit.

summerainbow Tue 07-Jun-16 21:06:33

Remember as well ASD maybe hereditary so your parents could have ASD as well.

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